Lost my wife, and feeling angry

I lost my wife Jennifer in March 2018, she was 30 and had bowel cancer. With the 1 year anniverary coming up I feel that my feelings haven’t changed one bit since the day I lost her. I thought I had them under control but recently I’m finding that I’m prone to losing control of my emotions. Can anyone relate? The past year has went by in a complete blur. I can’t seem to shake off the anger that I have. Not towards anyone but for the situation I find myself in and the way that she died - it wasn’t a quick death and having to sit and watch the person you love more than anything deteriorate and slip away in front of your eyes, is at times tearing me apart inside. Most people don’t understand what that’s like so it’s difficult to find someone who you can chat with about it. Then of course when I’m moody and angry I feel guilty because I don’t want to do anything with my little girl. I want to be the best dad I can but there are some days when it is just so difficult.

Hi Andy …I’m so sorry for what I are going through… although my situation is it I completely understand the anger side . My husband died 7 months ago he was 36
…and I get really angry at him …how he has left is behind the message he has left me and my little ones in …at the pain and suffering we are going through…it only takes the smallest things…my Little girl was taken in to hospital this week and o was so angry at being there alone…I ended up in the same hospital that my husband died in and everyone that walked by I was angry with thinking they didn’t do enough for him complete strangers …I get angry at friends for being happy and having a future …and angry that I’m 38 and will be alone for the rest of my life …and then I get angry that I’m angry…and feel guilty. because like u said we have our kids … take care
Love Michelle

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Hi Andy, yes, I can relate to losing control of my emotions and the emotion of anger like you mentioned you are going through too. You are doing the right thing in talking about it to people on this site who understand what you are going through, there will be better days than others no matter how long ago we lost our loved one. Keep talking and opening up, it really helps me being on this site as I do not open up easily and yes it is hard for other people to understand what we have been through and I get exhausted trying to deal with this on my own or put on a brave face to my family and friends and work colleagues etc. One day at a time, you are doing just fine by acknowledging how you are feeling and what you want for your daughter, regards, Wendy

hi Andy im sorry to hear about your wife … i watched my husband deteriorate with motor neurone disease with in 6 months of diagnosis he was completely paralysed and i did everything for him we didnt want carers in at all so i understand where you ate coming from with the anger and disbelief one day you are just about copying next day is unbearable. your wife i am sure would want the best for you and your daughter she will be watching you and guiding you through this. i know that my hisband would know that i would be devastated we had been together along long time i know he would know that i would be crying wvery aingle day without fail becauae he knew how much i loved him i never left his side and i know he wont leave mine x take care of yourself and your beautiful daughter she will want to see daddy smile again xx im hear if you need a chat day or night xx sending love to you both jo xx

So sorry Andy and Michelle to read what you are going through.
This time last year my husband age 63 was admitted to hospital with diabetes complications and never came home - he passed away last September. He suffered a great deal. It is like your loved one is in a battle they cannot win, and you are fighting the battle with them. You are left scarred and a bit broken afterwards - that’s how it feels to me. I know I have often felt anger, often feel emotionally numb, and feel anger often at people who seem to think you can just move on and get back to “normal” after a few months. I think what you are both experiencing is actually understandable and in a range of what so many go through after bereavement. Gradually you will feel the difficult emotions less often, and a new normality gradually and eventually creeps in. Speaking to a counsellor can be very helpful, so I would really urge you to try that if you haven’t already. Just having a kind person listen, sympathise, and feel that you are being heard and that your feelings/experiences are totally valid is a comfort.
I don’t know if this helps - I hope so, and am thinking of you both.
Best wishes and take care.

Hi Andy

I am so sorry for your loss my heart goes out to you and I can’t even imagine what it must be like to lose someone in this way.

I lost my husband in 2003 very suddenly, he was 26 and I too struggled with all these emotions, its ok to feel angry it’s part of the grieving process, it’s natural.

In my experience my son is who got me through and like you some days I just couldn’t be there for him and then felt really guilty, however I soon realised I had a purpose which was a 2 year old boy who needed me and in a way I didn’t want to let my husband down.

Your daughter will give you strength, I really believe that. Things did get easier for me in time not because time is a healer but because I have learnt to live with it.

Look after yourself
Best wishes

Rachel

Hello Andy. My husband died on 20/12/18 after almost six years of fighting Bowel Cancer. I know Exactly how you are feeling about that. I too watched the person I loved most in the world deteriorate, and as the cancer spread in to his bones he lost his strength and mobility. A once fit, active sporty man reduced to shuffling along with a walker at the age of 57. During his final weeks he was unable to walk at all. It was brutal and heartbreaking and so hard to deal with. After he died, to begin with I felt a sense of relief that it was all over for him, and selfishly for myself too, I felt emotionally numb. But now I am starting to cry, I worry that I wasn’t supportive enough to him, although to be honest I was the only one who really did support him. The rest of the family seemed to carry on as though it wasn’t happening.It was a very lonely journey and at times we felt like it was just the two of us facing it together.Now it’s just me! People are so kind but I am the only one who really knows how he suffered and it kills me inside! At the moment i am just desperately sad but I am sure there are a whole range of emotions to come, and I am sure Anger is a perfectly normal one. Your poor wife was so young, that really is so unfair! Treasure your little girl and pour all of your love in to caring for her.That is what your darling wife would be willing you to do. Take Care.

