Lost my Mum yesterday - absolutely devastated

Yesterday after a very short battle with cancer, i lost my mum who was always my best friend. I feel absolutely torn up inside and i cant sit with my own thoughts. I dread the night time coming and last night i woke up at 3am feeling like i couldn’t breathe or stop my mind racing. I sat crying on the edge of the bed for a while.

My mum was first admitted into hospital on 10th June this year with dangerously low sodium levels, and for the first 4 weeks she was treated with medication on the ward for atrial fibrillation and suspected heart failure. I spoke to her on the phone, in person and via video call every single day. I adored my Mum, i still do, and i didn’t want her to go through it alone. Then week 5 happened and the dreaded C word was mentioned for the very first time. My gut ached, i felt so sick. Everything went so quickly and badly from that point. After 2 CT scans on her lungs and the abdomen, we were informed that she had primary lung cancer and that it had spread to her adrenal glands and her liver, and that any treatment they might be able to offer would be palliative, as it couldn’t be cured. I was just devastated by it all.

On the 26th July she was discharged with a view to coming home for a bit and going back in to start some palliative treatment that would hopefully stop it from spreading further and would buy her some time. This didn’t go to plan. She was readmitted on the 7th August via ambulance to A&E as she had gone down hill really quick and stopped eating altogether. She was too weak to stand and couldn’t manage more than a few words. I rang the ambulance and explained that i thought it was the sodium levels again, as this was the only medication that she had not been discharged with; she had continued with everything else.

My suspicions were correct and blood tests showed it was even lower than the first time. she spent a few days on the respiratory ward whilst they gradually increased her sodium levels and waited for a bed to become available on the cancer ward. One transferred, we were told that they may be able to carry out chemotherapy as a means of controlling the cancer and buying more time. This was Friday just gone, the first round was planned for Monday just gone, and in the early hours of Tuesday morning (after the chemo being cancelled due to a collapsed lung) she died in my arms in hospital.

I cannot begin to explain my emotions. They are so mixed up and one second i feel like i can smile and laugh with my children and the next i have to leave the room to go and cry in private. I haven’t told them that she is gone yet as i cant bring myself to say the words to them and to deal with the upset from their grief, as well as my own. They are only 7 & 4 years old.

I have loving family around me, but i feel like i am alone in this nightmare bubble and i cant see how my future goes without her in it. We were so close. It feels like there has been some kind of huge mistake because she was just the kindest woman you could have met. She was so funny, whitty, kind, and sincere. She loved us so much and we loved her.

This is the second time i have experienced someone die, the first was my uncle who died in very similar circumstances, but i never thought i would be going through the same experience with my own Mum and feeling like i just dont understand this world.

Bev x

Hi Bev.

You’ve made the first step by letting your feelings flow on here. Well done. :heart:

I’ve lost both my parents in the last 10 months so I’m right with you.

At first, nothing made sense to me and things like favourite foods and drink lost their flavour.

That’s all completely normal - as is the way you’re feeling now.

Knowing that they are no longer in any pain or distress is the one thing that keeps me going.

I was their carer every day for the last 10 years and geared my career and location around being able to help them, so I completely know the way you’re feeling. Like you, it was during the pandemic and at times couldn’t be with them in hospital.

I was devastated losing Mum and Dad, but slowly the deep, deep sadness is ebbing away, gradually. Bit by bit there are fewer teary days. And on teary days, I can cry in the shower and then start the day with it out of my system.

I still miss them like mad, and wish I could go back to even the worse care days. But I’ve realised that I’m noticing pretty things in nature around me - signs I’m looking forward.

You sound wonderfully caring with lots of empathy and perhaps that’s why it hurts so much. That’s my excuse.

The essence of your mother will always be in you.

Hope that’s of some help to you.

1 Like

Hi bev, I’m really sorry to hear about your mum, I totally understand how you are feeling my mum went into hospital on may 13th this year for tests, ended up staying in for 16 days to have ct scan, MRI scan, ultrasound, finally diagnosed with secondary liver cancer, kidney tumour and other things, ì wanted her home to be with dad and her family I gave up my job and cared for her for 6 weeks she passed away July 10th, i miss her so much it hurts, I feel lost, angry and guilty she isn’t here , we had the funeral which was tough, I go to the cemetery, but it seems so surreal, I’ve cried every day, but I’m not sure its 100% sunk in , I’m waiting for counselling to see if it will help me, I have two supportive daughters who have been amazing but are grieving too, I know I’ll never be the same person again, its such a rollercoaster journey we are all on, this forum is really good knowing people are going through the same pain and understand how you are feeling, I hope you are ok, keep messaging on here there is always someone to talk to, take care
Lynn x

