Well said. I don’t normally have strong views on most things but probably and especially at times like this I’m a bit twitchy about being told what to do or the way I feel!
People need to do what they think is best and right for them. I will always support that. I’ll get off my soapbox now.
Daffy,
20 weeks in and it’s so unreal. I just cant explain her absence that’s all.
5 months ago on the 1st may, mum looked after my daughter all day took her to McDonalds and for a wander round maidstone. I got home and found them cuddled up on the sofa where I joined them for an hour before bed. The following day mum had her mini stroke, 11 days later she was dead. Excuse me but what the hell happened! I still cant take it in and feel that I will never be happy again. I’m just existing now and to be honest dont think I will reach anywhere near mums age, the affect this grief has had on me x
I’ll have to hope for the best re the funeral and the vicar.It’s a 45 minute slot and there are under 20 people present. He is treating it like a 30 minute slot. I’ve got a short Beatles song, but he suggested that he might cut it towards the end. The final verse is ‘In my life i love you all’. I won’t be exactly charmed if he pulls it before that line. Apparently, they have a button where they can control music. He chosen a psalm which reads in under 1 minute and I’ve chosen a hymn which is under 2.5 minutes. I realise he’s going to give his lesson but I hope it is not at the expense of something which I really wanted. I hope i’m just sensitive and mis-reading the situation… Usually, I quite a good reader of people and what they say. I think the best thing I can do is re-iterate that we have booked it for 45 minutes. I was thinking last night how grateful i am to have found this site. Peoples care, understanding and mutual support is wonderful. It dawned on me last night that i will forever miss my Mum, but that it will very slowly get less painful.
Shaun73, How did your evening go?
Its all so business like. There is nothing personal about the funeral. Everything is timed and I was warned to keep my eulogy short. It all went well though, as far as I recall. The day is a bit of a blur as you may find daffy.
I just found myself staring at mums cardboard coffin (her choice) at thinking that her body wouldn’t be inside. Either that or she was going to jump up and say, it’s been a joke everyone.
You’re so right about this site daffy. I dont know how I would have got through without sharing my misery with so many others going through the same losses.you think it will never happen to your mum. Death is for other peoples mums not mine. But that wasn’t to be and death was for mine after all.
Daffy123,
Thanks for asking.
It was enjoyable to get out to a pub and have a nice catch up with an ex work colleague from a previous job. It had been a long time coming so we had a lot to talk about. The conversation was light and I didn’t start off by telling him about what had happened as I didn’t really want it to dominate the evening. It became apparent though that I would have to say something as the conversation went on because we were touching upon subject matter that I couldn’t really talk about without going through it all. i.e. the holiday, which he knew we’d just had, I couldn’t very well just say how marvellous it all was.
In the end I took a deep breath and told him. I had told him previously that the holiday had ended tragically but he didn’t know why, so now I explained what I meant. It’s incredible how difficult it is to announce about my mum, telling someone for the first time, even though I’d done it several times already. Being a pub too. I just about held it together but couldn’t go into any particular details of the day as i was concerned about losing it completely. He had lost his mum in 2007 to cancer so of course we talked about that in ways we hadn’t really talked about before. He ‘gets’ it all and what I’m going through thankfully. I’ve found it amazing that people who have been through it themselves are suddenly comfortable to talk about stuff where previously they wouldn’t with me. Why would they of course? I don’t feel the need to discuss the gritty stuff with every one I associate with. On here of course I feel I can really opening up and let it all go and people will listen and empathise.
The rest of the evening was enjoyable but a little louder than I’d like. We are arranging another get together in the coming weeks and next time I won’t have to announce this again! I’m looking forward to it. We all need good friends to feel relaxed around!
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Mum wasn’t religious so we had a humanist service which was more flexible and a celebration of life. It was a hot day and I got roaring drunk at the wake after most people had left and it was just close family. We played mums favourite songs and we talked about all our memories.
I still can’t believe it either. I was so naive and thought things like that didn’t happen to us.
Glad you had a good night Shaun. It’s good to talk it over with good friends who will listen. I’ve been surprised at who has and hasnt been there for me. Certainly helps to speak to friends who have lost one or both parents.
I think we are still in shock and probably will be for some time.
I just couldn’t bear to talk to people all sharing laughs and jokes about mum. She had only been dead 3 weeks. All I could think was mum should be here.why couldn’t there have been a gathering like this when mum was alive? Why does everyone turn up to funerals but can’t make arrangements when people are alive? Mum was by my side all my life and the loss of her is just incredible.
I was on autopilot I think. Completely numb. And I drank too much back at my cousins where I was staying. By 8pm my husband had put me to bed sobbing. My dad was so strong I just felt I had to be too. When he left and went home it was then I unravelled.
You are right about funerals being all business like. That’s what they are though especially at crematoriums. Bit of a conveyor belt operation. I didn’t feel rushed though thankfully. 45 minutes was plenty of time and the tribute was the main event.
The coffin was there, I looked at it with the flowers on top, I touched it on the way out just to say goodbye one more time. Only can only describe that feeling as weird.
