Lost my partner to suicide

Hi there I lost my soul mate to suiside I am at a complete loss he had problems with drink and depression I helped him as much as I could. On his last eve he was at a friend’s and he wasn’t himself I woke up to messages to what he was going to do and I managed to call him and get through I begged him please not to and that I loved him he just needs help he was angry and put the phone down and that’s the last conversation I had. I’m absolutely heart broken he was my everything I wish I done more to help but he had his own mind and he didn’t want to accept help. We have a little girl together and she asks me to see her daddy but she’s too young to understand he’s not coming back. I miss him so so much I wish I done something more it’s killing me I’m so empty inside :frowning:

Hi Lulu
I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your soulmate. I can’t relate to the suicide bit but I can imagine how you are feeling. I lost my husband to cancer but looked after him 24 /7 at the end. I kept thinking why didn’t I notice things and could I have looked after him better. I blamed myself but now I know I did the best I could. I miss my husband so much and am lost without him in my life. The world seems to have no purpose for me anymore. Your world still has a purpose as you have a little girl who needs her mum still. Have you got family and friends helping to support you?.
From what you’ve said you did as much as anyone could to help him so please don’t blame yourself. Sometimes we can’t do anything else to help because as you said he had his own mind. How long is it since you lost him?.
Keep posting on here. There is alot of lovely people on here at different stages of loss. They are helping me through and I found it helps to talk to people who are going through the same.
If ever you want to talk I am always here
Take care
Emma x

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I lost him just over a week ago it’s so hard cause we would have family days out together and I can’t go to these places as it reminds me too much of him.he had a cocain addiction too and was always paranoid or just angry over little things, he wasn’t always tho and those time were fun and full of love. Every day I wake up now I just feel lost and empty :frowning: I know I have my lil girl and I will do my best by her but it’s just not the same anymore. How could he leave us :frowning: x

Hi Lulu
I lost my husband just over 6 weeks ago and I knew how ill he was. I know he’s gone but have not really fully accepted it yet. I thought I was prepared but nothing can prepare you. On occasions I wake up and forget he’s not there. I start saying something and then all the feelings come flooding back. He will always be with me because he is in my heart and my memories, nobody can take them away. I still talk my day through with him and speak/ reminisce about him often.
This is the same for you. He will always be in your heart and memories. Make sure you talk about him to family and your little girl. That way he will never be forgotten. Also you will always have a piece of him in your little girl. she will resemble him in so many ways you will never lose him.keep trying to remember those memories that are so full of love and fun. These are what will get you through instead of remembering his addiction and paranoia. There’s no way you could have prepared for suicide but it’s in no way your fault. It sounds as if his depression and addiction just overtook rational thinking. I’m sure if he had been thinking clearly he would never choose to leave you and your little girl. How old is your daughter?.
I can tell how much you love him by what you’ve written and know that he loves you and your daughter just as much. I know what you mean about feeling lost and lonely, I feel that way everyday. You can be in a room full of people and feel like nothing else matters.
If you look through some of the other threads you will see you are not on your own on here. We are or have felt the same way at some point and will again. There are so many people on here who will answer and give you advice that may help you through. I can’t explain how I feel to family but everybody on here understands because they are living it. Never feel alone and keep posting.
We are all here to help you through.
Sending love emmax

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My little girl is 3 and she doesn’t understand it’s so sad. I get what u mean though you could be in a room full of people and feel so alone. I miss him so much I hope he’s with me in spirit I know that sounds mad but I just hope now he knows how much I love him were like 2 halfs and I feel like he’s took half of me away with him. We were so immature at times and we got each other’s banter that other people wouldn’t get I had the most fun with him and I’m stuck wondering what to do with myself now he’s gone. Thank you for your messages it means alot x