Thank you Lynn for your response and kind words. I’m sorry to hear of your dreadful experience and can honestly empathise with all of those strong, horrible emotions that just seem to come at you in big waves. I am also interested in seeking some sort of counselling as i want to help myself out of this hole before it gets too deep and swallows me up. For me this is still all brand new and raw, and i’ve got so much to over come, including the chapel of rest and the funeral. Even just writing those words in relation to my Mum seems surreal. I cant get my head around the fact that its happened. I find that talking about it really helps me feel like i’m not alone, and strange as it may sound it helps me to feel less like me and my lovely Mum have been singled out and put through this awful event, that feels like it must be some kind of punishment, its that unfair.

The thing that really got me is the fact that i have always lived as a good person, with kind actions, and so did my Mum. It seems so illogical and like we are being punished for being good people. It just makes no sense to me, and as my Mum always said about things that didnt make sense, ‘there is no rhyme or reason to it’.

Its good to know that you have two lovely daughters who give you strength to keep going. My two children have had the longest hugs from me today, just not wanting to let go of them. Love is such an indescribable thing, and to lose someone you love so much is simply devastating.

My hope is that this pain, panic and confusion will get less and less, and the lovely, vibrant, happy memories intensify as i move forward. I really want to take out all of the photos i have of my mum and create a photo book of her with all the memories. Trouble is at the moment i cant quite take it. I know its too much for me right now.

Bev x

Hi everyone
I can’t believe I’ve found this group and you are all so brave in sharing your stories.
My mum died on 26th June, killed by ovarian cancer. She died peacefully, at home with me, my brother and dad with her - I couldn’t ask for more in terms of the way it ended for the most beautiful, amazing woman I have met.
I went straight into organising mode , sorting things out and caring for my dad who also had health issues. Then totally unexpectedly , he died on Sunday night with my poor brother with him at home and because my brother called me as he was worried I saw my dad die too via video call. By the time I got there it was confirmed by the paramedic and I was an orphan.
The floodgates have opened - all the grief I hadn’t started dealing with for mum collided with the shock of dad dying and having no one to be strong for now, I’m a total mess!
I am having anxiety attacks for the first time in my life and can’t bear the thought of going back to their house to collect the things we need to start sorting things out. It was our family home for over 40 years but I don’t want to go there again.
I am in physical pain - just want to scream it out and can’t believe that in just 7 weeks my life has exploded. I’m just looking for advice tips and support … please help if you can
Cat x

Hi Cat,

I am so sorry for the terrible ordeal that you have experienced. I too have no parents left, which is a thought that i have tried not to dwell on as it makes me panic. You do have someone to be strong for - you. You deserve to get through this and go on to enjoy life again, although it seems like that will never happen i know. I can barely think about the future as it just feels like its not going to be the future that it should have been - with my Mum in it.

I am also extremely uneasy about going back to my Mums house to sort things out, i just cannot face it. I still have her bags and belongings in the boot of my car that i brought home from the hospital - i cannot bare to go and get them. Part of me wants to cuddle her dressing gown thats in there but i cant right now. Same with photos - i want to start a photo book and begin collecting/printing all the pictures i have of her - but theres a bit of me that just cannot bring myself to do it. Im scared of opening the flood gates again.

I am so sorry for what you have experienced, but trust me you are not alone. We have just been opened up to this horrific world of grief and despair, and i hope it gets better for us. Our loved ones would want us to go on with our lives and make the best of them. I want to live and honour my Mum.

Take care and message back if you wish.
Bev x

Hi Bev,
Thank you for replying … especially when it’s just as raw for you after what you’ve been through which sounds just devastating.
I feel the same way about the photos - I want to gather everything up and create something special but can’t face it yet especially knowing what I need to sort out for dad having only just done it for mum.
You are absolutely right too about living our lives to honour our mums and dad’s… the future without them seems incomprehensible yet I know that’s what it is … we just have to work out how to get there safely I guess.
This is a team you don’t want to be on but being there for others in the same situation somehow seems to offer some hope.
Take care and let us know how tomorrow goes
Cat x

Hi bev I lost my mum 18 years ago but I never forgot her beautiful smile and lovely laughter when I was going though a rough patch I always believed she was watching over me then I saw a white feather fly down from the sky and I thought she’s watching over me

Never forget the good times