Lost my mum

Lost my mum my best friend in the whole world in October feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and my whole life torn apart my girls have lost their nan who they were so very close to the look on their face when I had to tell them she had gone and they would not see her again was heartbreaking I still can’t believe she’s not here anymore it’s been 4 weeks and it feels like yesterday, life will never be the same again I miss her so much I just want to be with her.

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sorry for your sad loss, such an awful time, there’s lots of us on here so feel free to share whatever you need to, people will come along and offer you warmth, caring and an understanding of what you’re going through. You’re not alone.

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Thankyou it’s been tough my mum had battled cancer for the last 26 years had been clear for 2 it popped up somewhere else they removed it and said she was clear that was January then in April started suffering with her leg Dr said could be arthritis she had her scan in may saw her consultant end of July it was bad news cancer was back no treatment terminal prognosis it was a real shock we got hospital bed installed at home as she couldn’t walk got carers in, palliative care nurses gave us no support we had no support except from her carers but that wasn’t really their job, she had a fall at home in the August fractured her hip, they couldn’t operate as it was through the cancer site, she was in 10 days, came home had good days and bad, had another fall day after her birthday in September and so we then had to accept she may not be here by December not knowing it would be less, she never came home they didn’t move her to palliative care till the week before I’m so angry we had no support from anyone we had battles in hospital to get her proper pain relief which she eventually got but it was too little too late, she went peacefully but we were not there we had all seen her in hospital the day before I think mum knew and she’d said her goodbyes individually to us in different ways I was the last to see her that night I told her how much I loved her held her hand told her how much my girls loved there nan then lied and said we would be ok, but I’m not, I never will be I feel so alone and so lost without her.

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Sounds like you’ve been through the mill for quite some time. No wonder you’re angry, sometimes the lack of care received is appalling! To have witnessed this must have been very traumatic. I couldn’t even tell you what the palliative care team did for my mum, I saw them once from my recollection, but didn’t seem to do anything.
To have to fight for proper pain relief is disgusting, you just expect that people are going to be well taken care of. I’m sorry to read that your mum wasn’t.
Like you,I got to tell my mum just how much she meant to me and how much I’d miss her.I spent lots of time with her in her final days and I’m grateful that I had that.
Of course you’re not ok, it’s too much to try to contemplate. So overwhelming and raw x

I’m the youngest of 3 I lived the closest I took over dealing with appointments sorting carers etc making phonecalls constantly to was a lot too have to deal with but I felt I owed her to make sure everything ran smoothly but it began taking its toll I put her first before my own family and the guilt was horrendous I wasn’t sleeping for worrying I’d go in the morning to her house when kids went to school and leave about 6 when tea time carers would come I dealt with her medication when she couldn’t when she was constantly in and out of hosp I’d be there when she needed antibiotics for infection I’d be there my dad was exhausted looking after her when I wasn’t there he’s 91 and his mobility isn’t great but he did his best and then we had to sit him down and make sure he understood she wasn’t getting better I think he just couldn’t accept it he still doesn’t fully, it was a lot for us all to have to deal with something we couldn’t accept was happening with no support from McMillan or palliative care think we seen them once at the beginning and was told they don’t do anything until she’s at the 12 weeks left stage, what we didn’t know was that was the stage she was at she just wasn’t physically showing the signs right up untill the end we never thought it would happen so quick she was given 6-12 months at the end of July and past away near end of October I’d like if I said it’s not tough as everyone else’s life carried on through it all I felt mine was put on hold to be there incase she needed me now I don’t know what to do with myself I’ve felt like the carer for so long my relationship with my own children has suffered and now I have to rebuild everything and I just don’t have the energy and not feel I need to keep a check on my dad who is living by himself I carry a lot on my shoulders every day and I although I mum never asked me for anything she was allways independent her whole life I just felt I owed her and let her down and my heart aches for her I cry every night and day for her was a brilliant mum and even greater nan she put everything else before herself my kids adored her spent every minute they could with her now they are only left with memories knowing they will never get to hug her or get kisses off her I just wish I could of swopped places as my girls miss her so much and I feel they loved her more than me as she as she practically helped me raise them to be the girls they are I’m so glad they had that connection with her but so sad it’s now gone.

