Lost my wife

I lost my wife Debbie unexpectedly 5 months ago and it seems like yesterday met as teenagers got married as teenagers with our first born and told it wouldn’t last 45 years best friends lovers and a couple of arguments we survived and I miss her so terribly much
The pain seems to be getting worse during the day my business keeps me busy but as the nights draw in and I can’t do my garden and I can’t watch the rubbish on telly I go and sit in "“Debs Shed” which was built for her to start doing her painting in again which unfortunately she never set foot in although her pictures and portrait are on the walls.
I read the comments from everyone and I realise we are all in the same boat I miss just sitting and chatting about all the rubbish of the day and holding her hand or stroking her hair. Tears have stopped me now

Yes, Jimnut54, I can sympathise. I’ve recently lost a wife for the second time. My first wife died in 1983 aged 30, left me with four young children. I lost this one 5 weeks ago. Monday would have been our 7th Wedding Anniversary. My Step-Daughter and Sister-in-law cleared all Her stuff out of the bungalow and just left a few “sentimental” bits, which helped no end. We all knew that She would go soon. She was diagnosed with Mesothelioma in November 2015 when they gave Her 2 1/2years maximum. That came and went on 17th May. She had finished with Chemotherapy and was existing on huge doses of Morphine, then suddenly She started to deteriorate quite rapidly and left us quite suddenly. Fortunately Her Sister and I were with Her until the end which was relatively peaceful. She died at the Hospice where She had been going as a Day patient ever since She was diagnosed. She loved the place and all the people there. I now have Her ashes in the Lounge waiting for a time when both Her Children can get up here and they will be scattered on our local beach where we spent countless hundreds of hours walking and sitting in the sunshine I have wonderful memories of our 15 1/2 years together and, like You, I miss Her terribly. I have a picture of Her in every room in the bungalow and talk to them quite regularly and say goodnight to Her every night. Speaking from earlier experience, the grief does “peak and trough” as You are faced with different situations, I’m currently going through the annoying “I’m a Cancer Survivor” adverts on TV which, although it’s nice to see some people beating it, I find most upsetting. One day You will look at Yourself in the mirror and say “Come on lad, it’s time to live again” and You will be able to get on with things. There’s no set time for it, it’s different for everyone, but it will come, and You will be able to remember Her with love and affection instead of sorrow.

LuciferSam49 thanks for your reply it’s hard to comprehend you going through it twice I’m struggling with just the present situation
I have 2 of my sons at home the youngest who works with me is a godsend the oldest came to his mums funeral and looked unwell and we told him to go to the doctor which did was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer and as he was living on his own 80miles away after being dumped by girlfriend we got him home. Luckily he is responding very well to treatment but the ironic thing is if he hadn’t come back for Debs funeral being a bloke by the time he went to the doctors it would have been too late! I’ve got Debs ashes split between her special shed and in the bedroom as it’s lovely to be with her
There so much to say as thoughts keep coming whilst I type away will hopefully speak again
Ps I have noticed there are a lot more posts from bereaved women is it because they can express their feelings better?

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It’s difficult to reply to Your PS without sounding a bit sexist!! Personally, I think that Women are in general more gifted at “chatting” and are less afraid of laying bare their souls, and don’t have the “machismo” image that the majority of men are afraid of losing. It goes way back to when we were “warrior/hunter/gatherers” and couldn’t show “weakness” in the faces of rivals. I think that men are more gifted at hiding their feelings too, which can’t be a good thing.

My wife died 24 days ago and I can’t put in to words how I feel about that. She was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma in June 2014 and I’m grateful that she outlived the median survival rate by an additional 3 years and for most of that time she had a decent quality of life. She spent her last 3 weeks at home after a long spell in hospital and a hospice. I’m grateful for that. I was able to hold her hand as she took her last breaths and talk to her so I’m grateful for that.I think she was comfortable, peaceful and pain free. I’m grateful for that. On the negative side I miss her terribly and I can’t see that getting better anytime soon. I seem to be doing things like an automaton. I don’t seem to register any feelings for things that I used to enjoy. However, if that’s the price I have to pay for 49 years of bliss then so be it. I’m fortunate in that we had 4 childrenand 7 grandchildren and I can see her smile in each of them.

Hi boys lol… I just wanted to say that I think ur incredibly brave coming on here and chatting and laying your soul on the line … yes your right women do open up more and probably is easier for us to talk … but at the end of the day we are all going through the same thing no matter what …your partners wife’s will be so proud of u …I’m 37 and lost my husband 8 weeks ago and this is the only place I can really open up … take care x

I noticed that there are far more posts about people losing a husband, than losing a wife. I am on here looking for support for my dad - he lost his wife (my mum) very suddenly and unexpectedly. I found her - I had to call him. He was on his last trip ever for work and due to retire on the Friday after Mum died. I am not doing so well myself but I am here looking for how to support my dad. I have a sister, and both her and I have boyfriends. My dad has said he is very aware of the fact that us two have ‘a significant other’ and he no longer does. He is not a many of many words - and similarly to your lovely ‘Debs Shed’, we are building the ‘Alice Wing’ onto our house - an extension that Mum designed and was due to begin building works the week after she died. We are going ahead to feel connected to her through that. I work in an interiors shop, my dad is a DIY enthusiast because he is an engineer, and my sister is a chef just like our mum. So we will all be able to play our own parts in contributing to the ‘Alice Wing’ - it’s creation and in the activities we will do together there. I think such projects help - I am glad you have this. I am so sorry that any of us are on this site, looking for help. But you certainly amongst friends here.

The one thing I can see my dad is struggling with is the fact that he and my mum never had the most affectionate relationship - they were best of friends and both very good looking, and especially when my sister and I moved out they became much more flirty again. But they didn’t hold hands much or anything like that and I know my dad has mentioned that he wishes Mum had been more affectionate to him. He’s a soft-hearted man. I just think he regrets not being more emotionally open with her. That breaks my heart for him.
I wonder what would help him. Mum did keep a few sentimental items hidden, like a Valentine’s card from him in her sock drawer, and a little Snoopy book about love that my dad gave her which she kept in the bookshelf reserved for her favourite books. I don’t think he knows they are there. Should I show him? Or let him find them? He probably won’t.

Big hugs to all of you on here, missing your lovely partners.

You can offer Him plenty of support, but, ultimately, He has to find His way through all this Himself. You have Your own life to lead, and obviously couldn’t be there 24/7. That’s when it hits hardest, when all the supporters and sympathisers have gone home and You’re on Your own. It’s then when You realise that You have to keep going for Your own health and sanity. Some don’t make it and go down as statistics, others do and become survivors. I’ve survived once and am working towards my second survival, which I have found not to be easier with past experience!!They say everyone is different, I’m obviously different to ME!! Seriously though, best of luck to both of You, in fact all of You. You can do it!!

Thank you LuciferSam - I think I knew that but I didn’t want to admit it, but needed to - that only my Dad can take himself through the grief he needs to feel - and you’ve helped me admit that which is good.
I am so utterly sorry and angry for your experience of two such tragedies - it is so deeply deeply unfair. I hope you can survive again, in a new way, one day. Best of luck and strength to you.

Thanks for that. I try to tell it as it is!! I’ve found that I want people around me and that almost invariably means people who are feeling sorry for You, Which I didn’t want. I wanted them to tell me to get my chin up and get on with it, You can’t be miserable for ever. Then I think that Dawn (my Wife) wouldn’t want me to be miserable, She worked damn hard as much as She could to make things easier for me. She arranged and paid for Her own funeral well over a year ago, and had all Her valuables earmarked. It was all a big help.

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