Hi Andy, I can completely relate to you, I lost my fiancee to bowel cancer ( she was 42) I watched her deteriorate for 4 months and nearly die 3 times, in the end when she was told she was terminally ill she only lasted 5 days.

I get your anger, it’s a lot to go through, you were only starting your lives togeather and now it’s gone, no one except those who have gonr through it can relate to it.

I do honestly believe your grief is different to those who have been married for a long time.

If you want to PM me you can.

John

Hello Andy
I visit this site from time to time but don’t often post any comments. But somehow your post really resonated with me. I lost my husband in October 2017 with a brain tumour. Although he was much older than your wife, I still felt incredibly angy and cheated because we’d been married only nine years before this devastating illness took hold. I was angry (and still am) that life dealt us such a terrible blow, that other people (it feels like everyone else) stays married for decades and lives into their 90s. I was angry that it took me so long to find the right person, and then they were snatched away in the most horrific and reductive way possible. I totally get what you say about watching the person you love more than anything deteriorate and slip away before your eyes: I too went through that experience and I still feel as if it destroyed some important part of me that will never be healed. All I can say is that other people, however kind and well-meaning, cannot understand the pain we are going through - you have to have been through it to ‘get it’. You have youth on your side, and you have your daughter. I have a cat that gets me up in the morning. I have to believe, and you have to believe, that one day life will feel worth living again. I don’t feel that yet - it all seems rather pointless, frankly - but I just hope that gradually the anger and pain will subside. I don’t think they will ever go away, but perhaps they won’e be the first thing you think about when you get up in the morning, or the last thing you think about when you go to bed at night. I found reading Robert Peston’s accounts of losing his wife, and carrying on for his sons, and eventually finding love again, both comforting and inspiring. Do Google him and read what he has to say. But please don’t beat yourself up: don’t feel bad about feeling bad, or angry, or moody. Take your time, and try to be kind to yourself. You’ve had the most horrible experience life can offer up - it can only get better. LostSoul xx

Hello Andy
Yes I can relate to your pain
My husband died in April 2018 with Mesothelioma caused by asbestos
So unnecessary as if only our government had banned as quick as other countries my husband would still be here. As like you watching my big healthy husband fade away in front of me and me not being able to do anything to stop it.
I think I am coping then I go into depression and doctor puts me in anti depressants that’s fine but I cannot live on those for the rest of my life
My husband kept telling me to let my life go on and make the most of it. If only I could
Thinking of you all
June E

Hi Andy
I totally understand I lost my wife 28 months ago and my mother 8 weeks after then soon after my father, I just completely lose control of my emotions frequently and I’m not coping at all well in every part of my life. I’m told it will pass but who knows when and if it will, just in the last few weeks I have taken to distracting myself if possible if I catch it in time.
I hope it improves for you quickly, all the best mate. David

Hello Andy-32
I really feel for you and understand where you are coming from!
I lost my husband to lung cancer in October last year and like you I basically had to sit and watch him fade away after him serving 22 years in the armed forces and being so fit it’s just horrendous to be honest I sometimes don’t know where to turn or how to keep going because the grief is still agony it makes me feel ill and weak on bad days and I keep panicking and asking myself if I can do this or wether I would be better off where he is now!!!
He was 62 I am 58 but dosent make it any easier.
My husband died do to negligence so I am fighting another battle now!! It’s just horrendous the pain goes on and on!!!

People tell me to keep strong as it do and will get easier over time but I really can’t cope with it some days either so you are not alone! We all feel exactly the same.

I hope this has helped you a bit.
Take time out for you do what you enjoy doing so that when your daughter needs comforting to you will beable to do things together! Maybe read a book.

I know you are grieving and you do have to how ever long it takes! But you little girl is missing her mum too you are both victims of something really horrendous which is out of your control but at least you still have each other.
I would imagine your daughter needs you more than ever now and when she grows up she will respect and look out for you I bet.

Sending you lots of love and hugs xx

Hello Andy.
I wish I had some meaningful advice but I can’t think of anything. I lost my wife in August last year. She had brain cancer and it was devastating to observe her gradual deterioration. I have four kids, all older than your wife was and I can’t even bear to think of them becoming ill. I wish you strength and lots of whatever else you need to cope.

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