I lost my amazing husband 3 weeks ago. 5 weeks ago I witnessed him having a cardiac arrest. I tried to resuscitate him before the paramedics took over. He was taken to ICU and started having seizures. Tests confirmed that he had suffered a hypoxic brain injury and I had to say goodbye to him in hospital. He was 51 fit and healthy. Post mortem revealed that he had an enlarged heart which caused the cardiac arrest. This is so true. He would help anybody. Hy own heart is in a million pieces. I feel guilt that I didn’t act quick enough when he collapsed even though everyone says I did everything I could. I feel like I started grieving the first time I saw him in hospital with a tube down his throat when everyone else thought he was going to pull through. I have been keeping busy sorting finances out etc and I have a lot of support but nobody knows how I feel.
Omg I’m so so sorry none of this I’s your fault im still getting flashbacks of my Edward in Critical care where my world stopped that dreaded day I have no words im so sorry for your loss it’s utterly devastating so many more people wiser than me on here Pattidot San W Jianyn Crazy Kate so many people will help you all o can say I these friends are keeping me from joining my Soulmate im so sorry for your loss it’s utterly devastating in my thoughts and prayers take care of yourself as much as possible Adele x
very sorry for the loss of you husband.
im one of many on this site who know a little about how you will be feeling,and the heartache and emotional turmoil you find yourself in.the wishing you could of done something different which may of made for a better out come.please dont feel guilty and
know that you were not at fault.hopefully finding this site will give you some much needed comfort and understanding,you will be struggling to sleep feeling very emotional,please dont hold in the tears,family and friends will at times say things which we cannot compute as if they are insensitive,but like you said they haven’t really got a clue how you are feeling.
you will get quite a few members who will reach out putting their own heart breaking loss to one side and offer you an ear to listen and much needed comfort.
just please know you are not alone,please try your very best to be kind to your self,
and please say what ever you need to or feel you want to,we will not judge we will read and try give you some comfort and empathy.we are here as and when you need us,
there is no time limit on grief take as long as you need.it is a very long road for some and never ending for other we are all very individual and what works for one wont for another,it will take you quite some time to find a way to cope with the pain you are going through.
whether that pain diminishes or we learn to live with the pain ,I cannot say as like ive said we are not walking in your shoes.sorry im going round in circles I just write from my heart and what ever my heart and brain is telling my finger to write.
take care and please if you can read a few posts and many of the members have written about things they do to try ditract them selves or help them find a coping mechanism.whether thats walking ,going to work,having pets ,theres so many things different people do which helps them cope a little better.
your sleeping pattern will be nigh on none existent ,hopefully you have a family member or friend who can offer you some much needed support.
again sorry for droning on,just really letting you know we care.
Oh you poor thing Blue, I am truly sorry for your loss. Please do not feel guilty as you did everything you could. The same thing happened with me - fit and healthy husband had cardiac arrest, CPR, brain damage etc etc. It is utterly devastating. The consultant told me afterwards that home heart attacks have only a 4% survival rate and that CPR is pretty much useless but better than doing nothing. He said that the heart really needs that electric shock to get it going again as in defibrillator. So you see you did do all you could. I so wish our men could have been one of those 4%.
It all happened 3 years ago for me and I am still here. I can smile and laugh and sing and dance again, albeit it with a sadness in my heart. I can know a certain happiness and contentment even though I will never know pure joy again. I miss my man every single minute of every single day but I carry him around in my heart. My love for him continues to grow and I feel blessed to have had him in my life. This will be of no solace to you at the moment Blue, but I want you to know that I understand what you’re going through, I have felt what your feeling right now but above all I need you to know that there is hope, there’s always hope.
This forum has been a wondrous help to me and I hope it will be to you too. Sending love and strength xx
Thank you all for your heartfelt words. The thing that will never leave me is that every time I saw him in hospital he knew I was there in some way. He hated the nurses touching him. Every time they had to attend to him it was setting the seizures off. When I was allowed to touch him(after Covid tests) he seemed to calm down. Myself and his mum were with him when his treatment was withdrawn. The hospital team allowed me to play some music. Just before he passed our special song was playing and a solitary tear fell from his eye. How do you even explain that?
