Lost my son

I lost my son in September and feel I’ve been coping pretty well, took a week off work then just kept busy, I feel like I’m drowning in my thoughts recently. I haven’t got a good support network, I moved area last July… I just feel like my life is falling apart … I have never taken sick in all my working life and this week have taken two days off and don’t want to go back but know I have to :confused:

Hi there
I am sorry to here about your sad loss , I am in a similar situation only my son drowned 4 years ago.
Keeping busy is always a good idea it stops you from thinking too deeply this is exactly what I do even 4 years on, but for me it’s the quiet times I still get upset and cry most days like bedtime or driving long distance or even just a couple of hours sitting in the garden my thoughts go straight to my son.
You will never forget your son , things will get a little easier and you will learn to cope , I find talking about my son helps me although it’s my friends and family that never mention him , I think they don’t know what to say anymore
My sons passing has changed me I am not the same man I was but I have coped some how and you will too
Don’t be afraid to cry,mention him when you need too
Take care
Kevin

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My heart goes out to you at the loss of your son. My only, lovely son David passed away two years ago this month. No one speaks about him unless I mention it and I was told by a so called friend that after two years I should be over him. Never, he never complained and even the last few weeks of his life he was the same. I miss his zany sense if humour and his quiet unassumed manner. It’s a lot easier now but some days its worse than others. I believe, like other grieving parent have said you learn to live around it but never forget.

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I’m very sad for your lose,we are in the same position we lost our son just over a year ago, this is a club I never wanted to be in I think the only people who understand are the one’s who have been there,we get silly comment’s about moving on and people who simply stop talking to use because they don’t know how to deal with it WELL live our life’s and see how it feels is what I say back to them.

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Thank you Jack for your kind reply and I am truly very sad and sorry for the your loss of your son. The first year, believed
I was in shock and denial, and still expected him to visit (he lived a few miles from me) the second year it hit me hard. I couldn’t bear anything and did a lot of silly things, slowly I am a little better but still feel I could have done more for him. David’s anniversary was the worse day ever. Also, I think if people could walk in our shoes…but don’t wish this hurt on anyone. I sometimes wish I was a grandma (he had no children) and people chat about theirs which is understandable but it hurts. They never think that I would like to join them, living alone makes it harder.
Jan

Hello All

I lost my son 20 months ago, he died of a brain tumour he was 34 the first one they removed but then almost 4 years later it came back in a place they couldn’t operate. I still struggle but then remember how brave Sam was. I had him here at home, he didn’t want to go to a hospital. He was ill really for the last couple of weeks but his sense of humour was unbelievable in the situation. My other son just seemed to shut down he has a young son and twin daughters. But a week or so ago he flared up at me and was dreadful so now he doesn’t speak to me at all. As you said Jack walk in my shoes. I do have a good network of friends that are around me so I am lucky.

The only people who think there is a time limit to grief have never lost a piece of their heart take all the time you need.

I always say love is way too strong a bond to be broken by death. I know I will see Sam again when I close my eyes for the last time.

With love Helen

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Helen belive me we have been through the anger, our other son has said some things that realy hurt us aspecialy his mum, then after a while he told us he had lost his best friend and didn’t know how to deal with it.

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Jack

It’s awful, because you’re not coping either and to see them it just hurts all round, I haven’t heard from my eldest at all and to be honest his wife doesn’t help…but you have no choice but to keep going. I just hope one day he realises.
with love Helen

Thank you all for your kindness… I know it’s not something I will ever get over, but I do have to live with it… one day my son was here next he was gone… no warning no nothing… police knocking on my door to tell me he was dead but no other details… I was just left with that… no support no anything ? I had to contact the police a day later as no one had been in touch, then they did an autopsy but wanted more reports etc etc all the while I’m still waiting for answers… I got them eventually … sleep apnea

How very sad…at least I saw my son for more months but it hurts like I can never explain but sure you can understand on this site. My world dropped out as he was so active and worked so hard as a carpenter 3 months before his death. He loved work and was looking forward to going back as he hated sitting waiting for recovery. He even put a new kitchen in his home. I loved him so very much and miss his zany sense of humour and he never complained, It must have been horrendous for you and I am sure he loved you very much too.

