Lost my nan

I lost my nan at the beginning of April, I saw her a week before she pasted and altho she was unwell her condition was no worse than she had been for a about a year previously. She was in a nursing home with dementia as well as other medical conditions. Me and my children visited at least one evening a week and she was my everything.
When she died i was on holiday with my husband and kids, my mum decided not to tell me and ruin the last few days of my holiday so i never got to say goodbye, hold her hand, have one last hug or kiss, tell her i love her.
I am full of guilt over not being there when she past, i cry everyday.
I am full of anger, i am angry with myself for going on holiday, angry at my nan for not holding on for 3 more days till i was home and angry at some family members who were with her and didnt deserve to be.
I dont know how i move past the anger and the guilt.
I am sick of people telling me i will be ok or it will get easier, right now i cant see it and to be honest i dont care i just want my nan back

Thanks for listening to me rant

Hello @SadFace ,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling full of guilt and anger and unsure how to move past these feeelings. I’m so sorry to hear about your Nan. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,