Its a constant worry as our parents age, we can’t be there 24/7, just as they must have felt about us. Even if we live close, months before mum died, my uncle died on his own, just sitting in the chair and all of his family lived near. So my logical brain tells me that however much we try, its something that happens, but of course the emotions get in the way, at times.
Exactly. Everything is horrible it doesn’t matter where you are what you did what you do, where you live. How it happened. It’s all pants!!! Lol
Just got to keep plodding on and talking and helping each other.
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I think even those living under the same roof can effectively die alone. We can’t physically monitor each other 24/7. That always was a big concern for me even though mum was 100m away. It’s been a concern for me as a parent, the constant worry that something might happen to my daughter while I’m not there. Things happen. With hindsight, we can prevent many things going wrong but this is real life and the world, the universe around us doesn’t care. I don’t want to die alone but that’s something I may have to face in the future, don’t want to think about that now. Argh, emotions!
My mum lived with me and had her own living room, bedroom and bathroom in my bungalow that I bought with her in mind in august 2018. If she had suffered her brain hemorrhage outside of the hospital chances are it would have been whilst at home during the day while I was as work and my daughter at school. One of us would have found her in bed or collapsed on the tiled kitchen floor. It doesn’t bear thinking about. We never did because we thought she was as fit as a fiddle. Now I know what I know I would have been terrified leaving her.
Shaun, I see my mum in the kitchen, the living room, can hear her in her bathroom. It’s just awful.memories are everywhere and it’s awful. I’m hoping one day that I will be grateful to have had everything I had with her x
I lived with Mum for over 23 years, as she could not live alone. I’m surrounded by Mum’s stuff. It has it’s positives and negatives.
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I’m sure one day you will be grateful as will I. I’m hoping to look back through photos and video and laugh and smile at the things we did both, mother and son as well as her with my family. Not sure how long it’ll be before I can.
Lucky for me that I can leave her house and close the door. Each time I go back, I can see her there and hear her voice offering me a cup of tea or asking me to fix her computer. I can see her standing at the door, sitting on her sofa, using the kettle…
Are you going to remain in your bungalow long term? You were so lovely to get her to live with you.
One thing I hate the thought of right now is that her house remains but someone else will eventually be living there. I’ll always have the urge to knock on the door and see her smiling face when it opens. I also wonder how long I’ll still keep calling it mum’s house. I almost wish I didn’t have to see the house ever again. x
Strangely I also used to have health anxiety which I did pick up from mum from an early age. Bless her she couldn’t help it. But it did manifest itself within me. I got counselling and medication for it. And it did really help but it bubbles under the surface. Now I don’t give a toss. The more stories I read on here the more I realise how precious and fragile life is. No point in bloody worrying. My mum worried about cancer for 50 years she still died from it. Yet those 50 years were fraught with anxiety and worry. There’s just no point is there. Just be vigilant. Be relatively healthy and live each day with love and laughter.
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Sorry posted this on wrong topic
Shaun,
I was house hunting and one weekend I picked mum up from her house and found out that she hadnt had a cup of tea fir 3 days because she couldn’t take the foil top off the milk. Her rheumatoid arthritis had been diagnosed in march 2018 and I convinced her to move in with us on the basis that she would have her own rooms. The arrangement was great for me too as she did all my childcare plus it was lovely to jointly live under one roof. We had some good times. I dont know if I can stay here but it cost alot with solicitors, estate agents fees and stamp duty.
So I dont know but I cant make big decisions yet.
It’s just so horrible for all of us in all her circumstances. I still can’t believe it x
When we moved to Cornwall I said to my parents let’s put our money together get a big plot of land and my husband who is a builder would build two houses for us. I still dreamt that one day that would happen. Having nanny in her granny flat at the back with my dad. Kids visiting them all the time never alone or lonely. Dads adamant now he wants to stay in their house with all his memories.
Give him time joules. My mum was on her own for 20 years after my dad died before she agreed to come and live with us. All my hopes and dreams and she was only there 10 months and I still couldn’t save her x
Joules
You must lose sight of why you moved and I’m sure your mum agreed with the love her the same og her beloved grandchildren.
My mum lived for her daughters and grandchildren and we couldn’t have loved her more x
I understand. You did a lovely thing for her, I would have done the same. I know what you mean about the child care, free too with no strings attached and at short notice. That’s yet another thing I miss. Even when we went on holiday she would look after her granddaughter and they would go off and do stuff together.
Well if you don’t need to make big decisions right now then don’t. You are right about the cost of houses and moving. It’s ridiculous these days, rich persons game!
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You are right mum was so happy to see us happy and settled. I know she missed us. But she was so worried about my daughter who was very unhappy and being bullied. One of her last messages to me were on Facebook telling me “you look also happy I’m so happy for you”. And she said the birthday I threw her here in Cornwall was one of her best that she would never forget. God life can certainly kick you when you just get yourself settled.
Being here in Cornwall I do pretend that really she is back at home with dad
I do understand that, that when you don’t live locally, you can almost believe they are still there. I imagine mum pottering round her home, even now. I’ve never been back, apart from her funeral, it must be so hard for those of you who now have an empty room in your home or pass by every day. I was decorating mums bedroom for when she came at christmas, when she died, still did as she had asked, it’s sad that she never got to see it. That’s the hard part the things we can no longer share. It’s lovely that your mum got to see where you loved and enjoyed it
Thank you for mentioning how long your tribute was. Mine is 1267 and the vicar seem to suggest it was rather long! He hadn’t even read it but glanced at it. I was tempted to cut it, because of his comments, but now I’ll see how I feel. I’m not going to read the tribute myself. Your daughter was incredible to write and read her own tribute.
Does anyone feel its still unreal?
9 weeks in. Oh definitely it still feels unreal! Sometimes I feel like I’m looking out into the world from a room with a very small window. This can happen when I’m out and about sometimes
I’m just about to meet a friend I haven’t seen for a while. Not told him the news yet. Here we go again…I’ll let you know how my evening goes.
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My mum had a 45 minute service at the crematorium. I was advised 1800 words max so I did 1800 words. I would not have appreciated being told to cut it shorter. It took 10 mins to read. Nobody fell asleep and I had comments after from people telling me that they never knew this or that. Do exactly what you feel best however long or short you want it to be. I’m sure people will want to hear it and nobody will complain about its length.
My eulogy was 10 minutes long and everyone commented on what a wonderful eulogy it was. The humanist said that my eulogy gave everyone such an insight into my mum. She was such a quiet private person. But I just wanted everyone to know finally all about her. To know her wonderful spirit. I could have talked for hours and no one was going to tell me to cut it short the last speech about my mum. No way.