2 weeks ago we unexpectedly lost our 15 year old son. He had cerebral palsy and was fully dependant on me and his dad. He went to the drs the day he passed, was given antibiotics for tonsillitis ( always gets it). We put him to bed checked on him a few times but between 10pm and 11pm he sadly passed. I gave cpr but i couldn’t bring him back. All i see is that image in my head of me doign cpr. I wake up every night because i cant unsee that horrible image.
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Hi @Leanne.88 I am so sorry you lost your son, I post on here as I recently lost my wife but 20 years ago we also lost our son, the last images cause a lot of pain but it is you doing your absolute best for the son you love, I didn’t have that opportunity with my son because he died in the early hours and it wasn’t until some 8 hours later my wife found him, when my wife died March this year I was able to do CPR but to no avail, the image is ingrained and the usual questions can arise, could I have done more etc but no we do our best and more at the time, sadly although traumatic the image is your love for your son, you are doing the absolute best you can, try not to dwell on that image, easier said than done but I have learnt that constantly recalling these details does not help, you will not forget so you don’t need to remind yourself.
Keep using this forum if you need to, there are so many people who only want to help, the difference with people on here is that they know what you are going through, so do offload and take care of yourselves.
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I am so sorry, when you have a child of special needs you do tend to blame yourself.But you have done all you can ,and he knows you loved him.
My son was 47 had cerebral palsy on the right side ,moderate learning disability, epilepsy. He was doing so well with the support of Mencap , he had no symptoms until April 2023. He started getting pains in hips and spine , took him to doctor and tried to get physio , they all said muscular . Got him a new mattress ,thinking it might be that.Told there was 3 months waiting for physiotherapist. At the end of April pain was so bad he could not get out of bed with the pain, got him to hospital ,they said secondary bone cancer they could not find primary. He died within 3months 17 th July 2023 In hospital. If you think any of his medication might have caused it, please fill in a yellow card warning on line. But most of all take care of yourself ,it is a very hard time. 
Im not sure how im supposed to go back to work ect. The thought of being so far away from the 2 little ones sends my anxiety through the roof. What if something happens to them. I work in a school and right now i don’t want to look after other peoples children.