Sorry to hear about your mum…how traumatic that you lost her on holiday, when you should of been having the best family time. I can’t imagine how shocked you are or that you have even started to come to terms with it. Do you have lots of support from your family/wife etc?
Same as many other stories on here…my mum died very suddenly…I got a phone call at work to say she has gone to hospital with suspected chest infection - they told me that she had said not to worry and she will be home the same evening. I didn’t worry, I stayed at work because I believed her and she would be home.
By the time I had got to the hospital that evening, she had been taken to intensive care and put in a induced coma, she never came home. Every day for 2 weeks I sat with her, until they told me all her organs had failed and she wouldn’t ever wake up now. Even though it’s not “sudden” as in she died the same day - it’s sudden as unexpected as I saw her the day before, she was fine. She was due to go work the next day, we had holidays booked and so many plans. She didn’t show any signs of being poorly and was fit and healthy. Even though I “spent” 2 weeks in hospital with her, it wasn’t her…she wasn’t awake she was pumped up to machines and every day a different organ failed with no explanation. On her “last” day she woke up, without sounding horrible - she looked horrible, her face her eyes and her skin. She looked straight threw me and told me she loved me and “they” were coming now and that she didn’t want to die…the nurse told me this was the drugs talking but I really believe, she knew. A few hours later I watched as her heart rate dropped and then stopped, the resuscitated her in front of me but then told me she was gone and it’s the only machines keeping her alive, like some sort of cruel joke.
Like you have said, it often haunts me - her face her words etc and I too feel guilty, there were times at the hospital I would feel so bored just sitting at her bed or I’d be hungry or tired and now I wish If I knew she wasn’t Coming I didn’t think those things but it’s been a little longer for me now, almost 8 months since she died and I don’t feel “as” guilty, she was only 54 and I have just turned 30 so both so young and I guess, as horrible as it sounds - when it’s your time to go, it really is your time.
Hopefully in time, the thoughts of guilt lessen for you and you are able to to think of the happy times you spent together. I wish I could tell you all the cliches of times a healer etc but I’d probably be lying because all I’ve learnt is that in time you just get better at pretending to be fine however…as you can see from the replies on here there are lots of people although with different circumstances, all feeling and suffering the same and in a weird way it’s nice to see we are not alone. We are almost a group of people now, a group we didn’t know existed until we suffered a trauma. So do keep coming on here to express how you feel and don’t be afraid to ask for help. How is your daughter coping with it all??
Xxxxx
54 was so young for your mum. Do you know why it happened?
I get heartbroken about my mum succumbing to a brain hemorrhage but she was 74 and lots of her body was in bad shape internally. You would like to think you would be alot healthier at 54. It’s very scary. My dad died at 53 but his body had been badly affected by chemo and radio therapy from the years he battled cancer. When the heart attack happened he wasnt strong enough to fight it x
That’s the funny thing (obviously not funny but you know what I mean) they said that she was so healthy and fit - didn’t drink, smoke Etc and never got ill that when she caught a chest infection her body just went into over drive - it fought so hard to fight the infection…her heart beat faster, her kidneys pumped blood faster that her brain didn’t know what was going on or how to cope with the “over drive” so it sent a signal to her organs to shut down…first her kidneys stopped working and they put her on a machine to pump the blood, then her lungs stopped and finally her heart…just stopped.
Even the doctors were baffled by it and even though their explanation doesn’t make sense, I know they tried so hard to save her. The annoying thing is we are always being told to have a healthy lifestyle but now I have no faith in anything anymore lol healthy or not…what difference does it make really?
I read a lot of posts that you comment on, although I don’t always comment im more of a lurker…but I can see and feel how much you miss your mum - no matter what age we lose our mums, the pain is still the same hey xxxx how are you doing now??
Such a shame. One of my colleagues was telling me that his mum collapsed and died aged 62 from a brain hemorrhage. She cycled everywhere, didnt smoke, didn’t drink etc.
It does make you wonder whether there is any point going all out to be healthy. My mum wouldn’t give up a glass of wine even if it meant living longer. Not that she knew she was ill but she made that comment a couple of weeks before she died.
