I’ve been thinking that although we join here and exchange experiences we really have to do the grieving on our own. There are many similarities with grief…. The longing, loneliness, guilt, what ifs and if only, but in the quiet of the home alone we just long for the unique intimacy of what we had together.
It’s the special expressions and things Bridget did, small things that made up the whole. And trusting each other and being easy together after a long time. That’s what I miss.
Having read your posts and responded to some of them I can see a marked difference in this particular one. What I am reading is a message from someone who is thoughtful but realistic. Dutchman we can’t undo what’s happened but over time we find a kind of acceptance, it doesn’t make it any easier but in our heads the dissaray that was there we start to sort, understand and to an extent deal with. Like me you will have bad days but when they come along go with it, it may last an hour a day or longer but you will know when it starts to subside as your mood will change with it. Hang in there my friend your doing great.
Trevor
On the surface of it, the saying, “Grief is the price of love” sounds wonderful. But when you are so deep in this pain it’s easy to interpret that saying as “grief is the punishment for love”. I hear you @Dutchman. To have your person, who you loved, and who loved you, taken from you and to be left with that void, that loneliness feels unbearable at times.
I don’t know what else to say to you other than, I’m in the same place, too. As are many others here. And all I can do is look to those further ahead in this journey as an indication of how survivable this is.
Trouble with me is that I lurch from just about ok to total sadness. It’s difficult isn’t it @steenbras that which we miss them so much and we know that we have to get through each day with the chance that something, however small, will upset us again.
Sure, we can look to the future in the hope that the heartache will get less, but we do it on our own. I try not to but I find I need to look at her photos, the funeral booklet with the poems and her smiling when she was well. To avoid doing this feels like I’m abandoning her.
Some say why do you torture yourself like this but for me it’s all about remaining connected as best I can. That why I go to her grave and sit there as it’s the closest I can get her.
You’re not torturing yourself. You’re doing what you need to do. I do the same. It hurts but when it hurts she feels closer. I don’t want to forget her or how I felt about her.
It’s interesting what you say @steenbras as I look forward to putting aside a time when I can look at photos, sit quietly and remember her and
be as upset as this all makes me. I need the upset
It’s like that this will bring me closer to her in some way that i let the grief and heartbreak come in. Why would i want the hurt? Exactly what you say, that the hurt is one way of getting closer. And also, it confirms in my mind that here was a woman who I loved and miss so much
It’s a sad fact that the way we are are with the heartbreak, grief in all its ways, the sudden tears and longing, are all because we loved someone so much that we want them back to make our lives whole again.
I feel very much that why wouldn’t I feel so wretched some times? After all, I’ve lost my wife who was my love and companion, I’ve been left on my own, I’m getting over chemotherapy, the days are empty and quiet, and I could go on.
I just want to ask that we recognise that what we’ve gone through and still go through is alien to many couples. We are going through the awfulness of bereavement and it’s normal that we feel so bad. I felt my life was over and what was the point!
So every day is a struggle but it’s obvious why. It can’t be otherwise and for me it helps to know that I’m living inside abnormal circumstances.
I’m so sorry 