Yesterday after a very short battle with cancer, i lost my mum who was always my best friend. I feel absolutely torn up inside and i cant sit with my own thoughts. I dread the night time coming and last night i woke up at 3am feeling like i couldn’t breathe or stop my mind racing. I sat crying on the edge of the bed for a while.
My mum was first admitted into hospital on 10th June this year with dangerously low sodium levels, and for the first 4 weeks she was treated with medication on the ward for atrial fibrillation and suspected heart failure. I spoke to her on the phone, in person and via video call every single day. I adored my Mum, i still do, and i didn’t want her to go through it alone. Then week 5 happened and the dreaded C word was mentioned for the very first time. My gut ached, i felt so sick. Everything went so quickly and badly from that point. After 2 CT scans on her lungs and the abdomen, we were informed that she had primary lung cancer and that it had spread to her adrenal glands and her liver, and that any treatment they might be able to offer would be palliative, as it couldn’t be cured. I was just devastated by it all.
On the 26th July she was discharged with a view to coming home for a bit and going back in to start some palliative treatment that would hopefully stop it from spreading further and would buy her some time. This didn’t go to plan. She was readmitted on the 7th August via ambulance to A&E as she had gone down hill really quick and stopped eating altogether. She was too weak to stand and couldn’t manage more than a few words. I rang the ambulance and explained that i thought it was the sodium levels again, as this was the only medication that she had not been discharged with; she had continued with everything else.
My suspicions were correct and blood tests showed it was even lower than the first time. she spent a few days on the respiratory ward whilst they gradually increased her sodium levels and waited for a bed to become available on the cancer ward. One transferred, we were told that they may be able to carry out chemotherapy as a means of controlling the cancer and buying more time. This was Friday just gone, the first round was planned for Monday just gone, and in the early hours of Tuesday morning (after the chemo being cancelled due to a collapsed lung) she died in my arms in hospital.
I cannot begin to explain my emotions. They are so mixed up and one second i feel like i can smile and laugh with my children and the next i have to leave the room to go and cry in private. I haven’t told them that she is gone yet as i cant bring myself to say the words to them and to deal with the upset from their grief, as well as my own. They are only 7 & 4 years old.
I have loving family around me, but i feel like i am alone in this nightmare bubble and i cant see how my future goes without her in it. We were so close. It feels like there has been some kind of huge mistake because she was just the kindest woman you could have met. She was so funny, whitty, kind, and sincere. She loved us so much and we loved her.
This is the second time i have experienced someone die, the first was my uncle who died in very similar circumstances, but i never thought i would be going through the same experience with my own Mum and feeling like i just dont understand this world.
Bev x
