I am reluctantly seeking help as I’m struggling badly but I live alone and relatives of my wife are all I have and they live in England. I live in Scotland. My beautiful girl died in front of me in hospital and nothing makes me happy anymore. I feel like I’m in Hell. The pain is so bad but I numb myself into a robot during the day to function. I can’t feel joy and everything I’ve ever found happiness in brings me pain. Please give some advice on how to navigate this pain… I’m 31 years old and I’m alone
4 Likes
Oh @WhiteWolf I am so sorry you have lost your wife and struggling so much.
Yes the pain is unbearable and it is such early days for you that you will be finding it difficult to comprehend what has happened and deal with all your distress.
I’m sorry I have no magic wand to make this better but perhaps just take things a day at a time. Or an hour.at this point you really just have to try get through the day - nothing will feel good or joyful yet but that will come back in time.
Do you have friends that can support you ? You’re so young so it will be rare to find others your age in the same situation.
Please don’t give up - you are not alone. There are lots Of people here who can offer a listening ear, some good advice or just a spot of kindness.
Look after yourself - sleep and eat when you can. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, and try to just focus on yourself.
Sending a big hug and strength
4 Likes
@WhiteWolf I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and your pain. I hope it will help you to know that you are not alone. We all understand the pain you are feeling. I never knew that such pain existed until my husband passed away.
I don’t think I will ever get over his loss. I am 4 months on and still think about him constantly but it is true that you start to cope better as time goes by.
Be kind to yourself. Accept any kindness from others. Sleep as much as you can . Know that there are people here who understand and care. Sending a hug to you x
3 Likes
@WhiteWolf I am so so sorry for your loss. Whilst Sue Ryder is an exceptional bereavement forum, there is also https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/ which is specifically for younger widowed people. Bereavement forums can be a huge source of comfort, so I urge you to keep posting/reading. You are not alone. Sending you hugs, strength and understanding.
3 Likes
I’m so sorry,you are so young to be dealing with this alone.There’s no magic wand to make this pain go away,but can you try get councelling ask at your gp.You need to talk to people about it and I can’t imagine you have any friends who have been in the same situation.Please look after yourself.
2 Likes
I know it’s almost a sin to think it… But the only thing that brings me joy is her and her not being here makes me feel like I have no reason to exist. Everything feels so futile and pointless. Every single thing is tinged with pain. Not just tinged but barbed. I have to keep going for my pets and a promise I have her but promises are so much easier said than done when it happens. If I was honest and I have been to two friends, they don’t know what to say… I want to believe she is out there somewhere waiting for me. But I haven’t dreamt of her nor have I felt her near. I know she’d let me know if she was. I can’t imagine life anymore without her. I feel like I’m on a torturous waiting list of wanting to die if only to make this stop. I’m really sorry if this is a lot.
1 Like
I hear your pain @WhiteWolf and I understand how it feels to not want to live anymore without your loved one. The pain is so immense and you are not only grieving the loss of her, but of your future together and any and all plans you may have made together.
Please try and find some strength to carry on, perhaps that’s why she made you promise to carry on without her.
Life may feel like it is impossible to bear at the moment but lots of people do manage to get through the initial stages and keep going on through all the heartache and loneliness.
If you need to talk to someone please reach out and if you feel you are not safe then please contact NHS 24 or the Samaritans - they will be able to help you a bit.
There is support for you - you are not alone. Are your friends able to just be with you ? Even if they do t know what to say.
Try and rest when you can, eat when you feel able and just be kind to yourself. It is so raw at the moment, your grief will be filling all your headspace. Try and see if you can distract yourself in some way, even if for a few minutes. And take each day hour or minute at a time.
I’m sorry I don’t have anything to make the pain go away. We all are on this road that we don’t want to be on, and we hurt so much because our love was so great.
