Good morning all, I’m new to the Sue Ryder forum. I have just lost my beautiful Mum in the 13th December. She was 65, I am only in my 30’s. It’s been a very hard and traumatic journey. I honestly don’t feel I have started to properly grieve yet though, I’ve gone straight from caring for her each day, to her passing, to very quick funeral arrangements before Xmas day, then straight into Xmas… I have a young daughter at home (and a brilliant husband), so I kind of feel I haven’t had the option, or time to actually grieve yet. As much as I just want yo lie in bed and sob, I can’t. I have my little girl. I am lying awake at night regularly though, just thinking about her and the trauma we’ve all been through. I can’t quite believe it at the moment. I think I’m numb! Hoping everyone is going as well as can be this Christmas. Laura xx
Hello @Lauraj2 - I am so sorry your mum has died - that is really, really hard. You have been through a nightmare, with such a rapid change, her death and rapid arrangements for her funeral. That is a lot. A heck of a lot. You need time now to process things slowly and to feel how you feel. To let the grief out - don’t bottle it up. Maybe talk to your husband about taking your daughter out for a few hours each day or something, so you can have your time to release how you feel in private. Heading out for a walk can help. I am lucky in that I am in a ski resort and no-one can see you cry on a chairlift… Take the time that you need. Talk to your husband about how you are doing and check in with him, too and your daughter. If everyone in the house is pretending they are ok, then one person putting their hand up to say they are struggling could just be the permission everyone needs to cry openly. I am not an expert, but a friend on here who knows what grief is like. Hold tight, take that next step, have a coffee and a biscuit! x
@Lauraj2 i am in the exact position a day before and my mum was the same age. I also have a little girl and cannot grieve properly need some space from the every day life its so so so hard. I do cry alot and every day but need time to myself.
Thinking of you
and cannot believe how similar we are in this awful position we are the same age too.
I cannot stop thinking and going over things in my head it hurts so so so much
@Vancouver thank you for your reply and kind words. I’m going to have some time to myself this week with my little one being back in school, I need this time but I’m also worried about it, worried about letting myself grieve and feel all that pain again. I’m hoping time will help and I’m hoping the same for my Dad, and my grandparents. I have incredible 87 year old grandparents who have lost their daughter. There is just so much pain across the family, but together we are strong. Thank you for reaching out. I’ll have that brew and biscuit Xxxxx
Hi @Marie17 gosh it is really strange how similar our situations are. I’m sorry you’re also going through this. Not sure if there is a way to private message on here but please feel free to message me. Maybe we can support each other or at least listen when it feels hard. Xx
Be nice to have each other i have woken up this morning and straight away my chest hurts again to be honest its constant and gets even worse when i cry my heart is broken . Will have a look at private messaging. I also know what you mean about it was straight into christmas and straight into funeral arrangements its all too much and overwhelming
Thinking of you this morning xxx
We have recently lost our mum on November 11. She had been diagnosed with an aggressive form of leukaemia she had been poorly since last April but not properly diagnosed until September of this year.My dad is nearly 90 and they we’re together 68 years married for 65 and he’s not coping at all we can see him getting frailer every day and he misses my mum desperately we don’t think he will ever get over it. I’m finding it very very hard I miss her desperately and I’m so worried about my dad too .I have two younger sisters and we are very very close this has been the most difficult time in our life’s .
@Wendymum Thinking of all of you this grief is so hard i understand how you all feel
What i like about this forum is that we can send caring thoughts to each other knowing someone else out there is there for us xxxx
Your not alone. I lost my beautiful mam too on the 12th of December. I was her full time carer and did everything for her. She passed so suddenly. I have a 10 year old boy and an 8 year old girl who were incredibly close to their grandma. I feel exactly the same way as you. Each day is so unpredictable. Ups and downs and deep grief. Im here if you want to talk about it. I truly understand. Stay strong. One day at a time xx
Hi @Donski1981 im so sorry that you are another one responding to say you’ve also lost your Mum, and at the same time at Christmas. I hope your little ones are doing as ok as can be.
