Hi guys. This is very new to me as I’m sure it has been to all of you at one stage or another. I am 32 and 10 years ago I lost my mother to cancer. We were very close, it all happened very quickly and I feel like I didn’t grieve properly, I sort of used drugs and alchohol to block out the pain I was feeling at the time. I’m finding each year incredibly difficult without her, 5 years ago my 4 month old son died and I just can’t put into words how painful that was for me. There were circumstances out of my control going on at the time which made his death even more painful. I feel over the past 5 years since his death that I’ve been able to grieve more for my mother as I sorely missed and needed her I felt through my difficult time. I believe I’m started to contemplate ending my life. I’ve really tried to be happy. I’m currently engaged to the love of my life and we have 2 beautiful twins but i feel I’m leading a complete double life as in my own head everyday is just a constant battle of if I want to be here anymore. I just don’t know how to cope.
I’m finding it incredibly difficult to explain into words to her how I’m feeling. I don’t want my burden out on her. I have tried opening up here and there but she doesn’t really understand how I feel and that’s perfectly fine because I don’t expect her to. Yesterday I spoke to a counsellor and we will start having sessions once a week so I’m hoping that helps. From what my counsellor has said yesterday she feels I have a drug and alchohol problem and that I’m an addict. I didn’t use drugs for over a year prior to all these feelings coming back. So I’ve said I’m happy to join NA group and start the 12 step plan but I also wanted to reach out to a grievance group to. I just feel so alone
Hi @Billy1989,
Thank you for bravely starting this thread and for sharing some of your story here. I’m so sorry about your Mother and Son. That is so very hard and such a lot to go through. I was also really sorry to read that you are contemplating ending your life.
I am going to follow-up with an email and some resources and links you might find useful. It’s good that you are seeing a counsellor - I hope you find the sessions helpful.
Please know you do not need to struggle alone, Billy. You have done the right thing by reaching out - you really deserve the right care and support.
Take lots of care,
Megan
Oh Billy you were only a child when you lost the most important person in your life & then not to have her to support you with the loss of your son. I was told about wonderful people compassionate friends & I can say I am managing one day at a time with there support. Sending my love & prayers hope you find the help you need for your lovely twin’s & importantly for you 
