Hello everyone, just found this group today after a very hard emotional day, lost the love of my life on the 4th of December, he was my age 42, died in his sleep, just got coroners report yesterday and he had an undiagnosed heart condition, I’m really struggling without him, he was my whole world and more, love isn’t a big enough word for what he was to me, I kind of feel like even worse now I know the cause and the guilt eats me away thinking was there signs? How did we not know? We didn’t live together so I wasn’t there when he died so that plays massively on my mind, I had an awful feeling that morning that something was wrong and turned out I was correct when I arrived at his, I keep thinking i should of stayed the night before to be with him, I feel like my life is over
Dear Ang5, I am so sorry about your loss. My Philmore died unexpectedly on Valentine’s Day 2023. I gave him my presents and card and three hours later he left me behind in this nightmare. I thought that he had a heart attack because he went so quickly but it was undetected advanced Kidney cancer. My husband was 65 years old and just three weeks from his retirement age. He managed to see a doctor before he died. But although my Philmore lost lots of weight the doctor only said that he really looks ill and it has something to do with my husband’s diabetes and made an appointment for the diabetes clinic for March. We were about 26 years together from which we were 15 years and two months married. It will be one year next month that I lost him and I still cannot believe that my Darling is gone. I blamed myself for not seeing how bad his health was but Philmore did not want to go the A&E or go to a private doctor. I am so sorry that your partner died so young and unexpectedly. Do you have any support? I am still waiting for counseling but there is a long waiting list. I am so glad that I found this forum because it helped me a lot with advice and support. And I am sure that you will find also support here. Sending love and hugs to you.
Hi Ang, I’m so sorry for your loss. My gorgeous Alan passed away just before Christmas with absolutely no warning. My attempt at CPR was hopeless and, although the paramedics got his heart beating it was too late. We were away on a cruise the week before and I have tortured myself trying to replay every moment looking for signs. There really wasn’t any. The coroner has recently said that even if he had been in hospital with a doctor standing next to him the result would have been the same. I still find myself overthinking but I can manage to remember the love and laughter of that last holiday. There will always be ‘what ifs’ but please don’t blame yourself. And use this site ; you’re not alone. Take care xx
Thanks for both replies, when we feeL like this it’s we’re the only ones in the world so I’m always amazed reading others are feeling the same as me, it’s just so life changing and lonely, one minute they’re here and the next gone, no warnings no goodbyes, nothing! I had a dream last night but couldn’t see his face in it, he said sorry, I woke up thinking he’s alive it’s been a joke, then it hit me again, I often wonder if the dreams are them coming to see us or just our brains working overtime 
so been another day spent crying and panicking, the fear of never seeing his face apart from photos, I just don’t know what we done to deserve this
I’m on a waiting list for counselling too, seems to be taking a long time I
Know they’re busy etc, I can’t see how it will help me, I think whatever they’ll say I will be thinking well he’s not coming back 
it’s a very isolating and horrific feeling, this might sound awful too but I don’t find comfort at his grave, I find myself crying hysterically that he’s under the ground, I knew he wanted a burial cos we had spoke of things like that in the past
Oh how sad - (the dream you had) I go to bed every night hoping for a dream where he’s here again because I suppose in a way they are
I completely understand your guilt I feel that too and a few people have said oh I thought he didn’t look very well last time I saw him which makes me feel even worse. He had been under the weather and we put his tired down to post viral fatigue also I have MS so we spent more time focusing on my health so I feel awful about that too feeling like if I hadn’t been so wrapped up in my own problems etc etc
Your husband sounds like mine, putting
Our needs before they’re own, it’s us who are left behind who have the horrible guilt and pain, happens to the wrong people, we used to do everything together, I don’t drive but he did, now I have to walk everywhere and I can just hear him being angry cos he hated me walking places alone in the cold, always put me first, there’s literally nobody who will ever look out for me now and look after me the way he did, I sometimes think did he know how grateful
I was for him, I just love and miss
Him so much, I hope you get a little dream visit, this is only the second time it’s happened to me, weird he’s never off my mind 24/7 and then it’s only happened twice, first time he never spoke, just saw him in a white jumper, second time said sorry, I know he will be angry for leaving me, I cant face work yet knowing he won’t be waiting for me, I couldn’t wait to tell him about my day, it’s really hard when you think of little
Things and can’t wait to tell them and them remember they’re not here, I really hope he’s with me, I haven’t felt anything yet, have you?
I was thinking exactly that today we met when we were 18 married at 20 stayed married for 40 years until he died at 61 I just can’t get my head around it! The maddest thing today I actually thought maybe I could phone him it was just a fleeting thought but I actually thought I know, I’ll phone him maybe I am going mad I talk out loud to him all the time I dread going to bed but I’m desperate to dream about him
It is a long wait for counselling but I chased it up and it helped. I was supposed to have a session on Wednesday but it didnt happen.
I was quite upset really.
But lots things haven’t gone straight forwardly.
Feels worse when you are coping with loss.
I dont seem to be able to get my own health sorted. My husband used go help me and I helped him. Not as much as I wished I had. It is tough all the ifs and buts.
Very exhausting.
Difficult when you feel sick with grief