Lost my Mum

Yesterday I went to see my Mum who I looked after and found she had passed away. She was on the floor and I had to go through ringing the paramedics and telling them she had gone. It was really sudden and unexpected. She had been poorly last year and had a few health problems but was doing really well and although housebound had gained some independence back. I feel a massive amount of guilt as I had gone away for a few days for the first time in 4 years with my partner. I was in touch with her several times a day (as we always were) right up until the day I found her. I am just absolutely heartbroken my Mum was my best friend and we did everything together especially since my Dad passed away in 1999 at the age of 51 I was only 18 when that happened and really struggled. I am 41 now and an only child with no biological children and just feel so alone and lost. My partner is trying his best to support me but can’t cope with seeing me cry. I don’t even know if they are doing a post mortem yet and I just keep replaying the whole thing in my head. I miss her so much already.


Hello @Kitty24,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry for the heartbreaking loss of your mum. Your loss is so very recent and it sounds like it was a great shock to you. Sadly, many of our members have experienced the loss of their mums and will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

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Hi @Kitty24
Im so so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 6 months ago and still feel like I’m walking knee deep in mud. She was my best friend and i cared for her for 18 months while she was having treatment for leukaemia. My dad passed away in 1997 and my 2 brothers live far away.
I know how you feel. Its true what they say about time being a healer, every day i feel a little more myself. Its early days for you and youre most probably in such a state of shock. Take care of yourself.
Feel free to DM me if you would like to chat.


Thank you for your kind words and I am sorry about your Mum too. It is very early days and I’m still waiting for the coroner to get in touch so in a combination of emotions of being in limbo and grieving but not being able to plan anything either.
I think when you have cared for a parent you always have that closeness as well as feeling a loss of purpose.

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@Kitty24 I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mum in the same way in October 22. She was living with us as she had heart problems and was frail, but the end was very sudden and unexpected.
It is just the most traumatic thing ever to find your mum like that. I do feel for you.
Guilt is a normal part of grief, I still go through those last days and replay everything in my mind and wonder why I couldn’t realise her body was slowly shutting down before the cardiac arrest.
I am also an only child and feel very lonely now as I lost my dad when I was a child over 40 years ago.
I hope you will find support on this forum because we are all going through the same awful situation. You are in shock, so try to rest as much as possible and take care of yourself.
Sending love and strength. I’m here if you need to chat.
Kate xx

@Kitty24 I really am so very sorry for your loss. You are so brave.

I lost my Mum last month, suddenly and unexpectedly too. We got the post mortem results back yesterday which confirmed a heart attack (which is what I thought) I still had a little cry when it was confirmed though. Bless her.

My Mum was my best friend, I’m a single Mum and since the death of my Dad (three years ago) it was just me, Mum and my daughter, we were all so so close.

I’m 43 and feel that I’m too young to have lost both my parents.

My only advice to you is take each day as it comes, do not put any pressure on yourself. I remember the early days, it was like living in a bad dream. The wonderful people on this site are so kind, they will help you (as they did, and are helping me)

Please try and take care of yourself, I know it’s difficult as you perhaps don’t want to eat and feel like everything is a dream and you’ll wake up soon, and everything will be back to normal. I think it’s part of the grief process.

Nichola x

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I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. It is traumatic to lose your mum so unexpectedly and to have to see her that way. It is hard enough to lose a parent but to experience that kind of trauma will take time to get over and you almost need to work through the shock before anything else.
I went through the same experience at the end of November and I’m still trying to come to terms with it. Because it was sudden and unexpected Mum had to have a postmortem so it meant we couldn’t hold her funeral until just before Christmas and it was awful.
I have started bereavement counselling which is helping me to talk through it and process it all. I’m 37 and have lost both of my parents now as my Dad died when I was a teenager. I feel very angry that they’re not here anymore. The things that are helping me at the moment is talking it out. Sometimes I just need to take myself away and grieve on my own, I’ll put on some music and sit with a cup of tea and think or cry. Sometimes I write to get the words out.
There is no right or wrong way but people have just said to me do whatever you need to do to get through and that is all you can do. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this but you will find a way even if you feel like you won’t. Trust that what you are feeling is normal. Feelings will change and evolve but you will always get through it. Take care of yourself.


I am so sorry to read your message.
I also found my mum and battled (and still do battle) with the guilt surrounding her death.
It has been six months and I still can’t believe this is happening/has happened.
Be kind to your self. One of the things I found the hardest was not being in daily contact with mum. I think I realised that actually I was really dependent on those regular catch-ups too. When you have cared for someone there is a tendency to think you are looking out for them, when actually it becomes part of your identity too.
I have found it helps to talk to others, including in online communities like this. I also got grief therapy very quickly and felt like it has been saving me.
If you ever want to reach out, I’m here.
Go easy on yourself. Try to look after yourself and your basic needs - or at least let others do this for you.

I have nothing else to say other than I know and understand the unimaginable pain you are feeling right now.
Rebecca x

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Hi Kitty24
Your post is heartbreaking. I lost my mum Dec 30th so feel the same as you.
My husband says also he doesn’t know what to do to help me and I know he struggles in knowing what to say to me when I am crying which at the moment is almost all the time.
Like you I was on touch with my mum many times a day and spent so much time with her.The shock of finding her was so sad for you and then dealing with it was also so traumatic.
It’s also such a shock when you think they are doing so well and you just don’t see this happening.So many questions we can ask.
Just want you to know ism thinking of you and am here if you ever needs chat or pm me anytime ok
Deborahx I

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