I’m just the same really, still cry every day and still cant believe she has gone. How about you? X
Hi Alicia,
I’m also sorry for your loss and thank you for responding. Your story is just another reminder of how fragile life is and how quickly things can change. We cannot be with our loved ones very minute of the day and night to monitor them and make sure they are ok. I tried my best to make sure she was always ok but I’m not perfect that’s for sure. It was always a concern for me even though she was only 100m away from our house that anything could happen and I wouldn’t know. I was very lucky to have a mum like mine. She would do absolutely anything for me and would take any opportunity to be with me, even it was just to pick our daughter from school. However long our loved ones are with us, it’s just never enough time and it could/should always be longer. I miss all the little things like sending her a WhatsApp message just to say good morning and how rubbish the weather is today. I basically just miss her and she cannot be replaced.
Hi Daffy123, I’ve asked the why question many times over and come to the conclusion that’s just the way it was and no matter what I think or do now, doesn’t change the outcome. I just have to accept it all. That will take time though as I haven’t got anywhere near the acceptance stage yet. There is of course an element of luck to life and I don’t like to play the blame game - unless of course there is medical negligence. If we got to rerun events then maybe we could have changed the outcome, I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. I think my mum ran out of luck too and I’m so sorry for that.
It’s taking a while to go through her house. We are trying as much as possible to spread things among the family, followed by close friends, followed by giving away/selling/donations. I don’t want to throw anything away if I can help it. The hardest items I’ve found to dispose of are the bathroom things like toothbrush, soap, mouthwash, creams etc. The unused items in the fridge that have expired. The little things. All worthless but extremely emotional. And then there are the clothes…It took about 3 weeks before I could even enter the house and of course it looked like she’d just gone out shopping and would be back any minute. It felt so wrong to be going through her things. I know it has to be done but I hate doing it.
My tribute was 1800 words and took 10 minutes to read. My daughter insisted on writing her own piece and then reading it all by herself in front of everyone. She is only 6 and a superstar! I did my piece straight after and it went well, even though I didn’t know if I could go through with it until literally seconds before opening my mouth. I wish you well in the coming weeks, we both know how tough it is.
Hi Tasha,
Thank you so much for you well thought out but very sad story. So sorry to hear about your mum also.
Yes holidays are supposed to be fun times and of course it was right up until the last day. From her point of view that’s the way to go. Should have be many more holidays first though! I have had good support from my wife. In the days after the event, I couldn’t make even basic decisions. Do I want tea or coffee? How should I know, decide for me. I haven’t a clue how I got through those days after but I kept breathing I guess. You wouldn’t believe the nightmare it was getting home as we were on a small island. The ferry back to Cornwall from Scilly had broken down the day before and remained so for several days. Eventually we managed to get a flight instead and queue jumped about 800 people all stranded because of this sodding ferry! I won’t bore you with the details.
My daughter has been a ray of sunshine. 6 is old enough to know what’s happened but young enough to just get on with it. I want some of that!
54 is way too young but you don’t need me to tell you that. I’m 46 so that’s 8 years from now. I try not to dwell on the future but I do want to be able to retire healthily. We shall see.
In some ways, time causes pain. I find myself marking the passage of time. It’s putting distance between now and happy times when I could call or see mum any time I wanted. Now I am 9 weeks away from happiness and it’s getting longer. Time itself I don’t think heals, it’s what we do with that time that matters. Spending time here is helping me for sure meeting people like yourself and sharing the pain.
I’m glad your guilt is lessening, you don’t need it in your life and neither do I.
Shaun x
You too daffy xxx I can imagine you carry a tremendous amount of guilt that you wasn’t with your mum and as you say she was left alone, but I hope you know deep down there was nothing you could of done. I think you are in the “in between” stage at the moment as you are just waiting for the funeral…I bet it will be a small weight lifted once the funeral has been and gone although it won’t lessen your pain xxxx
I guess…In a weird way you had one last holiday together but such a shame you will always have that horrible memory from it.
