Lost my mum

I lost my mum 5 years ago due to heart failure. Some days are OK and some are really bad. People say its meant to get better but on bad days I’m back there, on that horrible day. I lost her when she was only 50 and I was 21.
I feel like a part of me died that day, like I’ve never been the same since. It’s been so long since I heard her voice and I’m scared because I’ve starting to forget what she sounded like.
Back then I used to be in charge of a care home, it was my job to look after vulnerable adults, but I just can’t seem to get over the fact that I couldn’t save her. I know logically that there was nothing I could do, but for some reason it doesn’t stop me feeling guilty.
I remember how it felt when my dad called me, and I knew. He didn’t say it but I just knew. I remember giving her CPR at home even though I knew she was already gone. I tried so hard but it wouldn’t work.
I have a partner and he’s great, but he just doesn’t understand. And in a way I’m glad he doesn’t. Every birthday, every new year’s, every Christmas, it’s just another reminder of who I’ve lost. My mum was amazing and the bravest women I’ve ever met. I know it’s been 5 years and I should be better at this by now, but I’m still struggling. I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life.


Hi Emma,

Sorry for the loss you are going through. You are so young and your mom was young. It’s so unfair. I understand your pain. I am 31 and I lost my mom to a sudden cardiac arrest almost two months ago. She was only 58. I know I will be in the same devastated state in 5,10,15, 25,45 years from now (hopefully I will die sooner).
I can understand why you are still hurting. I have realized from hearing other people’s experiences that this pain never goes away. For me it just keeps increasing day by day. Today I cried several times and I kept telling myself “it’s ok. We all are going to die and when we do we all reunite”. It did help me. I am struggling so much.
You are brave just like your mother. Clearly you are her DNA. Going through this pain for 5 years is not easy, in fact I’m sure it was impossible but you did it and I think it’s because your mom is giving you the strength you need.
I know my mom is giving her strength to me. My mom will never leave me. She will stay with me forever because she loves me a lot.
Do you have any siblings you can talk to? I am sure your partner will talk to you about it if you try it. It’s not easy for everyone to understand. You understand it only when you go through it.
Please know that you are not alone. You are one brave daughter.
We are the replicas of our moms. We should be proud of that.
Take care.