Paolla
Thankyou for that lovely message i will take all that onboard 
We had memory bears made out of Scott’s favourite shirt, we have one of them. His nephews have one each which they found very comforting soon after Scott passed ( lovely lady made them quickly to comfort them)
We are going away for a few days, walks, fresh air and i feel close to Scott outside with all the nice spring flowers about. Strange how all the little things bring me comfort. Love to you and your family xx
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I lost my husband to suicide in September last year. He had addiction issues and we were living apart. I had fallen out with him the week leading up to his death. I had blocked him from contacting me on WhatsApp and from phoning me. He had a work phone that he was only given that week so contacted me on that, I think he was on drugs as it was in the middle of the night how much he couldn’t live without me etc etc but I was so mad I sent him back a horrible text telling him to leave me alone. After 9 years of addiction I finally wanted more from my life.
I did apologise later that night, as I was always worried he’d overdose and I’d have to live with the guilt. 4 days later he killed himself, I was speaking to him normally that day about our daughter. The police still have all of his phones. I don’t want to go through any of them. It would bring me only more heartache. I am trying to concentrate on the memories before addiction ruined both of our lives. Once you’ve seen something upsetting, you can’t unsee it if you get what I mean?
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Hi Kat
So sorry that you lost your husband this way. Addictions start to take far more than just money and we make decisions at the time that are right for us to stop the hurt. It sounds from your message that you had been there for him for many years and its okay when any of us decide that’s enough. We asked Scott to move out the summer of 21, as we had years of helping but no real change from him just managing from one day to the next with no plans. I regret very much not discussing things more with him but he always found conversations difficult and they wouldn’t lead to any real changes. I’m sure we will always have far more questions than answers but trying as hard as it is to be in the present.
We have 2 young grandchildren and they are helping us so very much. I hope your daughter gives you much comfort with the love you have for her 
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Hi Kat, so sorry to hear what’s happened. When my daughter died she had serious mental health and drug problems. I agonised about reading her texts and also about whether to go to the Inquest. I think you are right about not being unable unremember upsetting things that will come to light. I found out enough bad things when she died and I decided that she, herself wouldn’t have wanted me to go through her phone when she was alive and doing it now she’s dead wouldn’t help her or me either. At first I thought it was my ‘responsibility and duty’ to see them and face up to whatever they said. I gave it lots of thought and decided I was broken enough and felt like I was drowning in grief and didn’t need to know. It won’t change anything for the better as far as I could see. With the inquest I don’t want to hear things that will haunt me. It’s hard enough to get up off the ground in the earliest days. Losing a child is hugely traumatic and life changing and it’s absolutely overwhelming so I decided to be kind to myself for a change and not look to find more cruel facts about which I can do nothing. I’m not suggesting that this is the right or the wrong way to deal with it but just what I chose to do. Everyone’s different. Sometimes it’s enough to just keep on keeping on. You will get good support and sharing on here. Sending you all caring thoughts.
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Yes that’s exactly how I feel. I just hate drugs and addiction so much. People tell me to remember the him before drugs but it’s so hard as it kind of taints everything.
I feel angry most days lately, angry that he died, angry that he took his own life and has now ruined mine forever, angry that it was all because of drugs!! Mostly I just miss him, he was my go to person despite all our problems. I feel angry that his life was cut so tragically short and he’s not here to see his kids grow up, to see them get married etc.
So yes looking through his phone would only drive me more insane than i already am. I didn’t go to my husbands inquest either. I don’t want to paint a picture of how he was found etc. I know practically everything, down to what he was wearing. I don’t see how it would benefit me in any way.