Sending some strength and love to you. Xx
1 Like
Hi
I’m so sorry that you have lost your wife. I can feel your pain and my heart goes out to you. Please, please try and look after yourself. You made a promise and I believe, when you can see things a little clearer you will keep it it’s just it’s all so raw right now and absolutely overwhelming. In Scotland there is an organisation SAMH
www.samh.org.uk they offer free, safe and confidential access to qualified mental professionals online. in Glasgow any way but I think it’s all over the Country. Then their is Shout is a phone line that opens at 10pm and goes on all night till 7am. It’s run by the NHS I think it might be . It’s a talking helpline where you can tell them how you are feeling. It’s not like the Samaritans , in my opinion anyway, I think they are more of a listening service. I used that phone line as recently as April so I think it’s still going. . Sue Ryder also offer 6 weeks of free one to one counselling which I found amazingly helpful. She was an Integrator/Person Centered Counsellor , but as your bereavement is still so new you won’t be able to access that for a few months I believe. MIND here in Suffolk offer you up to 20 face to face counselling sessions but they charge£33per session and £22for Concessions. I think you should also speak with your GP. Are there any Bereavement Cafes near you? They are mostly more senior in age than you but in our large group we have 2 young guys a 28 and a 31 year old. Some things to be thing of in time maybe. Right now you are numb. It’s your brains way of looking out for you, as hellish as it is it’s normal I’m afraid and you have to find some coping mechanisms. Keep posting on here as people do understand. We are all in this crappy club that nobody wants to join!
Luv and hugs to you and cuddle those pets tightly. That said tbh honest there were times in the beginning when I forgot to feed my 3 dogs! They forgave me. Because what they offer is unconditional positive love. You could do with lots of that right now.
Take care xx
1 Like
Sorry the phone line is Nat called Shout. I can’t remember what it is called but MIND should be able to give your their number. SHOUT is a 24 hour text service I think for people up to 35. Xx
https://giveusashout.org/ I don’t know where I got the under 35 thing tho!
Xx might be something to do with having no sleep for the last 2 days🤔
@whitewolf I lost my husband on 30th December. I too never dream about him or feel his presence - not once since he died. He had rapid progression Motor Neuron Disease and couldn’t speak for the last year of his life and even though he could communicate via eye gaze it just wasn’t the same. I miss him so much and need to know he is ok. He died in my arms and couldn’t communicate at all at the end. Because I’ve never felt his presence etc I feel that he has left me totally. People don’t understand when I try to tell them this but he always said he would come back and haunt me (in jest) but the fact there is nothing makes it worse. Sorry this isn’t more positive but I totally understand how you feel.
2 Likes
That’s what hurts the most. If she’d just let me know she is somewhere, anywhere… It’d soothe me to know there is something else and I’ll see her again. I’ve been told maybe I’m grieving too much to see the signs etc. but it feels like I’m being lied to and I’m clinging onto any hope she is somewhere I’ll see her again. How do you cope with it? What is the something that makes you carry on when you haven’t felt or seen your beloved?
My wife had COPD and she died in hospital in front of me. The last time I saw her and spoke to her I told her I needed to go home and look after the pets and I’d be back. She looked a little sad. And then the next day came and I never imagined those would be the last words she’d hear from me other than those I told her as she was unconscious and taking her last breaths.
I’m so sorry your husband is gone… I wouldn’t wish these things on anyone now I know what it feels like to lose your love.
3 Likes
@WhiteWolf I am so sorry for your loss and your struggle, I am 3 months without my Chris and I understand and feel everything you have said, we all do, we can all relate because we are going through the same feelings, I too didn’t want to be without him, I couldn’t bare to let go and learn how to exist alone, it took 10 days of utter hopelessness, not eating, not getting out of bed, wanting the world to just stop before I could even think straight, I’m not gonna throw the clichés at you, it’s bloody awful, it’s surreal, it’s strange, it’s a whole new experience, but please value yourself and understand your journey, it will be fraught with heartache for the longest time, nobody can change that, we are all here if you need to vent, I’ve found this group such a help, it’s bizarre how we are all going through such pain, but we can still try and give advice and be there for each other, you are not alone 
3 Likes