Hello everyone
I am new to the group but I had to join something.
My father died in October last year. I have been totally fine until around April/May when I started to drop. I noticed myself hugging a cushion when I went to bed even though my father was not one for hugs. All I keep feeling is darkness and sadness that I am hoping I am not becoming depressed or something. I live alone which does not make things easier.
I have never been through this before. Friends and other people I know have died but this pain is different and I cannot manage it at all.
I hope there is someone out there who understands because I am totally lost

Hi. Sophie and Welcome. ‘Totally lost’. I doubt there is not anyone on here that has not felt that in the beginning, and although it’s 10 months since your dad died it can still be early days for you. We all cope with this pain in our own way and in our own time.
You will only become depressed if you give up hope. Hope is always there as is the light in the distance. It gets brighter but it takes time and patience. There is no mental pain worse than bereavement. It’s a life trauma and we often suffer from anxiety after. We can stand back and look when it’s not family that we have lost, but the closer you are to someone you love the worse it can be. There is also the possibility of delayed grief. It sometimes happens that after years we can get upset by some happening that reminds us.
There IS someone out there who understands only too well. US!!!
You have come to the right place for advice and maybe a little comfort. Keep posting, and when you feel low talk to us.
Take care. Blessings. John.

Hello Jonathan123

Thank you for your kind reply. I feel better already.

When the darkness comes it’s horrible. I pushed myself to go out to a local park and that really helped. It’s just knowing what to do when it hits you and getting yourself to do it.

Yes Sophie, the will has to be there. It’s so easy to sink into lethargy. In the beginning I felt ‘what’s the point any more’. And ‘knowing what to do’. Oh yes, but how could we when it’s all so new and so painful. People around us who have not experienced this pain may not give us any comfort. They mean well and are kind, but that’s not want we want is it? We want our loved one’s back, and that’s not possible. Learning to live with this ‘new norm’ is possible. It takes time, patience and a lot of willpower, but it can be done. ‘Pushing yourself’ is very important, but take care. If it upsets you overmuch just leave it for another day. That day will come. Mornings and evenings can be bad for some. Being occupied during the day takes the edge off a bit, but the loneliness in the evenings can be painful.
Take care and our thoughts are with you. John.