Lost my partner

LGBTQ+
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My partner died in a hospice last week, we were together for 27 years, the last 5 shes was battling ovarian cancer. Even though we knew the end was coming i still feel completely shell shocked , numb , angry, and i cant stop crying, i just see my future as one big empty void, i cant imagine ever finding joy in this world again without her, she was such a kind beautiful soul and i loved her so much and she didnt want to leave me, my emotions are all over the place

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Iā€™m so sorry for the loss of your partner, @NikNak2. You are not alone. Many of our members have sadly lost a partner. @mementomori and @Lonelyjohn lost their partners to ovarian cancer and may understand some of what youā€™re going through.

Your loss is very recent and raw, so I wanted to share these links with you to explore, when you feel ready to.

Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief

I hope you find the community to be a good source of support, too.

Take good care and keep reaching out,

Seaneen

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I lost my partner Mal to stomach cancer last August and felt and still feel exactly like you. All the friends who kindly rallied around at the time have, not unexpectedly, had for the most part to drop off to look after their own lives. I think the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that he would have wanted me to look after myself and thatā€™s what you need to do too.
I do think itā€™s a bit harder for us to cope in our community. I havenā€™t really got any close gay friends and that makes me feel doubly alone. Iā€™m just hoping that like everyone says that it gets easier as time goes by. Hang in there and look after yourself.

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Hello @NikNak2 . Your experience sounds very similar to mine. My partner died in a hospice, from ovarian cancer, last week. Iā€™m feeling exactly as you describe - shocked, heartbroken and utterly lost. I also feel very, very anxious and scared at the prospect of the rest of my life without her. Iā€™ve just found this site and would love to hear from others who are on this terrible journey.

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Hi Jane, im so sorry your on this journey, it will be 2 months this week since Pat left me.
Im seeing a Councillor, im not sure if its helping but will carry on with it.
I try to keep myself busy or i get so easily overwhelmed , my life for the last five years has been to care for her, i dont know who i am without her , I cry everyday, and miss her terribly.
I have gone back to work, which is a distraction but my grief is so raw i struggle, i try to suppress it whilst at work but at home my evenings are so lonely.
Im sorry if this is not a very positive post but pleae feel free to vent your frustration and feelings at me, i think its important to have an outlet besides frinds and family x

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Hi @NikNak2, thank you for your reply. Iā€™m so sorry for your loss of Pat.
ā€˜Rawā€™ is such a good word to describe how I feel. Itā€™s as though the top layer of my skin is missing, everything hurts.
Today I have to arrange Karenā€™s funeralā€¦ Iā€™m trying my best to support her daughter through this, as I promised I would, but I feel helpless and overwhelmed.
Please donā€™t apologise for your post not being positive. Itā€™s so good to talk to someone who truly understands.

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Its so hard to support other people when we are so full of our own grief, Im the same with Pats daughters.
I hope you manage the funeral arrangements ok, deep breathes.
Ive joined a facebook group called, Lesbian Grief loss support, Iā€™ve found it quite helpful and they are very supportive, i PM some of them to vent sometimes, its ran by two British ladies but its world wide, it helps to know your not alone x

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Hi NikNak2, so sorry to hear about the loss of your partner. My wife died 3 months ago, and whilst I had very supportive friends around at the time, it seems to have waned now. Everyone just seems to think youā€™ll get on with the rest of your life. Not true! I like you, find the weekends and evenings the most lonely and Iā€™m almost glad to go back to work, just to see and speak to someone. Itā€™s very hard to explain to anyone exactly how youā€™re feeling. Sending positive thoughts your way, Iā€™m sure there is light at the end of the tunnel. It just seems a long journeyā€¦xx

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Hi, sorry to hear of your loss as well, its truly awful road to go down.
Some of my friends have stepped up others have turned away, mostly i think because my grief makes them uncomfortable, and their lives are carrying on and mine is like stuck, which in a way i dont mind because i dont want to leave her behind.
None of them understand how devastating it is and i wouldnā€™t wish it on anyone, they have all waned now though and i have to try and get through the evenings and weekends best i can, usually involves alot of sobbing!
Iā€™ll never get over this, im a different person now, i just hope Iā€™ll eventually be able to live peacefully with my grief x

