I’ve been a bit nervous of posting on here but it seems such a lovely, supportive space so here goes. I had a good relationship with my Mum, I wouldn’t say that we were extremely close as, for various reasons, I always found it hard to confide in her. I had a close relationship with my dad but after he died several years ago I got closer to my mum, supported her and spent time with her and my son (Sunday lunches, holidays). My mum had complications following surgery about 8 years ago. By this time my sister had broken up with her partner and had moved in with my mum and effectively became like a carer to her. As my mum’s health and mobility declined over the following years (with several stays in hospital following falls etc) we ended up getting professional carers in for her as we both work. Now my mum has passed I do regret not visiting her more during those years (I usually visited weekly), although I always made time to visit her regularly in hospital. I have a very busy life with work (I am a single parent) and my son etc and just let life get in the way. I was always there for things like hospital appointments though or anything she needed me to get for her. During my mum’s last hospitalisation in November we were told that she was suffering from heart failure and that they were trying to balance her medications to control it. We were warned that her heart could stop but I suppose we never really thought it would happen, at least so soon. I had a strange dream that she had died and rushed to the hospital on the Friday to tell her that I loved her. When I got there she was sitting up in the chair, chatting away to the lady in the next bed who she had befriended and, to be honest, looking quite well. I felt that I couldn’t say anything in front of her and would save it for another time. We were also told that she was going to be discharged from hospital early the following week as she was medically fit for them to do so. I do volunteer work and was rostered on that weekend so I didn’t visit my mum that weekend, intending to see her on the Monday if she was still in hospital. Up to the previous Friday I had been visiting 2 or 3 times a week. I ended up having a manic day at work on the Monday and didn’t manage to get to the hospital (about 20 minutes away) as it was already about 6pm by the time I finished. My sister had visited her that day though and told me that she was sitting up in her chair having a drink, again seeming quite well. I was told the next day that she was being discharged. As my sister was home she was there when my mum arrived home but had to go to work later. I had debated whether to go and see my mum at home that day but I was working, the weather was stormy outside and the carers were due to call so I decided to leave it until the next day when I planned to take a couple of hours off work and also call back that evening, My mum had also seen some other relatives at the hospital that day so I thought it would be OK to wait until the next day before visiting her. On the Wednesday I was about to leave home to go and visit her when my sister rang saying that my mum was having a funny turn, shaking etc. I raced up to her house (a few miles away) but when I got there she was fine, had no recollection of it and I asked if she had had enough to eat. We were chatting away as normal and commenting on what was on the news. She did look tired though and kept nodding off. I suggested that she get some sleep and so my sister and I made her comfy in her recliner chair (legs up, blanket, extra pillow etc). I stayed over an hour but decided to go home and come back to let her have a decent sleep. I came home and had a call to make so did that. Within an hour of me coming home my sister phoned in a panic so I raced back and my mum was unresponsive. We could not wake her and she passed away from heart failure. I did speak to her (I really hope she heard me) to tell her I loved her. She had sent my sister out of the room to make her some lunch and had passed while she was cooking it. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt that I did not visit her that weekend or the day before she died and, once again, let life get in the way. I am really struggling and am finding it hard to function and even get out of bed some days. We have somehow managed to arrange the funeral and I have dealt with essential paperwork only for now. I should have told her I loved her when I had the chance but you always think that you have more time don’t you? I had planned to spend more time with her when she got out of hospital and hopefully have one last Christmas with her but it wasn’t to be. Has anyone had a similar experience to this and how do you cope? Thank you.
sincere sympathy. mine is gone too. sometimes people pass while no one is there. death is THE most tumultuous time. it cannot be otherwise so do not expect so much from yourself during it. you would be denying your humanity. and moreover, no parent wants a child to berate themselves …. guilt is normal in death.
p.s. sometimes they pass while no one is there on purpose.
Thank you for your kind words and help. I’m trying to focus on the good memories. Xx
So sorry for the loss of your mum too. Xxx
Hi Sharon
I lost my mum on 17th December, one minute the hospital were planning to send her home, then they were keeping her in! She died early the next morning. I was asleep on the floor on a mattress next to her hospital bed. I was holding her hand but it must have dropped when I fell asleep. I so wanted to be by her side holding her hand when she passed. I was her full time carer and she’d been living with me since July. I’m trying to sort all the things out, letting authorities know, sorting the funeral, eulogy’s, photos the list goes on. It’s only been 3 weeks but I feel I’m coping less, missing the physicality of her in my house, and as someone said earlier, choosing what to watch on tv- I can barely watch tv now. I don’t feel I can talk to anyone about how I feel- my brothers and daughter, because I don’t want to reignite their grief if they are coping ok the moment, and I don’t want to burden my friends who may have had enough already and think I should be feeling better already. I can’t think about work at the moment (the company I worked for have been amazing) my head is struggling to work at all. I beg my mum for signs and have had a few but still feel I need her “ok’s” on what I’m doing and if I’m doing it right!?
I’m struggling to know how to move forward 
You have nothing to feel.guilty for . My mum. Died recently and I worked at place where COVID etc…..was around so many a time I didn’t visit for long or kept away to protect her … do I wish I had seen her more ? Yes but we all think that .do mum’s love we have a life and taking care of us and our children….yes …..do they love us ….yes ….. seems to me you did what you could do and your thoughts to why you didn’t see her are just you feeling sad and wishes we all think. I know my mum wanted us to live our lives too ….when my mum was in a hospice she told me to take a day off ….so no don’t feel bad your a good daughter and she was proud of you .
Hi San,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this too. You are doing a great job by the sound of it, trying to keep everything together. I have also had to sort out my Mum’s funeral (with some input from my sister) plus doing all the official stuff with the authorities etc. It’s so hard. I will say to you though that you must reach out to friends and family. There is absolutely no way that you could possibly feel ‘better already’ and I very much doubt that anyone with any sort of humanity would think that for one second. It has helped me greatly talking things over with friends and family so that I can make sense of my feelings - please, please do it. You are suffering too and I doubt that your family will be ‘coping ok at the moment’ as you are all in the same boat. There is no right way to do any of this and I’m sure that your mum would be proud of you for what you are doing. Just take it one day (or even one hour) at a time. Love to you.
Sharon xxx
Hi,
Thank you so much for your kind words, you have really helped me to see the bigger picture. I am working on myself and am trying to be a bit kinder to myself. It’s so hard. As you say I miss my mum and wish I’d seen her more. I just thought I’d have more time and we’d at least have Christmas with her but it wasn’t to be. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum too. It sounds like she would be proud of you xx