Kids are a great distraction huh…my little boy is 10 and often called my mum his “best mate” when I told him what happened he just said ok and hasn’t spoken about it since. I know he misses her and sometimes I catch him looking at her photo but kids do grieve differently to us and don’t realise how lucky and carefree they are…bless them
Is counselling something you would consider to help with your anger and guilt? It’s not for me…so I can understand if you feel the same but I have read many positive posts on here from people that have had counselling and benefitted from it
You are right. It was one last great holiday together and one I’ll ever forget. I have lots of photos but now I wish I’d taken more featuring mum rather than the scenery! We do fully intend to return same time next year to the same place. It will be tough I am in no doubt but so obviously the right thing to do. Just the next time, one bed will be empty. I’m trying not to think about it too much at the moment.
Kids are great how they handle stuff. 10 is a good age, I’ve no doubt he’ll have some good memories to hold onto into his adult life. I’m going to keep the memories alive for our little girl. I’ve got to be a good dad for her.
I had considered counselling and haven’t ruled it out. I don’t suffer much anger to be honest, I don’t really get that angry about stuff, no point. That’s not to say I haven’t had some anger in the last few weeks. Guilt however is a whole different thing, I can’t quite shake it off. The funny thing is, sometimes I feel quite normal and I think I’m doing ok and don’t need any help. But I’m being followed around by a baseball bat which is ready to remind me at no notice about my current situation. At times like that I feel I need something badly and I’m a complete mess. This is one hell of a roller coaster ride and I want to get off now. I don’t really know what I need. I’m sure you know what I mean.
Big life changing events like this do make us re-evaluate our own lives. I’ve never felt more mortal than I do now. I’m already thinking about retirement! I just hope that I can both reach that with my family intact and reach it in a healthy way to enjoy it. Just don’t know though. I talk about health and I’m sat here eating chocolate as I write! Work is less important now and that’s not because I feel lazy but because in the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t matter and there are so many other things to be doing. I’ve always thought that family and health comes first. I work to live rather than live to work.
The perfect place for mum to be scattered is on St Martin’s, Scilly. She loved the place and so do I. It’s beautiful and I will always go back.
Living without them yes, very hard. I have her mobile phone that I used to message her on, don’t get me started on the messages that still remain in her chat history! Mum used to come round every Saturday evening for fish and chips and to settle down to watch some TV with us and bath our daughter. I’d ring her when I was working away from home stuck in a boring hotel. I did ring my wife as well btw! The list goes one. You are so right about the many little things and I have to catch myself each time for a split second I think I should tell mum, or show mum this or that. I can’t.
My mum was due to come on holiday with us but she never made it. Not a minute goes by where I dont wish I had had that holiday with her. I hadn’t seen her for a while. The longest I hadn’t ever seen her. I live in Cornwall and moved last year. That crucifies me now. We moved for a better life for our kids. My daughter was getting badly bullied. So we moved from Hertfordshire to Cornwall. Mum and dad talked about coming too. I know they would have done eventually. But due to my work commitments and everyone visiting us in our first summer by the beach I didn’t get back to see them for two whole months. But i told them I would be back mid August. They were coming here for their holiday in September. I would go back again in October then they were coming for
Xmas. We had lots of plans. This period of not seeing them was a one off so I thought. I got to be with her in the hospital for a week for which I thank god for every day. As I washed her, brushed her hair. Fed her. Told her I loved her. Watched her slip away. I spoke to moms consultant last night as I still can’t fathom things out. Her death certificate says lung cancer metastasised unknown primary source. But he can’t shed any light on it. She had been far too ill for further testing. They couldn’t get her in the CT scanner. How she had such advanced cancer and no one knew it will never know. She was at work just a few weeks before her collapse. Her X-ray two weeks before was clear. I keep thinking how frightened she was. We thought she had a chest infection in the hospital so we were going home at night. If I knew it was her last week of life I would never have left her side. The guilt kills me every single day.