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Hi Rosiejack
Itā€™s so raw and recent for you but try and follow the old cliches of taking each day as it comes and keep saying to yourself ā€˜how would she have wanted you to act?ā€™ My partner died nearly a year ago and I miss him more than words can say but I still talk out loud to him when Iā€™m alone in the house and I try so hard not to be completely grief stricken because I know he wouldnā€™t have wanted me to suffer like this.
I know what you mean when people say how are you? I want to say ā€˜Iā€™m a mess and what a stupid thing to askā€™ but I realise that they mean well and donā€™t know what else to say. So I just say ā€Iā€™m OKā€¦ well Iā€™m not really but Iā€™m getting thereā€ that seems to satisfy most people.
Just remember to look after yourself, Iā€™m sure that itā€™s what she would have wanted.

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It doesnā€™t sound silly at all. I would do anything to bring back my partner. In a lot of ways she will still be with you so remember that. Donā€™t be afraid to go for counselling if you feel that you need more help. Plus Iā€™m sure that other people will respond eventually on here so itā€™s always worth posting if you feel the need for some guidance or just to clear something off your chest.
Work might actually be good as it may take your mind off things even if only for a short time to start with. So try not to fear it. It was horrible for me because I worked in the same building as my partner so Iā€™ve had a few times were Iā€™ve broken down but you know what my colleagues all know the score and theyā€™ve made allowances so that helps. Before I went back I asked my boss to ask my colleagues and senior mgmt not to ask me how I was because that would probably set me off. So if you can set your own boundaries by talking to your boss then do so.

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Hi, itā€™s now 5 months since i lost my partner of 27 years, ive been having counselling through the hospice, I think it helps, at least i can express some of my darker thoughts in a safe environment.
Its been and is one hell of a journey , ive been through so many emotions, alot off sobbing, ive have friends disappear and new ones arrive, i go out but want to be home, im lonely but dont want company only hers.
Small things trigger big emotions, theres no set rules for grieving, its just such a massive thing to lose your everything.
I found going back to work a distraction, but did ask my boss to request that my colleagues didnt ask how i was. It was bloody hard especially coming home to an empty house, thank god for my dog !
Ive been doing some gardening today walked into the kitchen and ā€œhow long will i love youā€ was playing on the radio, sobbed my heart out, but sometimes the tears just come out of no where.
It really is just getting through each day, i send you a virtual hug x

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Hi just come across your post.
Hope you donā€™t mind me commenting.
I lost my wife a year ago to womb cancer
I have been to counselling and does help alittle bit I had a really bad time to start with and even though Iā€™m still on my antidepressants and still very much have a lot of bad days there have been some good days where I feel my wife is watching over myself and our son, Iā€™d honestly like to say it gets easier fast but it really doesnā€™t it hurts a lot still I miss her so much we was only together 5 years married 11months she was only 36 when she passed away
I still have my wedding ring on canā€™t bring myself to take it off.
My biggest thing was trying to carry on but felt guilty that she wasnā€™t able to so that stopped me my therapist gave me good tips on how I could leave the house without going into a panic attack I take a photo out with me in my pocket or my purse and if it starts getting too much I take myself somewhere quiet take the picture out and sheā€™s there with me keeping me calm.
Hope you find your way tto be able to cope and get through this horrible time

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Hi Littlezoo
Thank-you for your reply , its now 6mts since my partner passed, im still having counselling, i feel i take one step forward and 25 back.
Ive been away for a little holiday with my partners best friend, as she misses her as much as i do, it was bittersweet but i fid enjoy getting away, it was the going home which was hard.
Some days i really have to struggle to find the will to go on but i know how hard she fought to stay alive and know i must try and live my best life to honour her x

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Same here but was told the little steps forward are a good thing i went away to one of our favourite places in Scotland was dreading it without her but once i was half way I thought to myself im not turning around now it was good to just forgot all the emptiness at home but like you once home it kicked in that she wasnā€™t home.
I still have bad days but seems to be getting a few more good days between,
Iā€™m lucky I have all her friends and family and mine that keeps me busy her mum and dad are the best and always here for me and my son in very lucky on what she left me (I would do anything to have her back happy and healthy though ) x

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