Lost my mum today

Hi my 86 elderly and poorly mum passed away this morning after a slow decline but a very quick end. She got somehow stuck by across her bed and I think the exertion was too much for her heart and she passed . I don’t live locally so saw she was in a predicament on a camera. I rang the district nurses and 999 and they went and then confirmed her death. I cared for her for the past 10 years and much more in the last 2 since my dad died 10 years ago. Feel horrified yesterday she died in such a strange position and that I wasn’t there. She had mixed dementia and myeloma amongst other things and am angry with her for leaving me .


Thanks I need to speak to someone who is so raw like me. I know it’s literally been 12 hours since I found out she’d passed away but I scared if going to bed, scared of missing her, have fallen out with brother, and desperately want to have stopped her death looking like it was traumatic for her. Was she aware? Was she scared was she in pain, wax it quick?

Dear Ruth110,

That must have been so distressing for you to see what had happened to your mum on the camera. You did the only things you could do and that was to alert the nurses and phone 999. I am really sorry for you that she has passed away. Hopefully it happened so quickly that she was not even aware of it. You should not feel guilty that you were not there. Even if you had been there you may not have been able to prevent what happened. Even is hospitals and care homes, people sometimes have a fall. My mum, like yours, was 86 when she died 3 years due to complications after she had a fall at home. Your mum was blessed to have you looking after her for 10 years. I am sure she would not blame you for not being wit her this morning. I hope that you have some people you can call on for support, especially in the coming days and weeks when you will start to grieve the loss of your mum and will probably have to deal with all sort of practical issues as well. Be kind to yourself and try not to think to far ahead. Just take one day at a time.
It is good that you have come to this site. There are many people on here who will understand what yo are going through. In the category ‘losing a parent’ you can read their stories and how they are trying to cope with it. We are here to support each other, so please feel free to post (or reply to other peoples posts) as often as youwant. xx Jo