Lost without him

It’s been 11 weeks since I lost my husband. I still feel in shock. It was totally out of the blue. There was no warning, he had a pulmonary embolism and the paramedics couldn’t save him.
I am exhausted. I hardly sleep. I just go over and over what happened and worry about the things I need to do. I keep very busy all day, I have put in for probate and have dealt with the never ending paper work.
I agree with everyone who asks that I am coping well and that I am fine. I don’t tell them the truth. I cry uncontrollably at night. I am lost and struggling. My life has changed beyond all recognition. Our plans and dreams for our retirement have vanished. I miss him so much. I feel totally lost and alone.
Grieving has taken over my life. I can’t talk or think about anything else. I haven’t been watching the news, I can’t hold a conversation. I feel selfish in that I am thinking about what happened and about myself. I feel jealous of people going about their lives.
I just needed to tell someone.


Hi Sky
I’m so sorry for your loss the pain you are in. Unfortunately everything you are feeling is right. I am just over 23 weeks in from my loss. My lovely husband died in August, also very suddenly within an hour he was gone and every single thing and every single part of me changed forever. He was only 48, I am no 49 and no longer can see past a day. I also had to do the whole probate thing which I did but I am still waiting on insurance companies and his work pension. All you can do is take one moment at a time, do you have support around you? You don’t have to be strong you have suffered a catastrophic loss and most people don’t understand what it feels like. My mind still goes back to that night and I wonder if there was something I could have done. We do have children and I get up each day for them, but the nights are so hard. Have you thought of counselling? I had some with Sue Ryder and found it helpful. Also keep posting, this community has been a godsend. Take care Natasha x


Thank you Natasha, it does help to be reminded that these feelings are normal.

I am older than you ( at 61 now), but still expected to have my husband for many more years, although I am sure everyone feels like that whatever their age.

Our children are all adults and have been a great comfort to me. We support each other. They give me the reason to carry on.

I don’t know why we have to be strong. I don’t feel strong. Someone told me yesterday that I was doing well and I was strong. Why did I agree with them?

Everything seems worse at night. I just wish I could get a nights sleep.

I am sorry that so many people are going through similar heartache.



So sorry for your loss. I’m going through the same too. My beloved Rob died suddenly on 15th December. I’m 69 and he was 75. He was my rock, my soul mate, my love and best friend. He was the most kind and caring man and not a day went past when we didn’t say I love you to each other and there were always plenty of hugs. He didn’t have any life insurance and our finances are in a mess to.add to it all but I feel completely broken. I cry all the time and nights are worse. I have panic attacks as he’s not here and I can’t accept he’s gone forever. I have health issues and can’t drive so feel really isolated. We used to have our special places we drove to and sit in nature which has now gone. We were one heart and one mind and I just don’t see the point in anything now. I have a bereavement lady seeing me to-day and spoke to someone at Cruse but nothing really works as I just want him back. :sob: sending love to you x


Hi Sal3, I am so sorry for you, I feel your pain. I would do anything to have my husband back. I hope the bereavement lady you see today can help you.

I don’t drive either so I understand that you feel isolated.
It is hard to manage on your own when you are used to sharing everything. I am lucky, my children are fabulous. My husband would be so proud of how kind and caring they have been. I hope you have someone to support you.

I am glad we can share our stories here. X


Hi Sky, so sorry for your loss, it will be 6 months in 2 weeks since I lost my Sarah due to a massive heart attack and I feel exactly the same as everyone else on here, she was only 43 and I too am really struggling to hold things together, I have also been through all the financial tasks as we also had our own business so not only did we live together we worked together too, just take one day at a time as I think that is all we can do to be honest, pleases take care, Ant


Hi Ant, I am so sorry. Your wife was so young, you must have been terribly shocked. It’s hard to take it in.

I am lucky to have been married for 38 years. I still feel married now. I don’t really believe what has happened.

Thank you for talking to me.



So sorry for your loss. Me and my Rob played music together for many years and even wrote songs together and also ran our own arts business. We were together 24/7 and I can’t cope at all. He was my rock and soulmate. I feel completely broken and there no longer seems to be a point to anything :cry:

1 Like

Dear Sky

Me and husband were married approaching 39 years - 40th anniversary approaching in March and I only ever see myself as married. As Sal3 has said, one heart and one mind and nothing will ever change that.

I am much further along on this journey but needed to speak to our GP because the health issues are mounting. As is the case now it was a telephone consultation and I just broke down and when he suggested counselling and I told him that I had received this but it had not worked he spent a further 30 minutes on the phone. I explained my husband’s sudden death and my feelings since then - he spoke plainly and told me that life is sh*te, things happen randomly and nothing is predetermined therefore I should not beat myself up about not being able to persuade my husband to give up the motorbike which ultimately led to his death. More importantly he acknowledged how life has changed beyond recognition with our plans and dreams taken away in the blink of an eye and that we have to do what we need to do to get through this rather than what others think we should be doing. His words helped because I am sick of hearing the platitudes. This forum allows us to share our true thoughts because I am sick of friends who are standing with their partners telling me how I can get through this and still fulfil the dreams and plans that me and husband made together when of course that is just impossible.


Hi Sheila, that sounds like good advice from your doctor.

