I feel so lost and alone, the house feels so empty. He was 20 years older than me and I met him when I had just left school. He was my rock, we were together 24/7 in the last few years and I cared for him at home in his final days, thankfully he did not have any pain but was bed bound for the last two weeks. He stopped eating months ago and was like skin over bones, he stopped drinking on Saturday. I never thought he would die so soon, he was always very fit and healthy and looked twenty years younger than he was. I am normally a very organised, laid back person. Tonight is my first night home alone (could not stay the two nights previous) except for our three cats. I am surrounded by all his clothes etc the hospital bed has gone, but everything else is how he left it, his watch on the mantlepiece. I cannot concentrate on anything, walk around with things in my hands without realising, one second feel ok and the next burst into tears for no reason, want to run out and leave everything, scared of the future, he was so macho and strong and because he was older i always relied on his opinion, now I feel rudderless and totally lost, I own the house but I have never spent one night without him, never lived on my own. Don’t know what to do or why I am posting this, I just want him back and for him to put his arms round me and hug me and tell me that he will always be here to sort things out and look after me… Who will do that now?
Dear Kita,
I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I too have lost my wonderful husband who was 23 years older than me. We were married for 32 years, the last 14 of which he had Parkinson’s Disease. He died on 29th March, from a sudden, unexpected problem, in hospital, after 10 days of palliative care. He was my hero, my rock, best friend and wonderful husband. I too had never spent a night on my own in the house, I refused to leave his side and stayed with him 24/7 in hospital and it has been so hard. What I do to cope is to ask myself what he would be saying to me as the days go by. I hear his words in my mind and know that despite him not being along side me physically, he is still so much a part of me, that I can still experience his wisdom and his love.
I understand your pain and I stand alongside you.
Thank you for your reply. I just feel so distraught tonight, never had mood swings like this before. I feel like I am in a bad dream and I am going to wake up and he will still be here. I think because three years ago he was so fit and healthy, then even when he got the cancer it all happened so fast, over the space of two years he went from really fit to in the last two months looking like he had walked out of a concentration camp, plus the fact he had such a good appetite normally and went to loosing all desire for food and water, even though he knew he needed it to stay alive. It made it so difficult watching this man I loved so dying from lack of fluids, getting weaker by the hour and being unable to help him. He lasted four days without any fluid whatsoever entering his mouth, you can imagine how dry his mouth and tongue was even though I tried my best to keep his lips moist. I have never lost anyone close before and I looked after him virtually alone, like you I stayed in hospital with him 24/7 and we never really had friends or family around, we were happy with each other and did not need anyone else, now he is gone I have no one to talk to about all the things we shared, I feel totally lost and just wish I could have stayed with him, I begged him to take me with him on this last journey, I don’t think I can live without him, I know this feeling will pass and I know life will go on but I don’t want it to right now.
So sorry for your loss.We are all here to help and support each other.You can say whatever you want,we all understand. x
Kita, I feel for you. It’s the biggest trauma any of us will ever have to cope with losing someone we love so very much.
Watching your husband die is terrible, I know, I had the same experience as you. My strong fit husband deteriorated into skin and bone and I was helpless to do anything.
First I would say that if you have admin to cope with and find this daunting then contact Age UK, usually based at your local council offices, they might be able to help you. Look up your local hospice who offer group and one to one counselling where you can talk about your beloved husband and what you shared, there might be other things on offer also. There is the Samaritans who you can talk to day and night.
Your in shock, I know but in time things will start to make sense.
Good luck to you
xx
Hi Kita,
I’m so sorry to hear about your partner. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed. I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here.
As Pattidot said, there is a lot of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling. The Samaritans are always there (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org) and you can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.
Sue Ryder also offers online bereavement counselling. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. Find out more and register: https://www.sueryder.org/online-bereavement-counselling
You deserve care and support so please, Kita, get in touch with one of these services. If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
Take care,
Mick
Online Community team