We had a wake afterwards in a hall next to our house. We didn’t have a huge amount of people but it was lovely to see the rare occasion of all my family and good friends in one place at the same time. It was a strangely jovial affair at the wake. That was until of course they all went home…The day was a bit of a blur as you mention.
I wanted this all to be some sick joke but alas it wasn’t. Yes, death only happens to other people’s relatives, not mine. Of course that just is so not true. I hate life!
I agree. I held it together until the day after the funeral pretty well. It’s now the getting on with life with hardly anyone giving her a mention that’s so hard.
All I do is think about how well she always looked, how she never even got colds and coughs. How could she be so near to death 5 months ago? How could last easter,xmas, halloween be her last ever?
She was so funny and such good company. I could just sit in bed and cry all day every day
Me too Shaun.
I really do.
The thread you started has turned into a massive one hasnt it? Our mums would be amazed this was all about them.
If you told me 5months ago what was on store I would never have believed you. I cant believe our first xmas is coming up with out them. I cant even do the xmas tree without her. She was so good at everything.
Yeah, everyone is getting on with their own lives again. Tough isn’t it? I’m still suffering in solitude.
Yes, how could my mum be here in August and now not? If you had told us in August that she would’t make it to September I would have thought that a ridiculous notion. Really screws my brain something rotten. So many lasts that I didn’t realise at the time would be the last.
Thank you for your post in the other group btw. I know you say I’m doing well but it certainly doesn’t feel like it. I haven’t a clue really as I’ve not been through grief like this before. It all feels like yesterday to me too. I don’t feel I’ve improved much in the last few weeks. My mums birthday is on 8th December when she would have been 74. Great. Then there’s Christmas. I’ve no plans, rather not bother to be honest but for my daughter. I’ve had an invite from relatives to go to them on boxing day but I’m turning it down. I can’t be happy clappy on that day and I don’t want to drag down their day either. Too many people as well. My birthday is next March. I guess I won’t get a card from her. Mothers day. Argh. The torture continues.
This time last year we were all so happy about future plans. Christmas away Skiing for the first time. Holidays this year coming up. Lots of things. What do I have now? Not sure yet.
Yeah I never expect this thread to grow so large but you are all wonderful people to chat with! I love talking about my mum and I love hearing about yours. They deserve to be talked about in such high esteem. I owe my mum so much, I’m sure you all do.
I know. I guess it’s just developing a new normal and it’s not going to be easy.
I honestly thought she would be around for another 15 to 20 years so never gave any of this any thought at all. Mum never looked or acted like she was in her final months, weeks and days. Looking back st photographs she had declined alot over the last 9 or 10 months. She had lost weight, her face more lined, her walking was alot slower but because we all lived together I guess we didn’t notice and at 74 she wasnt a spring chicken like we all used to think.
All I do now is look back and wonder why I didnt drag her to the doctors or intervene more instead of just accepting ‘its my arthtits’ dont worry.
Then again perhaps it was better that none of us knew the seriousness of mums health. I would have driven her mad asking if she was ok all the time, scared to go to work.
Maybe the way everything worked out was for the best. Normal life until it wasnt as you said
Hi Shaun I know, its awful how things get back to normal for everyone but inside its never the same. Its 2 years since I lost my mum and it seems like yesterday, my aunt said, it took her 5 years to feel settled again so still a long way to go. I would like the good memories to over ride the sad ones but at the moment it feels like it will never happen. Sad for you when you wanted to have your parents together at at last, the if only’s never seem to end.
You touch upon an interesting point there that I hadn’t really given much thought to.
When we are close to those we love and see them all the time, we don’t really notice changes over time and so probably don’t ever think that someone may have aged faster in the last year than previous years. My mum did slow down in recent times but that was just put down to age and the fact I walk extremely fast! Looking back through photographs is interesting though and a reminder that they were young and fit in past just like we hopefully are today. It’s when you look at that photo from when they were your age, which is never really that long ago, there is a realisation of how short life is!
Those why’s just don’t stop do they?
I can imagine myself being resistance to accepting something is wrong and then telling others not to worry. Human nature I guess.
Maybe if I’m lucky I will be healthy or at least able bodied until I drop down. Good for me, not so good for my family. I really don’t know what’s best, there probably isn’t a best scenario for all concerned. I hope one day I can stop thinking about death!
I dont think I will ever stop thinking about it and dont think I will be the carefree,jolly mum that my mum was.
I dont think I will see old age anymore and it’s so depressing. I’m just not good company either which is such a shame as I used to be and my mum and I together were so funny.
I dont know,maybe in a few months I will be feeling more positive
I’m hoping that in time I will be more positive and at ease with what’s happened. I do find it hard to believe that will be the case and how could I ever be that carefree person again. It’s a confusing state of affairs. Logical vs emotional again? I’ve been spouting a lot of depressing stuff here for the last couple of days so I hope I’m not dragging you all down with me. I know you are going to tell me that is not the case though. You don’t have to be good company. You are good company here as are many others and I really appreciate that. I’m going to stick around a while and we will move forward together through this horrible mess. We all will.
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