Blue1 I am so so sorry for your loss
I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly on the 4th June 2019 to sudden cardiac arrest
He was just 48
We have a 22 yr old son and a 12yr old daughter
John died at home on a Tuesday night
We had just returned from a lovely week away
We were so so happy together
Our little world was perfect
John was the most perfect husband father and friend
A truly beautiful man taken too soon
I miss him every single moment of every day
Do you have children?
I have a 29 year old son from a previous long term r/ship He is heartbroken. He and my Frankie had a really good relstionship. My two best friends have been there for me since the awful night it happened. Frankie had been out for a walk that day. Hiking was our favourite thing. My friends are organising a walk in his honour. My neighbours have been there for me too. We all became closer during lockdown chatting over the fences. We even all had our own bbqs on VE day I have so much support yet still feel alone
Your post makes me feel so sad. Witnessing your husband’s collapse and his subsequent death is beyond distressing. Until it happens none of us can understand the devastation and confusion it causes.
Nothing at the moment can ease your shock and grief but perhaps my experience of losing my husband might alleviate your guilt.
My husband was 64 and died in front of our younger son (then 27) last November. They had been to an evening football match and had called in to a bar to get a drink and let the traffic subside. My husband was sending me jokey messages on WhatsApp while our son got him a drink. As he returned to the table my husband who was sitting down said he felt dizzy and then collapsed. Our son screamed for help and the doorman started immediate CPR while the onsite defibrillator was activated. A policeman also took over CPR but on arrival at hospital my husband was pronounced dead.
My husband was also found to have an enlarged heart and this had caused a sudden arrythmia leading to cardiac arrest. We only found this out following a hospital post mortem. the coroner refused a post mortem even though he had no knowledge of my husbands medical history (that’s another story). My husband had not been unwell.
My point is that even with immediate help, once a heart has become enlarged and cardiac arrest occurs there is no coming back. Enlargement damages the muscle and renders the effects of CPR useless. You could have done nothing more to save your husband.
It’s impossible to over emphasize the emotional turmoil you are suffering at the moment. Even believing your husband has died will be beyond you at this stage but guilt should not be an added burden.
Although this is the last place you ever imagined being keep messaging and you will gain comfort and support from the many others who have experienced such a traumatic loss. We’re all thinking of you.x
Oh my god your poor son. My heart breaks for him. Is he okay? Myself and Frankie had 12 amazing years together. So many happy times and adventures. He was the perfect husband. We never argued and he always put me first. I am trying to be kind to myself. Thank you for sharing your experience. I am pleased I found this forum
Hi. Blue and welcome. The replies you have had on here should be read over and over. So much grief but so much empathy. Ian has summed it all up in such a kind way, and I go along with his sentiments. You don’t ‘drone on’ Ian, not at all. We do all care and that is the beauty of this site. We all know how you feel because there is no substitute for having experienced the pain of grief.
Three weeks is so little time. Day by day, one day at a time. It will take as long as it takes and you will grieve in your own way and at your own pace. Take care. Good to have you here and we do listen. We are all good listeners, and I have found comfort here. Blessings. John.
Thank you everyone. I know I have a long journey ahead and need to make a new life for myself. Next year is our 10th wedding anniversary. The first important one. I never want to take my rings off. I am dreading sorting his stuff out💙
There is no need to remove your rings ever and certainly no hurry to sort stuff. You are still in the very early stages of grief when disbelief is the overriding state of mind for much of the time. It is a cliché but an hour at a time is the most to cope with at first. None of us know how we got through those first few weeks but we did. Your son and your best friends sound very supportive which is a good starting point. What you can’t tell them you can offload on this site. Snippets of help from individuals combine to make a bigger overall support network which is what we all need. Knowing that what you are feeling is not unusual is of help as are accounts from people further along who can offer hope as well as help.
