Lost my mum to covid

A month ago I lost my mum to covid. She was young 70 and full of life. She has never been ill. In fact my dad is the one who was always ill and she would care for him. Both my parents got covid and my mum kept looking after dad till the very last moment till she got taken to ICU. They were in denial for a long time that they had covid and told us only a week later …None of us not even she believed it was anything serious and before knew it she was gone in 5 days. I had not seen her for almost 18 months as she does not live In UK. I finally saw her only when she was no more and I had to collect her body. I have this constant hollowness in my stomach and heaviness in my chest. I wake up at 3 am and can’t sleep and the hollowness and heaviness in unbearable. But more than all of this I have an overwhelming sense of guilt that I could not look after her or be with her , frustration that this was a totally avoidable and unwanted way to go ( they had been shielding due to my dad for 1.5 years and they got it from an irresponsible selfish person who passed it on to them who needed help and lied to my parents that he had covid so he could get help …my mother was looking after the neighbour who fell unwell) angry at any and everybody I see who has a mother still alive and seeing people getting on with their lives. I feel horrible that anger guilt and frustration are my predominant feelings but I just can’t get over it. She was too young and full of life. We had holiday plans together this summer. She was amazing. My dad was vulnerable not her she was the emotional backbone of the family. Dad is not he needs to be cared for …the only person who cared for me and loved me unconditionally is gone so quickly and so soon with no warning. She has never been ill in her life so never thought she would go always thought she is there forever. Even when they both got covid we were more concerned about dad not her.
I feel so angry and frustrated and guilty I am finding it hard to get on with life. I used to speak to her atleast 3 times a day she knew what has happening in every hour of my and my kids lives. She was the reason I did everything so I could tell her and her approval and excitement made a everything worth doing. I don’t feel like doing anything anymore.

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Hi lost5,

I’m sorry you lost your mum so suddenly and still so young. I completely understand your post and could have written most of it myself.
Almost 2 years ago I lost my happy, vibrant and strong mum to a sudden brain haemorrhage at 74
I spent my whole life believing she would live into her 90s like my nan had.
My mum was so strong. She looked after my daughter from birth with me and was there for me my whole life. Even now I still cant believe she isnt here and I cry several times a week.
You are still in such early days still but for me, I have just had to build a different life without mum in it
I didnt want to do anything without mum for the first year but for the sake of my daughter and partner I am trying to make the effort so their lives arent miserable.

For you its particularly hard that your mum caught Covid and you must feel very angry. I know I do even though my mums body let her down and it was no ones fault as such.

Lots of people are on this site to help and there will soon be others who have lost their mum more recently than I have who can support you.

Try and take each day as it comes.

Cheryl

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Dear Cheryl,

Thank you for your message. I am so sorry for your loss. I totally understand your feelings too. My mum was there every step of the way in my life and was such a handson grandma. She always spent her life thinking and caring for others. She was looking after us when we were young, then she was a carer for my grandad till he passed away 4 years back and then carer for my dad who had a stroke 4 years back. I just feel she was always looking after someone and we did not get a chance to look after her. The thought kills me that maybe we betrayed her. I can’t stop thinking about her and all the time keep going over if this had happened then she might have been alive , If this happened …I just keep playing scenarios in my head and am going crazy.
Like you I just believed she will be with us till in her 90s like both sides of granparents. I can’t comprehend life without her. Doing anything normal makes me feel guilty.
I wonder how I will get on with this constant heaviness in the heart.

Hi,

I’m afraid it wont be easy. 2 years on and she is on my mind all the time.

I’m just watching 999 on the frontline and I’m wondering why my mum never asked for help, never told us she was in pain or had symptoms ( she had a mini stroke 11 days before her haemorrhage but didnt tell any of us. We had to drag her to hospital by force when it was too late because she could no longer hide her symptoms
Its very hard x

Oh dear Cheryl , that must be so hard. I still don’t understand why parents hide their symptoms is it protect us kids. My parents did not tell us they were unwell till after a week by which time it was too late. If they had told us at the start they could have had earlier medication and intervention and my mum would still be alive. I feel so guilty for not being there around them to know they were I well and angry at them for not telling and frustrated that things could have been different if we knew early on … oh it hurts !!!

It does but I can promise you that the guilt will fade over time. I’m not at the stage yet where I can smile at the memories as I still feel so much anger and bitterness, but the guilt isnt there. It’s just replaced by sadness. Just remember you are still in the early stages x

Thanks for your reply. I find reading your message comforting. I just want the guilt to go away and the constant mind chatter …it was so not her time

I agree. Its very unfair when there are people that are many years older that dont want to ge here (,my 90 year old aunt for example that dents emjoy life or want to be part of it anymore)

Yet our mums who were early 70s with so many more years ahead of them gone.

I’m pleased to have been some help. Although I read the site every day I rarely post because I still find life hasnt moved on and it will be 2 years next Monday.
I dont like to disappoint newly bereaved people who I guess are looking for people to be further on in their grief

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