Today is back to school for my little girl and work for my husband, I’m dreading it in a way, as I know I’ll be home alone and this will probably be the time I start to grieve properly. I’m signed off for another 2 weeks yet. I still just can’t believe it. She didn’t deserve to go through what she went through, as none of our lovely mums did.
Sending you love and strength, inbox me anytime xxxx
I too lost my lovely mum suddenly in October. She was living with us for most of the past 2 years. I also have a 10 year old who was very close to his granny. It was so difficult as it was so sudden. These past months have been a haze, I am so sad that I didn’t get to tell mum how much I loved her. Sudden death is so traumatic. Sending love and strength.
Hi Kate, I’m sorry to read you’re also suffering this terrible loss… I’m hoping that you’re doing as well as can be. How are you getting on? Xxx
Hi Laura, thanks for checking in… it’s so hard. Some days I am so tearful and keep replaying back the last days and all the would’ve, could’ve, should’ves… even though logically I didn’t know she was going to die suddenly.
I live abroad and mum was staying with us when she passed away so I couldn’t even have a funeral as we know it in Uk. All our relatives are in England so nobody could be here for me., just my little boy, my partner and his family. Mum was cremated here and her ashes are back home with me.
It still seems so unreal at times, one minute she was with us all, the next morning she was gone.
How are you doing? Have you gone back to work? I find that working does help me to keep busy and my mind on something else. I prefer to go into the office though, because working from home is still difficult, as mum was always here with me while I worked.
Sending love and strength to get through these terrible early days.
I’m sorry for your loss, Laura and all of the other people on here. I lost my lovely Mom on 20th December😢. Mom was 90 and I’m 55 - and although I should be grateful that I had so long with her, it doesn’t feel like much of a consolation at the moment. I’d been caring for Mom since the first day of the original lockdown. She’d had two falls, both resulting in hip fractures, within short succession and was discharged early from hospital, as they were trying to get everyone out because of Covid. Up until her falls, Mom had been completely ‘on the ball’ and both mentally and physically doing well for her age. Since then, she gradually declined and become frailer and very confused/scared- it was heartbreaking to see. We had her funeral on Wednesday and it was a lovely service but it’s hard imagining life without her. I’m trying to keep myself busy, seeing friends, going walking etc but it’s hard. It felt like Mom was going to be around for ever and I’m now left wondering what the purpose of it all is. I’m an only one, have lots of really good friends but not many family - Mom was the youngest of 8 siblings and was the last surviving one. I love and miss her so much.
Hi Kate, sorry for the late reply- still getting used to this website and just noticed I’d missed your message. It’s 3.30 and I’m lay wide awake… again!
I’m so sorry to read what a hard time you’ve had and are having. I can’t imagine how hard it feels dealing with everything especially when there is physical distance between you and your family. I have family in Spain, so I kind of get some of the difficulties you’ll be facing with the situation. Have you lots of contact with them over phone / FaceTime etc? I know that’s not quite the same still…
Immediate loss and anticipated loss are quite different arent they, both horrific in different ways, and I guess difficult to deal with in different ways too. Suddenly losing a loved one is, I imagine, utterly shocking and difficult to comprehend. I’m having counselling at the moment for what’s happened to Mum, not sure if it is this something that you feel you’d benefit from, but it seems to be helping a me a little. I do hope you’re doing ok. I’m still just so up and down. Anyway, will try and get some much needed sleep now… inbox me anytime! Xx
Sorry for the loss of your Mum Laura
It’s been a month since I lost my mum who was my rock on the 23rd December
Finding difficult to cope without her, I have my dad who now needs looking after and I have support from my husband and children friends too
My heartfelt condolences to you and ur family🙏🏼
Hi Laura. I’ve started therapy which is helping, but of course we all have to process our grief ultimately on our own. I’m not that close to the family I have in UK, mum and my own close family here was all I needed.
I do a lot of crying and speaking to mum when I’m driving. I feel I can just speak to her out loud about all my regrets when I’m alone. Also when I go out walking in the park.
It’s true, both sudden and anticipated grief are terribile in their own ways. Hope your counselling continues to help. Maybe a herbal supplement may help you sleep? I’m currently using melatonin which is helping. Sending hugs.xx