Lost my only son at 24 years of age

I’ve lost my son, it’s going to be tomorrow 2 months and I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to live myself without him, it’s always been me and him and I’m finding it really hard. How do you learn how to live without your child? He was my everything. Thank you

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Dear White,

I never lost a living child, and I’m so sorry about your boy. It must be incredibly painful. Maybe survive this two month mark by doing whatever you feel is best for you - whether that’s a blanket day, or thinking of a little ritual to mark the day - it might be lighting a candle, singing a song at his grave, or just whatever you can move through this painful time with. I hope you have support, White, and don’t forget to drop in here if you need to. Are you seeing a counsellor at the moment? A counsellor who knows their stuff with respect to grief and loss may help. And I know there are bereaved parents in this community who will have other suggestions to offer.

Wouldmn’t it be great if there was a blueprint for survival? It’s okay that you don’t know how to survive something so terrible, White - of course you don’t - you will learn that as you do. Please don’t put any pressure on yourself.

Big hugs if okay,

Louise xo

Hi white , so sorry for you , I am in a similar situation ,I lost my son 8 weeks ago in suspicious circumstances . I know the pain is horrendous , I also bought my son up alone i try to think he was a gift if only for a short time. I listen to music constanly to drown out the sadness. I just read a good book about the grieving process especially when you have lost a child . I think the pain is overwhelming, patience is needed to even start to heal its a really slow process, I hope you have support around you, everyone is different but I had my favourite pictures of Luke enlarged on to canvas .

Hi Sansa

thank you so much for you kind response and your lovely words. So sorry for your loss too, this is the most painful time of my life. I too had my son’s pictures made into a canvas and have the house covered with all his pictures. How old was your son? I started reading overcoming grief to see if it helps me to deal with my new way of living, what book did you read? I used to see him every single day and he’s my baby (probably same as yours). I light a candle every day for him and talk to him, sometimes doenst even seem real, feel like I will never be able to be happy again and I know it’s not but feels like the end of the world. I hope too you have the right support around you. Lots of love

Hi Mrs Plummer. Thank you so much for your message, your kind words and advice. I’ve started to seeing a therapist for CBT but not sure if that helps if I’m honest. I’m not really sure how to handle all the questions especially from work people who you might not want to share many things, any suggestions are truly appreciated. It’s really hard to get motivated to do anything and feels like there’s no purpose anymore. Once again thank you for coming back to me and your advice. Lots of love

Hi white thank you for replying, I read the book’ Life after the death of my son ’ by Dennis L Apple its a good read he does refer to religion but mostly its about the process of grieving. Luke was 27 when he died no one informed me for 4 days after , he was living in Bulgaria , he was my world as I am sure your son was. There was a huge amount of red tape just to get him back to the uk but I still think about him every minute of every day. Was the book you read helpful ? I think I will read it. I like to think our loved ones are continuing their journey someplace better. It certainly does make you feel like you have lost all the joy and happiness in life but I am hopeful it will return . Big hug and love.

I’ve been through the same as you , my son Nick was 17 when he died suddenly just over 3 years ago. There’s no easy answer , you just have to grit your teeth and carry-on especially if you have other children . Even if you don’t , you’ll almost certainly have other people around you who love you , and for them as well as you and for your son, who I’m sure would want you to carry on , difficult as it is going to be , you must . Get some counselling , I got mine through st Helens hospice . It helped . Try and stay busy . Talk to your son , if it’s not too painful to do so . I do all the time . Hell always be with you , as Nick will with me. Paul .

Hi both my son’s have died one age 4 the other died 9 months ago he was 28 the day after his birthday…it’s hard to write what way I feel …lost alone empty but I talk to them in my head but please don’t think I’m nuts but I feel as if they are listening my oldest son never left home with out me giving him a kiss he would have turned on his heel and came back in if he forgot to kiss me before he left the house we were very close …I have one photo of him in the dining room cause I can’t bear to look at the photos all the time…I will never stop missing them but I was loved so much and I hold on to that …I know they would want me to ok because I can still feel there love with me

Hi white, I do t know how you live on really but somehow we do. Both my adult sons died a year ago and six years ago. It’s unbearable … I just lurch my way through life but nothing will ever be the same again. It’s a different life … very different. I feel like I’m just existing and my future is gone. Hugs hun x

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Dear White and everyone,
My heart goes out to you. I lost my beloved daughter suddenly in February and am struggling to cope. Every day still is a nightmare but at least I am putting one foot in front if the other.
I love the thought that our children are a gift no matter how long we get to keep them. I find that posting on here is so helpful as people here really do understand. xxx

Hi Victoria … I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter hun. I agree with you …, they were a precious gift to us … mi was lucky enough to have me sons for 33 years abd 36 years. It’s still not long enough but I am grateful for that time … packed with memories and experiences. I think losing our children is so so hard because it’s not the natural order of things is it. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that they would go before me … never. I am just in shock almost I think … it’s like watching a horror film playing over and over. I hope you can take comfort from the memories you had with your daughter hun. Sending you hugs from one mum to another x

Dear Pedro,
Thank you for replying. I can’t tell you how much it means to hear from you. I find that I sometimes feel quite alone as no one else has been through the same terrible loss.
I hope you have a good weekend and you will be in my thoughts … much love xxx

Thank you so much hun … I feel the same … it’s so isolating and awful … like watching ourselves in a horror film. I hope your weekend isn’t too bad hun xx

Hello I wish I had the answers for you but I don’t we lost our son 30th June 2017 he was 36 left the house and never came back,all I will say is you learn to manage the good days and cope with the bad take care.

You’ve summed it up. Biggest problem for me is feeling restless . I can stop it for short periods if I’m doing something that distracts me enough , but you can’t be in 5th gear all the time , it’s exhausting . It’s got easier to manage as time has passed ( just over 3 years in my case ) so that’s something , but it’s always there , never far below the surface . My thoughts are with you . Paul .

Hello White, I’m so sorry. I know the pain you’re feeling, my son died 3 months ago from an accident. It’s a nightmare that we won’t wake from. I’m beginning to think that that is the answer to this. That we have to accept we have to live with this pain until our time is up. There is no cure for this. But strength and support come from others who share this experience. We need to stick together. Thinking of you x

I think that’s right . There is no solution, but like you said, the pain can be made more bearable . We all have different ways of doing that . For me , it’s keeping busy , going on holidays , talking to Nick about my day , things we did, stuff that bothers me . I know he’s around me , not all the time , but I feel his presence and it all helps a bit to ease the pain of loss .

i lost my son Aaron to a car crash he was 24 and died on the 11th august this year I cannot get over the sadness I have and the feelings are all consuming xx

I know exactly how you feel. In a way though I don’t want to get over the sadness because it tells me how much I loved my son. The paralyzing pain now comes in waves. If I’m focused on something I can get through a few hours and then it hits again. Sometimes I find myself asking ‘can this really be true, can my lovely son be gone’. I think we will never get over it, we have to look for a way of living with this awful pain.

Hi Aaron, thank you for responding, so sorry for your loss. my son too died on 15th August, sudden death - it’s heart breaking and it just feels like we have no purpose. I read a book and I speak to him every day, it still feels unreal and when I do think this is real it’s too painful and I just breakdown. It’s a pain like I never experienced before and I just don’t know how to go on without him, most painful time of my life. I hope we somehow learn how to deal with the new way of life. Take good care and again thank you for sharing this with me. xx

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