My son aged 32 died of a heroin overdose in February this year. He had been using from the age of 18. I would have dreams of him dying so when he did I just felt numb.
After the initial 2 days of non stop crying I went on auto pilot. I went back to work, arrange his lovely natural burial and dealt with the well wishers of friends and family.
Six months on, I am now crumbling and can’t stop thinking about him, my little boy, my first born. Where did it all go wrong? I am feeling so heartbroken. Friends and family thought I was coping well, too well in fact but I’m not.
I hate feeling like this, so so sad how do you move on from the utter despair?
Dear Sonnypop, I’m so sorry about your boy, all of us feel the same despair and desperation however the loss happened. We lost our daughter with no warning six months ago and still can’t really comprehend, it makes no sense to us. We love them, we try to do our best for them, we worry about them and the universe just throws it back at us.
All I know is, we have no choice but to go on, there are others who need us. All I hope is, that we can one day come out of the first agony to find some balance again. If you haven’t been there, I don’t think you can understand. I didn’t really know, however much I felt for others.
Is there a friend or relative you can talk to? We’ve found help in unexpected places, although some we once thought reliable proved useless. All on here are full of kindness, they know at first hand what this reality is. Perhaps a local group is available in your area or counselling might help you to express your feelings. You sound as if, like us, you’ve suddenly hit the brick wall, the terrible fact that there is no going back, no escape from your loss.
I don’t know if this is likely to be helpful, I just know that we’re not alone in facing this catastrophe. He is your son and you love him, just as we love our daughter, here or not.
I have not lost a child but my heart goes out to you both and my love. I can only imagine your grief. To lose a child even a grown up one must be indescribable.
Sonny, you do move on as difficult as it may seem at this moment. Like in an earthquake you are suffering after shocks. It happens often in bereavement. It did me. I was fine for the first month or so, well as fine as possible in the circumstances. Then, after all the paperwork was done it hit me hard. 10 months later I know there is a light there. Faint but there. I don’t go looking for it because one thing I have learnt is that trying to force recovery and fighting off emotions does no good at all. Time, that passes so slowly, needs to happen. We will never ever forget, but memories can sometimes be helpful rather than painful.
God Bless you both. We never walk alone.
Sonnypop I am so sorry you have lost your precious son. I only have my own experience to go by, which sounds very similar to your own.
At around six months I think the numbness wears off and all of the emotions hit you at once. You realise the finality, unfairness, sadness, pointlessness etc all at once.
The other thing is you are probably exhausted from the 14 years leading up to this. I know I am. Calls in the night, affairs not dealt with meaning constantly sorting out money problems, hospital visits, contantly thinking this it it only to find hope again, then hopes dashed again. Amongst all this we just love them. They are our children. We had such joy in them and then for whatever reason something happened to them that was out of our control.
Grieving is exhausting isn’t it? I am told it becomes a part of you that is mostly manageable eventually. To me I see that point as having tucked my daughter in my heart, forever safe and free of pain, and taking her forward with me. I am not there yet.
We are left here living in a situation we or our children did not ask for and somehow we have to find a way first to function and then to live again.
I find the Compassionate Friends meetings incredibly helpful.
Sending you love and hugs. Xx