Lost my wife

My wife passed away 10 January 24 and I find it so hard to accept that she’s not here anymore. She had a massive stroke in September 2011 so since then we all knew she was on borrowed time. I can’t stop crying and wishing she was here. It is still so raw. Will it get easier ? I miss her so much. She was 57 i am 61 we have no children. I was her main carer and I would do anything to have her back

6 Likes

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is by far one of the hardest things to deal with. My partner died Jan 2023 and in answer to your question, you have a journey to go on but there are brighter days ahead. It’s not going to be easy but take each hour, day as it comes. The future will feel bleak right now but there are better days ahead, if you want them.

Everyone’s journey is unique to them however we have a shared knowledge of how painful this is, how dark the days get, how intrusive the thoughts can be but keep reaching out on here, it’s a good place to start your journey. The support can be a life saver.

5 Likes

I feel the same way about my fiancé. I took care of him. Hes my whole world. And he always will be.

1 Like

Deepest condolences Jasper. You can never really ready yourself to accept that you will never see your loved one again.
I have a picture at the end of our bed of my darling Janet of 32 years who died in January 24. I’m forever blowing her kisses , saying goodnight and looking into her eyes and smile. They will always be in our hearts ,I try to console myself by how much love we had and how lucky we were to find each other. Some people never have that ,but that love we had is why it hurts so much.
I looked after her at home the same as you very tough but it was worth it.
Read what everyone on here as gone through and realise you are not alone in your pain. Take care of yourself , you know that’s what she’d of wanted.

3 Likes

Exactly the same to you Missy. With love

2 Likes

All I do is keep looking up and telling him that he’s going to be proud of me every day and that I’m trying really hard

3 Likes

This is my first message Jasper, my wife died ages 58 in August 2023 after a 28 day illness, I like you have found it tough. What I have found amazing is the connection with other people who are widowed. You can talk to them like nobody else. My tears still flow but it is getting easier which I never thought I would say. I can now go 2-3 weeks then bang the grief hits me again, the strange thing is it’s not the obvious things it’s when you have times alone and time to reflect. Take solace in the fact our experience is not unique it bloody hurts but read these pages because when you read the emotions you are feeling written by someone else suffering it makes things a little easier to understand.

4 Likes

I feel your pain Jasper. I lost my wife not quite 2 weeks ago. She was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago and had a rough time fighting it. It was clear in the last 3 months that this was probably not going to be a fight she could win and after a 2 week stay in a hospice she finally succumbed on 16 March. I am broken and finding it impossible to accept that she’s not here. At the moment the most consoling thing I can think of is to know that I was lucky to have had her. I can honestly say that we loved each other absolutely and were best friends. I’ve lost my best friend, but what a soul she was.

2 Likes

I keep thinking about my sweetheart too. So lucky to have that kind of love

1 Like

Thank you all for your replies, the words will help. The only consoling thing i have is that her heart had given out and that she had had another stroke on the other side and she would have been a vegetable. So she is in no pain now, but the hurt is difficult to deal with, not a moment goes by when I don’t wish she was still here. The hardest part knowing that I won’t see her again. I have her Ashes in the house and speak to her several times a day. I know i can never be happy until I’m with her again. A bit of my heart went with her. I feel the pain of the good people on here that have lost somebody dear to them and I’m glad i joined this group. I lost my parents 40 years ago but this pain is different. I hope for all that it gets easier to deal with. Respect to all of you who have taken the time to respond to me. Stay strong for your loved ones around you.

3 Likes

My wife passed away recently after a four year battle with cancer. As difficult as it was to watch her struggle, this is much worse. Am an emotional wreck, grief, guilt, regret, loneliness are all here. Not wanting to live any longer without her is common, and mine too. Then I think, what would she want for me? She was and remains my best friend, who was the love of my life, who I will miss for the rest of mine.

