Lost now

Hello, my partner Matt died unexpectedly 4 weeks ago tomorrow after being admitted to hospital only 3 weeks before this with pneumonia and a blood clot in his leg and in his lung. After a CT scan he was told, while he was by himself that he had lung cancer. He was in there for a week then home for 10 days. We didn’t live together yet but it was coming and I had moved in to take care of him while he was so poorly. He had to go for a PET scan a few days after he was home and then there was to be a meeting with the consultant in December to discuss his prognosis. He was then going to tell his family, they just thought he had pneumonia, he wanted to know how long he had first. After going for the scan he just deteriorated and ended up back in hospital and they told him again while he was there alone that the cancer had spread already and was terminal. He died 4 days later, it was all so distressing for him, and I’ve been left with a lot of trauma seeing that distress along with the devastation of losing him, and I’m really not sure he got the best of care from the NHS. I had left at 8pm on the night he died, I wish I hadn’t, they called me at 11;15 when I got there he was already gone. I miss him so much, Im on my own with this, the extent of our relationship was not known to his family, only his brother knew that I was with him at the hospital, he had only separated from the mother of his little girl 6 mnths before he met me right slap bang in the middle of a pandemic and he didnt want to lose seeing his daughter. He was my refuge and I was his, we were both alone, now it’s just me. His family wanted me to get my things straight away from the house and give his keys back so they can get on with clearing it, I can’t blame them, they didn’t know me but all his things, I would have liked to have helped with, or just left them as they were for a while. I’m just so overwhelmed by the pain and I feel so lonely with it. I’m supposed to be going away to stay with an old friend and her family for xmas, I would have been spending it with Matt, I can’t even get out of bed at the moment, I can’t think about anything but losing him.


I am so sorry for your loss and the circumstances that seem to be going on around you x

The family seem to have forgotten you too are grieving and so sorry they appear to be not including you (unless I misread the post).

I can totally relate to the not wanting to get out of bed in the morning and every morning I wake up I feel cheated.

I do hope you can honour their passing in a way you know they would approve of x

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Bless you lise
I know what your going though my husband died due to negligence by the NHS I’m got a solicitor looking into it I want justice for Jim.
Sorry for your loss hope things get better for you it’s early days at the moment . Is his family letting you go to funeral ?

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I’m so sorry you are gong through this, you should be very proud of yourself that you helped and supported Matt in his time of need.

I had a meeting with the Big Wigs after my husband died and one of my questions was why did you tell him his prognosis while he was alone? if they had called me I would have been there in 30 minutes ready for the consultant visit so we could have been told together, they said the consultants are busy & haven’t got time to think about that sort of thing, my answer to that was how would you feel if you were told this news alone or your mum was? There was silence & red faces around the table, I hope they.ll change there ways but I doubt it, I also beat myself for a long time that I should have got to the hospital quicker when I had the call to say he had deteriorated, I have since found out after 9pm, patients are checked every 2 hours and if found deceased they ring family & don’t tell them the death has happened until they arrive, knowing that has taken a weight off my mind.

In respect of Matts family there not part of your life so ignore them and give yourself the time to grieve for your enormous loss.

Matt is still with you, you just can’t see him.

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Oh gosh you poor thing I can’t believe your spoken to this way he was your love not just his family’s
Try b3 kind to yourself youv lost your loved one :two_hearts:

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Try asking to sit and talk about how you and Scot felt for each other
I guess a a mom she’s lost part of herself and she didn’t even know on the lung cancer so so sad for all of you I truly feel it for you my hubby died from lung cancer I managed to keep him home the whole time as no chest infection or other infections where he would have needed to go into hospital but I can’t express how much I care and feel for you yes Christmas hearing everyone talking on there family festive gatherings it just makes me feel so alone


Hi Suzanne30, thank you for your reply, I have met his brother since, to let me know what arrangements were being made and to organise me getting my things from the house. They did mention me at the funeral as his good friend who stayed with him in the last few weeks and his mum came up and thanked me for taking care of him.

I wish I didn’t have to wake up at all, it’s so heart wrenching that awful realsation every day isn’t it.

I will do something for him when my mind is clearer, thank you x


Well that sounds something you was appreciated for the care you gave him I guess so many grieving for one person loved by so many
Please remember there isn’t a wrong or right way to grief it’s whatever feels right for you go with your heart not what your told yes I wake every morning crying thoughts why what now how will I ever do this then I could be thinking on something completely different I am overly sensitive so slightest wrong word said to me I am in fluds of tears and I’ll be asked why you crying I just say guess I am silly it’s easiest as if they don5 know then no point trying to explain

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Thank you Misprint, I do have concerns about his treatment and I think I need to talk it through with someone. I’m so sorry about your Jim, I hope you do get justice for him.

Yes the family did invite me to the funeral and I was mentioned as his friend who was with him in the last few weeks of his life, that was ok, I felt like a ghost myself though, not a part of it.

Aw Liss I sincerely feel this for you your intitled to grief and yes his family grieving but surely they should consider what you meant to there child

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Thank you all of you for your replies,

I hope you’re all doing okay today. I called the samaritans this morning, the pain is so unbearable and I keep going over what happened, trying to make sense of it all. His family haven’t asked me anything, I don’t know I should expect them to, their grief is still raw too. I did say to his mum at the funeral that I was there if she needed to ask me anything. I feel so alone with this, they’ve got each other and I’m here without him, I can’t even help with his belongings, I have to let it all go x

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@Lise you took a big step in speaking to the Samaritans…were they able to help at all? I haven’t been braw enough to phone them personally so well done you.
The crushing loneliness and everything reminds me of my mum and all the plans we had for the future is just a void.

I know I’m meant to be trying to give you words of comfort but I don’t have any atm….just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone with your feelings and very proud of you taking the step to talk to someone x

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