Lost my mum

My mum died suddenly 12 weeks ago. I’m about to become a mum for the first time in the next two weeks.
Mum was my rock. She was a single parent and I’m an only child so we were very close even though we had our disagreements now and then. We spoke on the phone daily and messaged all the time.
She was so excited to become a nanny for the first time and we had so much planned. Now I don’t know how to even cope with the mundane stuff without feeling her loss so painfully.
Mum had a lot of emotional problems and didn’t really enjoy a good quality of life, which I feel huge remorse for now. I wanted mum to be happy. She never got to be happy. I also feel huge guilt for not visiting her the weekend before she died. She’d told me she felt poorly but because of her problems I was used to her saying things like that and didn’t take it seriously. In fact, I’m ashamed to say I didn’t believe her because she had previously told me she wasn’t well to avoid going out etc
As a result, my mum suffered for four days without my support or affection, living in conditions nobody should live in. She died of cardiac arrest in hospital four days after she told me she was feeling unwell. Seeing my mum in resuscitation, after she’d already died, looking so ill, frail and neglected will always fill me with such a heavy guilt. I deserve that much for not even checking in on the woman who gave me so much and loved me beyond measure.
All I can see ahead is every happiness being tinged by pain and a loss that feels so huge, it’s like it has a presence of its own.

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My mum died exactly the same way

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I’m really sorry to hear that. How are you managing now?

Not good c

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I’m sorry to hear that. I have good and bad days right now. But the pain is there all the time.
I hope you’re getting the support you need from the people around you. The loneliness a mum leaves behind is pretty crushing.

I’m talking to cruise bereavement care and receiving counselling