You never have to thank me or anyone else on here for replying to you. We know how we would feel if nobody replied to us. If we can’t be there for each other at times like this what sort of a world would it be.
I told my husband he had my heart and to keep it safe until I saw him again. So yes he did take some of your heart and he does know how much you love him and always will. Love never dies not even in death.
My husband was 30 years older than me and some people could not understand our relationship. They often referred to me as his daughter and this used to upset Alan at first. I turned it round on people. We always held hands when possible anyway and were forever in each others personal space cuddling into each other. If someone called me his daughter I’d give him a quick kiss and ask him who was going to tell them this time me or him?. This used to make Alan smile because they used to disappear really embarrassed muttering apologies. I always said you won’t be the first or the last. I could have the most fun ever with Alan even when he was poorly on a good day. I could be me around him, no apologizing for who I was and he could be himself. He may have been in his sixties when I met him but he could be the daftest person on this earth. He would make me laugh, put music on and dance round the room usually with the kitchen bin when I refused ( he tried to get me to dance but I was too busy laughing at him). He would come up behind me when I was cooking and just cuddle me. Pretend to trip me up but catch me in his arms every time and give me a kiss and cuddle. When it snowed he used to go to the skylight and put a handful of snow down my back or leaves when we went out walking, not very mature things to do but who cares not me. He loved life and me very much and I loved him very much too.
These are things I miss very much. I have started to listen to his music on his phone now. I’ve only recently been able to start doing that. He had music on most of the time and did daft dances just to hear me laugh and these are the memories I try to remember.
I gave up working to look after Alan and would do so again in a heartbeat. I’m now in the position of needing to find a job but lack the confidence he gave me. I am lost with what to do with my days sometimes but do only what needs doing and what I can manage.
I know Alan’s still with me because I dreamt about him last week. I am making a memory blanket out of his clothes and in this dream he was beside me and told me what colours he wanted in it. He could not have known I was making it unless he’s watching over me. I’d also been considering getting a bird and in the dream he showed me a bird with a red chest and a little girl said daddy Alan said he’s called Jeremy fisher. I never discussed having a bird with Alan only after he died. I also felt as if his arms were around me and so peaceful and he told me everything will be alright. I know that dream might sound daft but it was proof to me that he can hear me when I talk to him.
To remind myself on down days that he’s never gone I had this poem put in his ashes plaque. we used this poem at his funeral.
As long as hearts remember
As long as hearts still care
We do not lose the ones we love
They are with us everywhere
Sending you love and a hug Emma x

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I should point out he lost twin girls when they were only eight so that was the girl in the dream x

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Wow I really believe in all that I would love to have something happen like that oh and by the way she is just a number. I get what you mean like missing their little ways we were so weird by ourselves and stupid but that was us I’m not the same around anyone else we just bounced off each other. It feels like ages ago since I last saw him and it’s only been 10 days. I’m dreading the funeral I know I’m gunna fall apart x

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I meant age is just a number

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I went to see my husband in the chapel of rest about two weeks after he died, lid off. I sat and chatted to him, held his hand and gave him a kiss. I also put him a picture of us together, a letter telling him everything I wanted to say and a red rose in the coffin. He looked so peaceful. Then they sealed the coffin. I was so worried I would fall apart at the funeral the next day but I didn’t. I even stood up and read a poem out for him. I am as shy a person as you can get but I did it for Alan. I pictured Alan beside me telling me how proud he was of me and used that to help me.
You will be able to do it too for your soulmate. I’m sorry i don’t know his name to use it. I never would have thought I had the strength, I was dreading that day but that strength comes to you when you need it most. Are you sorting things out or his family or joint?.
There was only me to sort Alan’s but it kept me going. I’m still sorting things out now. Just remember he will always be with you.
Yes that dream was strange but I took it as a sign he’s looking after me.
Please take care. Sending love Emma x

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I feel so sad for you Lulu, you’ve got an old guy in tears with your post.
Please don’t blame yourself, there was nothing more you could have done, your partner was obviously very troubled. It’s not your fault.
My partner passed away in April after 21 years together, when we met we were both married to other people, her husband committed suicide in front of their teenage daughter and the bullet just missed her when it passed through him.
It was the worst thing he could have done to his family.
I’m not a fan of professional counselors or psychologists but I think you need to talk to someone for you and your daughter, suicide is the worst thing someone can do to someone they are supposed to love.
See your GP or speak to an organisation like the Samaritans for a referral.
Praying for you.