Sounds like we are all experiencing very similar emotions. For me, during those last 3 months, as I watched her get weaker and weaker, less able to care for herself, and in the last month almost completely bed-bound, I found myself thinking that it would probably be best for her to move on.

But then taking her to the hospice, knowing that she wouldn’t be coming back, and then sitting with her on that Saturday while she died I felt incredible regret and guilt. I felt I had let her down - it’s hard to describe. And now, I just can’t get my head around the fact that she’s gone. She was only 56. Our kids are 23 and 21. This was too soon. we had so much still to do.

And I have to say that the actual moment of death was something that I will never forget - and never get over. I’m glad that I was there - her last act was to open her eyes and look directly at me, but that was an incredibly difficult thing to go through.

So now, the emotional rollercoaster consists of sadness, loneliness, guilt, and anger. I can’t be angry at her but I am angry at the unfairness of it all.

3 Likes

Steenbras I managed to look after my daring Janet at home for the last few weeks of her cancer battle. Just before the end she woke up and said help me Peter , she died not long after that. It will haunt me till my end. But I wouldn’t of wanted not to be there holding her hand and letting her know she wasn’t alone.
Thinking of you

My wife Julie had been in and out of hospital for for about a month, she spent Christmas and the new year in there and came home on the 6 January. We had our Christmas on the 7th, Sunday, because she absolutely loved Christmas, and she passed away on the 10th with me, her mum and her 2 best friends beside her. Like Petelonesomecowboy i was so glad i was there at the end for her, and me. I would give anything to be able to hold her one more time, i miss her so much. We don’t have children so it’s just me here. I feel lonely and broken. Don’t know if it’ll get easier, i break down several times a day. I understand now from this site that I’m not alone. I wish you all lasting peace, and may you find happiness in your memories of your loved one

3 Likes

Hi @Jasper62

I’m Kate, part of the Sue Ryder Online Community team. I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your wife, Julie.

I can see that lots of members have already been along to offer their support, but I also wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

  • Our Grief Guide is a self-help platform which has information, tools, such as an online journal and memory box, as well as advice content to help you cope with your bereavement and grief.

  • Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS

  • Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat

  • Our Bereavement Information pages which can help you to understand much of what you are experiencing.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support, and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone :blue_heart:

Take care,

Kate
Sue Ryder Online Community team

I too lost my wife recently after 9 years of dementia and care home living. She died of a massive stroke in September 2023

I miss her dreadfully even though she never knew me for 4 years as her husband we had some form of relationship when I visited her in the home

I feel so sad that she struggled with dementia and couldn’t talk to me. I agonise over what more I could have done. Could I have been more understanding and sympathetic. I cry when I see the little videos I took of her in the care home - so vulnerable and innocent.

I guess I’ll never really get over it and no one expects any different. When you’ve loved someone for so long the hole left is too be filled in within my remaining years

Sorry for your loss. It must be terrible seeing her getting worse over all those years. We are all struggling along on here. You will get support and have people listen and understand your pain.

Thank you lonesomecowboy

I know thousands are going through grief right now. It’s so hard doing this on your own even when people are around you still feel alone.

You go from busy noisy home to dead quiet. You look around at the things you collected together. Every drive out the passage seat is empty.

2 Likes

Your words are exactly how I feel.
I try to keep myself going by saying to myself the worse thing that could of happened to me was losing my darling Janet. So everything else is nothing to worry about.

I suppose that’s one way of looking at it. I try to do little projects to distract me - decorating a room at the moment - but there’s no one there to say “oh that’s nice”. My wife was the thinker and me the doer. So I miss her support and involvement in the home. Towards the end here she had no interest in anything - just want to escape the house.

So she was placed in a care home, looked after by professionals. She was content as much as she could be with dementia. Then the stroke. Probably for the best rather than lingering on and fading away before my eyes. But we never want people to die and I can’t come to terms with it. I know it’s unrealistic but “why her, why us”

1 Like