God bless Jan xx

Hi Jan,
We lost our son on the 4th December 2017 his funeral was on the 21st…and though it was our first Christmas without him there is not much I remember about it…so already I am dreading this Christmas coming, we are trying to make it more bearable by going away for the week I just could not stay at home where we had so many happy Christmas’s all together.
I know I am not alone in this grief for their are so many of us Mothers and Fathers on this forum and we are all trying to cope the best as we can without our Son’s and Daughter’s…
Christian had no children and though I have an elder son he has no wish to have children either…and that is one thing I do regret to never be a Grannie…
Anyone who has lost a child, a parent,a husband or wife always think if I had done this or if I had done that…but I think we all realise we did the very best for them and the grief we are feeling is the love for them that we had in life…
With love Marina xx

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Hi Marina , I know exactly how you feel .We lost our lovely daughter Dawn 2016, and life will never be the same, we wanted to bring her home for xmas she so loved xmas, but the undertaker did not advise it as we could not have the dreaded fruneral until dec 28th, why did I not kick up, it haunts me every night befor I go to sleep among every thing else seeing her take her last breath is the worst thing ever . Love to you and all on this deverstating jouney Maddie xxx

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Hello Maddie, Marina and Jan,
Like you all I lost my Sam on the 9th December 2016. We had already had the worst news on the 28th November, so we had Christmas on Monday 5th December with everyone and he eat me out of house and home and although tired on the Tuesday kept going and Wednesday, but he woke up Thursday and started to slip into a coma…I said to him I love you Sam and he said very faintly I love you too. Sam died here at home surrounded by all his family and his very best friend on the Friday at 12 noon. So it’s hard but I knew he would never want to go to a hospice or hospital, so I nursed him I wanted to do the very best I could for him I could always grieve later.

with love Helen

Hello Helen do you think life will ever be the same again , I so admire you as you feel Sam and talk to him all the time , and you seem to get a reply, I talk to Dawn all the time but nothing is coming through,i know thE say look out for the smallest of signs ,but nothing at the moment , I am so desperate to get something as life is so hard at the moment as we are not talking to our one and only daughter , we used to be so close I realy don’t know whwat has happened ,. Its our 50th wedding anniversary in October, so we have booked to go go to the carribean for a week , Dawn would have been horrified to think Sarah has not booked anything for us and not talking to us I think I could cry forever. Sorry to be so depressing , but that’s how I feel . Love Maddie xx

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Hello Maddie,
Like you I have the same problem with my eldest Geraint, he went absolutely crazy shouting and swearing at me and my friend Dee who helps me with the twins on a Thursday, so I have now said I won’t have the twins…Ger has never contacted me since and doesn’t bother, his wife is the same so there is nothing I can do. I suppose I am lucky in that I feel Sam around me, although sometimes I don’t always get a reply. And yes like you it has depressed me and I don’t sleep too well. But I have done nothing wrong I think it is grief with him because he hasn’t grieved properly for Sam. Like you with Dawn Sam would be horrified about Geraint. I will just have to wait and see and that is all you can do…Life…this is the new norm, although I spoke again to the lady at Zumba and she said eventually you learn very slowly to put it in a box and very occasionally lift it down. But it’s too early days for us to do that, but we will.

With love Helen

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Hello to all of us on this site,
Like you all it is a pathway I never thought I would have to walk down. Janine I am so sorry for your loss, please talk out loud about your son to anyone who will listen and that friend who said you should be over it by now!..please she doesn’t have a clue what she is on about and I for one hope she never has but to try and give advice when you have never been through the worst thing that can happen to a mum or a dad…she should know better…I am so lucky I have friends that I can count on 1 hand they have been my friends for the last 33 years and their children went to playschool and school with Sam and Geraint , they have always been there through my divorce initially and then meeting John, they have no problem in talking about Sam because that is what I would want and they know that. Also I have my sister in law who lost her son Ben aged 30 the year before I lost Sam to a football accident. It was in the papers and also on the news. So when she says I know how you feel she really does.

with love Helen

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Hi Ny
The same thing happened to my son, we saw him on the Wednesday he looked well and healthy…when his Father went up to see him on the Monday he was dead, no warning no nothing …they had the autopsy and toxicology report and it was arrhythmia.
I never had the chance to say goodbye or to tell him how much I loved him but hopefully he knew…I just can’t bare to think he was on his own when he died…
Take care …Marina x

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Hi Marina x
Thank for your reply x my son was living with me had been for 2 weeks as he had been beaten up by his neighbours he was a mess, in the time he was with me he said he’d been being bullied and targeted for his money, everything he had set up was gone. He went to stay with his girlfriend the weekend he died… he had lots of new plans … sorry I’ll come back to this x

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I am really sorry to learn of the loss of your son Marina … it must so hard for you to bear especially so close to Christmas. It is very early days for you and the process is difficult to bear…anger I felt was a very hard period but it has passed. only say it has been the worse two years of my life and my heart was and is still broken…Christmas is very hard as everyone seems to have somewhere to go and share it with, like you, I have no grandchildren which is hard and he was my only child, no other family only friends. This year is my third Christmas alone but seems to be a little bit easier now and I do know my David wouldn’t want me to be miserable. These last few weeks I felt a slight shift in my mood as I went back to college and enjoyed it for the first time and I smiled too. You said “we did the best for them and the grief we are feeling is the love for them that we had in life”, thank you that it is very comforting. With love and God bless, Jan x We will never forget our precious gift.

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