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I’m so sorry for your and your girls loss. My Mum died on 19th October. I can relate to a lot of how you feel. I too had my daily life round my Mums care as she had a progressive condition which rendered her incapable herself. She’d opted and was advised to move into assisted living which was thankfully still near enough to me because she didn’t have enough from visiting carers that she really needed and she was scared to ask for too much help as she didn’t want to have to move again unless it was to come home with me. I’d already started arranging for that. I have two girls age 14 and 7 and an older boy age 26. My children were all close with my Mum too. I wasn’t with her when she passed away. Was going to be seeing her next day and last person speaking with her that night. Although she’d been bit more unwell her passing was sudden and I’d been prepared for caring for her fully again at home but with us all living together. I had been trying to do that prior to her moving in June last year, and she had some homecare but it needed us to be living together and she didn’t want me and my girls to have to sacrifice more if she had another way. Like you, I was already losing myself and the life with the children anyway, because other care, at her home or in assisted living just wasn’t enough, but I needed to give my Mum that. I have two brothers but they live away and in many ways it has been hard but I don’t regret it, Mum and I were so close. I want to look at it that way. First off I found I needed to separate Mums illness from her to be able to feel I could start to grieve for her with less of the anger I have for her health and the lack of understanding anyone in medical profession who we came up against had about her condition because it’s rare. It was so frustrating having noone who understood, but I did find a support group with other families with loved ones who had Mums condition and it helps to talk to others who really know. My brothers being away and only one who visited her during her illness progressing, even he wasn’t grasping fully the extent to which she was affected. I was closest person and the one who found out most, sat in on every appointment and was there through all my Mums emotions. She told me many times she was sorry she needed me but felt I was the only person really understanding how it was. I told her not to be sorry and I would always be by her side. I hope I was a comfort to her and I know my children will miss her too, but I do think we will go on from here as she would want us to move forward and heal. I hope this is possible for you and your children too, for us all. Its so hard to see straight right now I feel. Just existing is a struggle, but we can try x

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You are indeed carrying a lot on your shoulders, I bet you’re exhausted.there’s no way you should be thinking that your daughters would be better off without you over their Nan, the loss of their Nan sounds devastating and you will help pick up their pieces…they need their mum, and I’ll bet they wouldn’t have preferred to have lost you, they’d be as lost without you as you feel about your mum. I’m sure you’re doing your best for them right now as much as you’re doing it for your dad.you need to give yourself a break

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I’m sure your right my girls love me in their own way and I wouldn’t want them to be going through what I am right now as it’s heartbreaking my girls are what make me get up of a morning and I’d be lost without them they rely on me and yes I was carrying too much on my shoulders but I’d do it all again for more time with my mum

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I know you’d do it again for your mum, it’s so clear from your posts how much love you have for her and how much you’re suffering, it’s so hard I’m broken by losing my mum….I’m eleven weeks in, and I’m sure I’ve barely touched the surface of my grief I’m just trying to take on day at a time, it’s pretty much all we all have isn’t it?

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Yeah I’m 4 weeks in and still in shock I barely sleep and when I do I just relive the nightmare over and over again I wake up knowing I won’t see her again that day and my heart breaks all over again my phone rings and I’m hoping it’s her but know it will never be, I know she wouldn’t want me feeling like this and I know she’s not suffering anymore and towards the end she wasn’t in any pain and she passed peacefully but it doesn’t ease the pain I’m feeling inside and I know people say it will get easier as time goes on and you will learn to adjust your life without her in it but I don’t want to because that’s when I have to fully accept she’s gone and I just can’t. Nothing matters anymore.

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So it’s now mid February and so much time has gone by but it still feels like yesterday that I lost my mum, I miss her every day and still get flashbacks to the day she passed away the last few months have been a rollercoaster of a ride and without my medication I doubt I’d even get through the day I finally got my counselling and I’ve had 4 sessions so far and I’ve also seen a mental health nurse, I’ve not yet gone back to work as I’m not strong enough to face anyone just yet I’m just taking things day by day x

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