Thank you for asking after my son. he was off work for two months but is now back working full time from home. His employer was very understanding and that has helped with his physical recovery. To begin with there was little help from the medical profession but he now has a GP who is on his side. My husbands post mortem identified a heart valve condition which can be hereditary and for which both my sons have been recommended for screening. In itself it can lead to an enlarged heart. He is also desperate not to be defined by that awful evening.
Take refuge in your friends and this forum. It will help.xx
Thank you jobar I’m glad your son is doing ok. My son is my absolute world. He has really stepped up for me. My mum in law and I regularly check in on each other. She lost Frankie’s dad 7 years ago and her dog is really old and has cancer. I worry about her. She’s a tough lady but seen a change in her since this happened. She is very private so I know she wouldn’t chat to others xx
Oh yes they do Blue, WE know how you feel, we know the pain and confusion you are going through. Not one of us doesn’t feel an element of guilt that we should or could have handled things differently but we did our best, just as you did.
Breaking into a million pieces is what happens to us and we have to try and slowly put those pieces back together again but don’t be tempted to try and rush through your grief. No right or wrong way, no time limit. Each day will be a challenge and some days will be total rubbish others you might just see that dim light ahead, grab it and hang on.
I can understand what you are saying about grieving when you first saw him in hospital. My husband was diagnosed some years ago and although he went on to live an active life for a time I was grieving inside from the first day. I only understand that now.
Take care of yourself, accept the dark days as well as those with a glimmer of light and god bless.
Thank you Pat. This is why I have reached out. Until it happens nobody has the faintest idea. I am lucky that I have a lot of support. Some are not as fortunate and my heart goes out to them I always knew Frankie was well liked but truly overwhelmed on the day of his funeral when the whole village lined the main road and gave him a round of applause. I was emotional but extremely proud to have this beautiful man as my husband💙
Hi that is truly amazing and very emotional. My pride was at the funeral when we played a CD of him singing with his band. It was his last gig, it was his day.
Wow amazing tribute. You must be very proud. Frankie wrote poetry years ago. One of his poems was published and he was a regular on an online radio show. Talented husband’s we had💙
Hello, so sorry to read your post. There is a whole community here who know exactly how you feel. I would imagine you’re also having to deal with shock as well as loss. The shock hit me about two weeks after I found my wonderful husband dead in bed, he had suffered a heart attack in his sleep, he’d cycled 27k the day before as he did most days, no warning signs whatsoever. When it hit it was like a tsunami hit me and I ended up having an ecg as I thought I was having a heart attack. Dr said it was delayed shock. Nothing can prepare us for this and everything else that follows. We have a choice, sink or swim and I know what my husband would want, we discussed what we wanted for each other when covid hit, we called it our covid conversation. As we all we know, it’s easy to say the words but actually doing it is so much harder. Take care, don’t expect too much of yourself, if you want to spend the day in your PJs do it, do whatever you need to to get through.
Thank you for your kind words. It’s our wedding anniversary tomorrow. I’ve planned on keeping busy all day and having friends round in the evening. Had my counselling assessment earlier so feeling a bit more positive today. You’re right with sink or swim. I don’t want to feel like this for ever. The thought of a new life is daunting but I know Frankie would want me to live my best life💙
I was so sorry and saddened to read your tragic story.
I noticed your comment about not wanting to take your rings off, and that struck a chord with me. The thickness of my fingers seems to have changed in the last few months, to the extent that my signet ring on my right hand was becoming very tight. Even worse, though, I was unable to get my wedding ring on my left hand. I had been planning to get my wedding ring stretched slightly, but was wary because it contains an inscription. After my wife had passed, I so wanted to wear my wedding ring, but I no longer wanted to have it altered. I also tried fitting my wife’s matching wedding ring on a pinky finger, but with no luck. In the end, I decided to put both of our wedding rings on a neck chain which I have worn for several years. I find it comforts me just having the two rings together and so close to me, and I can touch them whenever I want.
I hope your wedding anniversary goes well tomorrow, and remember to keep taking care of yourself.
My very best wishes,