My Wife and I got the keys to our new house 14th February 2020 and moved in at the start of March. The country went into lockdown because of the pandemic on 23rd March. I woke to loud bang early morning on 31st March and found my Wife collapsed on the kitchen floor she was rushed to hospital but because of pandemic I was not allowed to go in the ambulance or follow or go to the hospital. At the hospital she tested negative for covid but they found blood clot in her lung and later I was told blood clots in both lungs. The hospital told me she was responding well to treatment and was improving each time I called. Very early morning 2nd April the hospital called telling me to come there right away that the doctors said it was ok to do so. I was told that tragicaly my Wife had passed away she had a massive heart attack cause by pulmonary embolism.
My world collapsed. I suffered traumatic grief with flashbacks, nightmares, uncontrollable bouts of crying, depression and feeling suicidal. I was heartbroken and devasted my Wife and I had a very strong close loving relationship for 12 years. My Wife was never sick she was always fit and healthy, it was a shock to everyone that knew her. I never got any support except from my mother. I got stronger and managed to get a new job. I will never get over the loss of my Wife, I will never be the same man. I was getting stronger but when our wedding anniversary came in November it was a strong enough trigger to make me breakdown and lose control again and I finally tried to get help. The holidays were tough and its be hard going back to work even though I work from home. I was told about this community and thought I better try help myself by talking with others going through this. So that’s why I’m here.
Hi sorry for your loss.
I lost my partner at the end of november last year and am really struggling. Morning and nights are the worse. Finding the empty space in my life unbearable. He was my soulmate. Even crying writing this down.
Hi
I am also sorry for your loss Pauline.
I know the mornings and nights
What I did what I had to do was as soon as I woke I’d get up straight away actually jump out of bed and head directly to my safe room. I call it that because it is a room my wife and I hadn’t gotten around to so there is not much in there. I’d go straight to the window and look out then after few moments open it and stand there a while until I felt ready. People have different safe rooms but it is something to try to give you a moment before facing the day. I found at the start it would take me ages to do the simplest of things and before I knew it it would be lunchtime…that’s very normal
I will be here and listen and try help if I can by sharing what I had to do to cope.
You have done the best thing to get talking with people. I close off and never spoke to anyone for a month just quick word to my Mum to say I was coping but wasn’t and it was wrong thing to do.
I am not qualified but I have been where you are now…our exeperiences will be very different but if I can help in any way I will
Thank you for replying. Sadly I dont have a safe room at the moment as staying with my daughter. I cant bear to be in the house we shared together anymore. It is going to be sold. I have found a new house which is small but big enough for me with a yard to.potter in and put pots of flowers there x I am renting so if it isn’t for me I can move on.
I’m trying to keep busy but my mind wanders. DOD you have trouble sleeping?
Hi GJ68
Must be and have been a terrible shock for you ,my wife dirdc6 months ago and I had the rush into hospital ,then getting better ,then no hope although i did manage 10 days or so with Eileen before she passed ,the awfulness of her passing so quickly for you after probably a lovely start with the new house ,it’s a horrible feeling isn’t it ,all your future hopes with her robbed away ,at least that’s how I feel ,all the best on your journey and hope things start to feel less painful ,it is not as hard as was but still cry buckets at times and would do anything to get her back and also sadly to be with her again which will only upset my daughter and son
Try to be strong but let go when you need to
Steve
I think that is better for you and as you say if it is not for you it is easier to move somewhere else.
My Wife and I picked this house together because it is very close to my parents so we could give care and support to them so I cannot move. It has been very hard to live here but it’s brought comfort too as I still felt close to her. I have big pictures of her up throughout the house and all her belongings are in her wardrobes. I still talk to her everyday and looking at her picture helps. I still put on my wedding ring each day and as I do I give gratitude and thanks to her for loving and caring for me and for everything that made her so wonderful and everything we had together. She was the love of my life, my soulmate and my best friend in life and she is with me every day in my heart, mind, thoughts and prayers. So the house brings me some comfort I feel it’s all I have left. It’s brought me a lot of pain too as everything in it we picked together but we only lived here a month before it happened. I hold on to those precious memories. I know if it was one of our others houses that we shared together for years I would have had to move too just as you have.