I know what you mean about friends who are standing next to their partner telling you that you can still fulfil those dreams. They mean well, but have no idea. The dreams and plans were for the two of you. Before this happened to me I probably would have said similar things, I didn’t have a clue.

I hope to eventually make some plans (probably not the dreams) for myself. They will obviously have to be different plans. It’s impossible to think what those plans will be at the moment. I might have twenty years without my husband. I know I will have to adjust, I can’t carry on like this. But not yet. At the moment I am coming to realise that what you say is correct, we have to do what we have to to get through this. It is just so hard.

Be kind to yourself, your words have helped me,

Thank you

1 Like

I make very short term plans, and really they are for the children, I try to give them something to look forwards to, just temporarily. I try to plan one small trip a month, the museum, cinema, just a day out, but I cannot see past that for myself. I expected at least another 20 years with my husband, we were together for 31 and that wasn’t even nearly enough, we were still raising our kids (they are 17 and 14), then there would be time for us again. But now once the kids have left to have their own lives, there will be just me. I am grateful I have them to concentrate as I don’t think I would have made it through the last few months otherwise.
I am still not back to work, I guess that will be my next challenge as I know I must go back soon, I just can’t face it, everything is such an effort now xx

1 Like

Hi Natasha, thank you for posting. You made me think. I have started making small plans as well. I have started slowly painting the lounge- something my husband was going to do. It will take me a while but I must be making some steps towards my future independence.

1 Like

Hi Sky,

Like you I lost my husband in October to pulmonary embolism. He went to hospital on 9th October after collapsing at home and his ventilator was turned off on the 10th. I can’t quite believe that I won’t see him again. I’m fine some days and not others and I’ve got family and friends who support me although, sometimes I don’t want to see anyone . The only thing keeping me going is having our dogs to walk and care for. They really mean everything to me and understand when I’m upset. We are both 63 and planning to buy a canal boat to live on for a year. Our gap year.

1 Like

Hi Jan, I am so sorry for your loss. Our circumstances are similar aren’t they. It is incredibly hard to come to terms with, all the shared memories and plans just gone without warning.

Look after yourself, Sky

Hello Sky,
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed way almost 7 years ago, and some days it feels like yesterday. He was so important to me and I loved him so much. It is very important that you do not let anyone tell you that you should just move on with with your life and just get over it. That is what I experienced when my husband died. He passed away from Alzheimer’s Disease. It was very difficult taking care of him and then I was alone in the world when he died. Friends and family say that they understand, but they really do not understand. For instance, one of my family members told me today that it was a waste of time for me to drive to the cemetery where he is buried. She said that he is dead. I was not sure what to make of this comment, but I find it very comforting to visit his grave. Anyway, I went through the same thing that you are doing through when my husband first died. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the world even though if feels like it sometimes. It is important that you grieve because that is the only way that you can heal from the inside. I try to to treat every day like a gift. I have changed the way that I prioritize my life and try to forgive others. I know that this sounds like a clique, but time heals all wounds. I did not believe this when my husband died, but I can honestly say that it is true.

1 Like

Hi Carolarsenault1, thank you so much for your message. It is reassuring to hear that I am not alone.

My husband only died in November, but I already feel like I am expected to be back to normal. How can anything ever be normal again? I was with him for the whole of my adult life. It is going to take some getting used to, him not being here. I miss the simple things. Just going for a walk and chatting none stop, cooking his favourite meals, catching his eye and knowing what he is thinking when we are with other people. I just feel so sad without him.

I have plenty to be grateful for. I am really grateful for the life and love we shared and I am grateful for what he has given me- our children and our home. I know I will be alright and that it should get easier with time.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, it helps. X


Hello Sky,
I am glad that sharing my personal experience helped you to realize that you are not alone. I am 55 years old and I had the same exact feelings when my husband died. I thought that I was supposed to just get back to normal right away. However, I was lucky enough to find a group of people who had recently lost their spouses. After joining the group, I was able to understand that I will never be truly over the death of my husband. It is a part of me that helps to define who I am. There is no greater loss than the death of a husband and a child. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it, but it is important that you take the time to be sad when you need to. Please do not listen to the people who say that moving on is the best thing to do. I did not move out of our home until 3 years after my husband died. Also, I find that writing in a journal can be very therapeutic. Perhaps, you should write your husband a letter to let him know what is going on your life and how you are feeling. I know that this works for me sometimes. Eventually, you will remember the happy memories more than the sad memories. Remember that love is forever and never dies. Also, I just wanted to recommend a movie that helped me to understand grief and how to overcome it. It is called the Shack. This movie is a few years old, but it is very therapeutic for someone who has lost a loved one. Anyway, have a good night and let me know how you are doing.

1 Like

Hello Carolarsenault1
It is so nice to get advice from people who I have never met but seem to understand what I am going through.

I have trouble sleeping so I might try writing to my husband now. I really want to talk to him.

Strangely, I went to church recently and the vicar was talking about this film. I hadn’t heard of it but I am definitely going to give it a go.

Thank you

1 Like

Hello Sky,
I am glad that I could help. I hope that you try to get some sleep. It is not healthy to not sleep and can affect every part of your life. Have a great night.