Lost my son

Losing a child
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My adult son was found dead. He had been dead a week. I tell myself that its normal not to speak to your adult children daily but feel so guilty. He died the day after he left here, he had been to stay for the weekend.
He was my son and my friend.
I cant see people as I just cry. Two months and all I can do is get up feed the dogs and cats, walk the dogs, get through the day somehow, feed the dogs and cats, walk the dogs and go to bed.
He wouldnt want me to feel like this but I cant help it. I cant cope with the pain.
I cant concentrate on anything, I drink too much to numb the pain.
I dont know how to carry on without him

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Hello @abl,

I can see that you’re new to the community. I hope you find it to be a support to you, but I am so sorry for the loss of your son that brings you here.

You say you cannot cope with the pain. I wanted to share some sources of support that might help you right now.

  • Child Bereavement UK support families with the loss of a child. They also support bereaved children. You can call their helpline on 0800 02 888 40.

  • The Compassionate Friends support families who have lost a child of any age. You can call them on 0345 123 2304

Sue Ryder also has some resources which can help you cope with grief.

You can also have a look at: What’s your grief? Understanding Grief, Alcohol and Your Brain: Understanding Grief, Alcohol and Your Brain - Whats your Grief

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,
Alex

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So sorry for your loss and I hope you will get some comfort for sharing on this site where unfortunately everyone knows how you feel. My son was found dead in his flat in March and I am still crying but not quite so often now. It is good that you have your pets who rely on you, keep you company and make you get out. I completely understand that pain and guilt at not contacting your son, to my sorrow I hadn’t seen my son since January. You are right our sons would not want to see us suffer but we owe it to them to carry on, taking one day at a time. Hugs

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It is even more complicated as Im estranged from my daughter. My son was angry with her for not speaking to me. She didnt speak to him either. He would tell me, its ok mum, its not you, you know what she is like.
I had hoped this would bring us back together but my sons death has made things worse. We did start to talk, but when I tried to express my pain she accused me of lashing out. I got the coroners report which suggests suicide. I called her to talk to her about it, said I was a mess. It was like reading a horror story, reading what his body was like after a week. I started to tell her and asked her to keep it confidential until the inquest. She immediately started shouting at me, telling me how dare I tell her who she could talk to. I tried to explain that the report was confidential and she shouted, Ive lost my brother and I need emotional support. She wouldnt listen, I felt utterly shocked. I hung up. Ive messaged her, emailed her, she wont respond. Instead she went direct to the coroner and got a copy of the report. Ive lost my son, my daughter wont speak to me. Im afraid she is influencing my 18 yr old grandson who I havent seen for months but last night I got a little message from him…he said he loves me.

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Hi @abl . I’m so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately grief brings out all sorts of emotions in people and anger is one. I lost my youngest son in December and his older brother won’t really speak about it and despite living at home I rarely see him.as he prefers to stay in his room. He can be a bit snappy with me if I try and talk to him but I’ve learnt to give him space and time and wait for him to open up to me. Hopefully your daughter will be in touch once she’s had time to process the shock. It’s lovely that your grandson has reached out to you. All I can say is take each day as it comes and take care of yourself. Don’t think too far into the future and as hard as it sounds, try not to worry too much about your daughter. She will reach out when she’s ready. We’re all here for you if you want to talk to someone :heart: XX

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Thank you, I dont hold out much hope for my daughter after the way she shouted at me. Part of me dislikes her for being so cruel. Despite living half an hour away she had only seen her brother 3 times in the last two years. He told me he didnt think she liked him anymore.
I dont want to make this about her, that is what she seems to be doing.

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Can I ask how old your daughter is - do you think she’s lashing out at you because she feels guilty about not keeping in contact with her brother?

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She is 43, she had stopped speaking to me before this happened. My son helped me deal with her rejection, he said thats just how she was. On mothers date she sent me a text saying she “had no interest in a superficial relationship with me”. My son said he was embarrassed for her. Ive heard from his friends and his girlfriend that he had told them he was angry with her. He would hate what is happening now. Im hoping she is feeling remorseful, that would show a positive side to her. If that is so one day she will come back? I mailed her and said I loved her, would never intentionally hurt her, just wanted to know what was wrong but I wasnt prepared to let her shout at me and call me names. no reply

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My heart goes out to you because you are going through enough and you and your daughter should be supporting each other. You have reached out to her and she will hopefully realise how hurtful she is being. She will be no doubt feeding guilty about her relationship with her brother and she can’t go back and change that now.
My youngest brother passed away just over two years ago and my middle brother behaved this way. He wasn’t speaking to the youngest for months before he died and was full of anger towards us all- guilt and remorse. He did apologise eventually but we let him know we were there for him when he was ready before that. He was a similar age to your daughter. Xx

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It’s sad to hear that your daughter’s reactions are adding to your grief and stress. About ten years ago my son and daughter were estranged from each other, it hurt and upset me so much for several years. They did reconcile thank goodness, if they hadn’t I can’t imagine what my daughter would feel like now my son has died . It’s quite likely your daughter is suffering with guilt and is taking it out on you. You have done all you can for now so try to take comfort in the love of your grandson and companionship of your pets.

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