My Wife and I met and lived together in Spain for 5 years then Philippines for 5 years before coming home to Scotland were we lived together for 2 years 3 months. So reason I still have all her belongings is because of pandemic I still have to wait to see when I can travel with my sister in law to Philippines.
The garden will do you some good help keep you busy and plenty fresh air. I like looking after all my Wife’s plants it is another thing helps me feel connected. I’d say it is still 50/50 living here in what was our new home. The hard parts toughen me up over time the good parts comfort me and make me in some way connected. I know if I didn’t have this I’d feel I had nothing left and I would completely fall apart. I still haven’t faced organising her things because she was so neat and tidy when I open the wardrobes it’s all so organised but I need to face that soon. I still cannot look through all her photographs as after just twoI burst into tears but I know one day those cherished happy memories will replace all the sadness. I will never get over losing her but know one day I will learn to live again.
Yes even now start of 10 months since, I still have trouble sleeping sometimes. I always think of her each and every day and of course that still brings sadness and sadness at times that’s overwelming. It is hard also that I have no explanation for what happened…I woke one morning to a nightmare and in just a few short dats sge was gone.
Before I was working again it was alright to get up go watch tv or look out the window and try read or if early maybe walk for a while then go back to sleep but working again I have to try to think of nice memories to try sleep back sometimes it works others I am very tired at work. Grief is a journey and it’s bumpy and one you shouldn’t take alone.
For me I have not taken any medicines during this time or to help sleep that just a road I won’t go down that is not for me I’d rather meditate or something and my faith is important for comfort and strength
Part of me wished I had the choice to stay or go but sadly my partner left no will and had no insurance on the house so it has to be sold. I feel like I haven’t had any time to grief as have had to see him pass move out and pack up including his clothes etc in just two months. It all seems so rushed. I feel worthless and pushed out by others and that the 12 years we spent together was nothing. Sometimes I feel cross with him as I know he wouldn’t want this for me but I remember saying to him that he needed to do a will but never doing so.
People say how strong I am but they don’t know how this destroyed me and how often I wish I could join him. Like you I feel like I am. In a daze just functioning, forcing myself to do every day mundane tasks. I am planning to go back to work next month just to bring some normality and routine into my life.
Thank you for listening it is good to talk to someone who knows what I am going through.
Hugs. and one thing I learned is to let go of never. yes its extremely painful and crushing. but you have to choose to survive this. or at least that was how I figure a way thru this. One day after crying all night, and I do mean all damn night, I was in such pain, i thought why live? Then i remember my promises and commitments to myself. I also had cats to care for and 1 has to have insulin shots. I also had family that while distance and not the best family one could hope for, do love me.
I learned to focus on 1 hour at time. I also realize now I should have reached out to hospice and found grief support. I did not want a zoom group, it felt so impersonal. I realize now I should have tried it anyway. Due to lack of money I couldn’t afford professional help. I tell you right now without me actually going on twitter and crying to the world, I would not be here. yep got really close.
but I found free help, and some friends thru twitter go figure, right, they helped me at first thru DM’s and then many said call them, I did. It turns out millions are going thru the same stuff. so seek and ask for help.
So if I can help in anyway ask, I still suffer. every damn day. but I also know she was be mad as hell if I did not carry on.
take care.
Stephen
Thank you for your reply it means a lot to have someone who.knows what you are going through.
Thank you
I am so sorry for your loss my partner died end of August last year of the same thing very sudden he was at home there one minute gone the next so I guess the only comfort it would have been quick and painless but for me the pain goes on but I have had a rollercoaster of grief had counselling with Cruse which really helped and have my memories lots of photos just taking one day at a time it doesn’t get easier just different it was his birthday in October so my friend took me for lunch and we talked about him I have new first’s coming up Valentine’s then my birthday in March take care
Hi I have just got in contact with cruse so hopefully that will help but struggling today more so than normal x
Hi Pauline I feel exactly the same as you it is so hard spending so much time alone .i am here if you need to talk sending hugs