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Thankyou it’s so hard and yes I get times where I’m annoyed with him as he’s left me suffering. He done it 5 mins away from where I live in a small wooded area I don’t know weather to go there or not I was going to this morning and then I just sat and cried in my car and I just couldn’t do it. I’m sorry for your loss. How do you manage or did u after loosing your partner? X

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The short answer Lulu is we don’t manage, any of us, whatever the circumstances of the death. I cried for hours on end, went outside the house and yelled, called God names and dared him to strike me dead with the lightning streaking across the sky one stormy night, I didn’t sleep or eat, I lost weight and started smoking again after quitting for 16 months and like most people felt I was losing my mind.Fortunately I belong to an age group where we are more likely to have lost relatives, my partner’s relatives are all a little older than me and were very supportive, I don’t know what I would have done without them.
Four months on I have rediscovered my faith in God and I have found that in times when I really need a little help he delivers.
I am concerned for you, most of us here were “fortunate” to have lost our loved ones through illness, accident or natural causes, not so many suffer being hurt the way you have been. I fear that feeling annoyed right now will turn to anger, resentment and a lack of trust in anyone because of what he did to you and your daughter. Whether you are aware of it or not you are suffering PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder, which is why I went against my natural instincts and advised to seek professional help. Most of us here are just ordinary folk dealing with bereavement, we aren’t equipped to help out with the rarer kinds of loss.
My partner never forgave her late husband for killing himself, she didn’t want to be buried near him or even in the same town, his daughter got into a lot of trouble with drugs and alcohol but has settled down now.
Please keep posting, talk to anyone you can and please, please don’t be afraid to ask for professional help.
Praying for you.

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I have contacted the lipstick foundation they help people who have lost someone to suiside a lady is going to come and see me tomorrow to see what they can do for me. I don’t feel his family are being very supportive at all I think they think I’m to blame as my partner left a letter in his pocket he told me he would and would tell me how it was my fault. I get so annoyed with him as he’s left me with this pain in my heart and I’m also sad I won’t see him ever again I really tried with him and gave him more chances than he deserved but I loved him and I don’t think he knew how much. I really miss him x

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I’m pleased you’ve contacted someone for help, it’s very early on and you’re going to need a lot of support in the months ahead.
I believe you truly loved your partner in spite of his problems, it’s a quality you ladies have which men aren’t so good at.
His relatives seem less supportive because they feel guilty too. They knew he had mental health issues and either couldn’t or wouldn’t help.
We need to be clear, abusing drugs or alcohol is a mental health problem. I know because I’ve been there. As a young man I drank heavily and got into trouble for it, I was depressed and mentally ill, alcohol like drugs is an attempt to escape the reality of life we can’t deal with.
It was your partner with the serious problems, not you, and you can not be blamed for what he did. It wasn’t your fault.
Please promise yourself, your daughter, me and anyone else reading the thread that you will continue to seek help and guidance.
Keep posting here and let us know how you’re coping. I feel really bad for you, you’re dealing with the worst kind of bereavement and it hasn’t fully hit you yet.
Take care of yourself and your daughter, prayers and good thoughts coming your way.
Carl.

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Dear Lulu,
I am so sorry to read of your loss, it is such a dreadfully sad and difficult way to lose your loved one. I just came across your post which is six months old and am wondering how you are doing now. I hope you are finding ways to cope with your grief and move forwards.

My story is similar to yous, I am a couple of months further down the line but still finding life very difficult. Sadly at such a time when you need friends the most, a lot of them vanish. Such immense grief is difficult to be around I guess.

I hope you are being kind to yourself, these are still very early days. I can relate when you say you wish you had done something more to prevent your partner’s death, but really if you’d had any idea of course you would have done everything in your power, and it still might have happened anyway.

I can see many signs if I look back over the months preceding my partner’s death, he was clearly depressed, he also had a drinking problem, I can’t change it though. All I can do is be more compassionate, try to be the best me. If I can honour him by becoming a better person, it is what he would have wanted.

I wish you all the very best in showing yourself and your daughter that you do have the strength and courage to get through this. Sending you both lots of love xxx

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