Joules I can understand how you feel about the guilt, it really is awful. Since mum died I’ve had aches and pains I never had before, sure it’s due to the stress of the guilt. I didn’t live near either but loved the times we spent together in the same house, breakfast together etc, it was like her home from home. We were planning Christmas too. Like you, I moved for specific reasons and of course you never think at the time what could happen. My mum was alone when it happened, but there were lots of local family members who didn’t get there in time either. The if only 's are so hard, and there is nothing we can do. You got to be with your mum and tell her you loved her, precious time, which I would give anything to have, one more chat. Try and think how much that must have helped your mum to have you there with her, although so hard for you to see
Ah Alicia it’s hard isn’t it. Sadly lots of people die alone. There are so many pros and cons. They die quick but alone, no pain no fear. Or like my mum she died with us all there but she was so frightened. Her mental anguish was far worse than her physical pain. Mums only symptom was a bad back for several months. So I thank god she never knew she had cancer until the very end. Mum had a phobia of cancer. For 50 years she checked herself in an OCD manner. She did have a form of ocd that centred around her fear of cancer. I wonder if this time she found something and this time she kept it to herself. But you can imagine how terrified she was as we sat around her bed and consultant told her she had advanced cancer. She died two days later after her diagnosis and only a week in hospital. I think she chose that. She couldn’t face the cancer
There are things I should be thankful for. Firstly I was there at the end. I wouldn’t have had it any other way although I have to live with those final moments in my mind forever. Whether you are far away or at their bedside, it’s horrible and I can clearly see that you all are suffering either way. Secondly, mum came to live in our old house when we moved out nearly 7 years ago. We only moved about 12 doors away so she was very happy to be so close us. That should be a comfort to me and I should be grateful for that. Gives me other issues now though so that in our house I can see her, outside our house I can see her, in the street I can see her, outside her house I can see her, all in my mind however but not in reality. I can’t escape from the thoughts and desperation to see her again. Every time I leave our house I look up the street expecting to see her wave. It’s like some sort of complex driving me mad.
If only’s are extremely hard and make me want to scream.
Plans are another thing we have to endure. I didn’t realise before having to grieve what the effect of plans would be. Everyone has plans, we all do. I had plans, my mum had plans. Plans to do stuff at Christmas. Plans for the next holiday. Plans for the next get together. These are all things in the future and when those time arrive, they won’t be there so the pain will be immense. It’s mad I know but I feel that mum is missing out and is sad that she won’t be able to be there. I’m sad because she is sad! Crazy!
One massive plan for me was that after meeting my dad for the first time in my life (long story), my mum and I would go and see him together after the holiday in his care home. He is 2 hours drive away and not well. I was looking forward to having both my parents in the same room together with me at the same time for the first time ever and a photo to prove it. 46 years and I get to within 2 weeks of that happening and now that chance has gone forever. Forever is such a horrible word now.
Its very hard, to think of our mum’s scared and we cant make it right. It must have been awful for her after being so scared of cancer not that we arent all, but some people do have a real phobia, but knowing you were all there would have been a huge comfort. My dad got cancer and lived for 4 more months and outwardly he coped well, but who knows what he was thinking about during that time. I know that my mum, rang the emergency services from her call button she wore and they talked to her for a while but then nothing, she said she felt breathless and ill, its just awful that I wasnt there to hold her hand but sadly even if I had been in the area, I had to stay nearby as she only had one bedroom so wouldn’t have been there. I just hope memories like that will fade in time. The life we all had together must be the most important and not the end.
Shaun those last images are quite haunting aren’t they. However I don’t think you will ever meet someone who has had a loved one die. Say yes that was a good death no guilt no pain no fear. If you were with them you have the knowledge and images me and Shaun and others have. If you are not with them you suffer the way Alicia and others have. Guilt is part of grieving. Every day I wake up with a new guilt a new thought. It’s relentless no peace of mind at all. Shaun I also get what you are saying about being so close to where she is. Here in Cornwall I feel rather detached. All my memories are back in Hertfordshire. Our coffee shop. Our shopping centre. Her house. Morrison’s where she used to work. When I go back To visit dad I grieve all over again. I’m going back to see dad in two weeks and I’ll stay in their house. And the grieving process will start again more intensely.
Alicia. It’s a very real concern now with my
Dad living on his own and me far
Away that one day he will die alone. The only reason my mum got a week in hospital was because dad found her and did CPR if she had lived alone she would have died that day she collapsed.
I think in summary then. It’s horrible if we are with them at the end, it’s horrible if we are far away. It’s horrible if we lived close with them and it’s horrible if we lived far away. The emotional effects might be different depending on circumstance and one circumstance doesn’t trump another but the one thing that unites us in this journey is the pure grief we have to endure as we go on. We tell our stories and help each other along the way. Best we can do.