Hi 
My name is marion I’m the oldest out of 6 siblings . I lost my brother - son may 9th and im not doing so good . I’ve never been on any grieving platform before even tho I have lost my dad my cousin whom was like a big sister to me but this loss is too much . I brought up my brother like a son from the age of 14 I gained guardianship off him . They say he fell off a cliff by accident I don’t accept this as he was petrified of heights
I’m normally the strong one but lately I feel lost I feel angry I get waves 
I cry so much and ask why
My heart can’t take anymore seriously how im I suppose to go on without my baby brother in my life
He wasn’t a baby an adult but to me he was just my kid
I’m struggling today and my family say counselling may help I don’t see how as I can’t get him home 
with me
I feel so alone in this I know im not my daughters are suffering too
I just don’t know how to get myself back
My heart is utterly broken 
feels so heavy I can’t cope I don’t know all the facts
Hi @Marian12,
When a loved one passes, especially someone you were so close to & so recently, it is a very big shock. Take it one day at a time, I can understand this is a very emotional time for you & your family. Sending hugs of support.
@Marian12 i think its harder when you dont really have a clear answer. My sister died in March and we dont have a clear answer as to why. My brother in law is content with not going over and over it but im not.
Its just a nightmare, there’s no easy way to deal with it. But ive found this platform really helpful and sue ryder also do text message support which ive found really help too.
Keep talking. I think im finding out the hard way how important that can be.
I know exactly how you feel. I just cant get ised to that pain daily when wake up and i know i cant see or speak to them.
Hi and thank you for the replies . Since my last post I’ve since gained a lawyer and we have a meeting with the Pf and the liaison officer .he was seen on cctv by someone’s door bell and also on an electric scooter his jacket was off before he went over so I know he was in a confrontation the only reason his jacket could be off as you don’t take your jacket off before you have an accident . Apparently the woman he was with hid his mobile in her house hence why we couldn’t get him on the mobile a lot has come to light we know she was there but no idea off the other two . I do keep fighting back for answers as I can’t seem to let this go . I’m no longer breaking but I’ve been shutting myself away from everyone as everything is about Xmas and as much as he and I loved Xmas I just can’t do this without him with me I just feel so lost and sad today I cry but I don’t know how to fix myself i was good at fixing others probably due to once being a support worker.to be honest I didn’t know about grief but I do now some days I feel I can’t go on but those are my selfish days . My daughter asked me up yesterday she wanted me to help put the tree up with her and my grandson I got dressed then I just stopped I couldn’t do this I felt so bad for her and my grandson I thought I can’t break down in front of them and spoil there lovely evening .andrew was a massive part off my life we did a lot together and he loved being around as he called my daughters his sisters and the kids he was so much fun and like a big kid himself . I’m so used to his calls picking him up always having him around
Me .lately I’ve realised I’m never going to get his calls this word grief is taking everything from me I just feel so alone my partner is often at work I don’t really discuss andrew with him ,my ex helped me raise him knows more about Andrew yet he has been there for his elderly dad whom just past away funeral was 2 days ago I did go and I feel this just brought me right back to Andrew’s funeral same humanist who is lovely . Does this ever get better 
the spark in me has gone I have Andrew home but not in the way I would want I light a candle for him everyday . And still say WHY !! I have empathy for everyone that’s lost a loved one . I don’t even know if I will ever find the truth I seek and if I don’t how can I move on I’m in bed not wishing to do anything but something inside is saying get up and I do feel this strongly maybe Andrew telling me too . The not knowing is torcher . I don’t know if I make sense to anyone . Just wish god would take this pain away they say this pain is the price you pay for loving someone to much feels more like a punishment. I will do Xmas as I won’t let my grandchildren down seems the grandkids lift me up more than anything. Still I can’t put the tree up this year and knowing this will be our first year without him . I found vidoes off him doing his secret Santa everyone laughing including Andrew . My heart goes out to you all during this festive time without the ones you love 
I’m to aware how difficult and painful this is for everyone . God bless x and thank you so much for not making me feel I’m alone in my own grief .
Thank you
You are correct as I can’t talk about Andrew with anyone else as there all going through there own grief one daughter especially whom was so close to him she has been taking this badly her GP mentioned cruse a centre for losing a loved one I think this might help her for me it’s not the time as the investigation is still on going and I now have a lawyer and we have a meeting with the Pf . I do apologise as I’ve not been on due to family matters my kids lost there granda 5 days ago this year has been rough . For me I do find talking on here helpful those that know me and Andrew understand the relationship yes I never gave birth to him but I always had him then permanently from aged 13 trying to guide him and be a parent as well as a sister losing not just a brother to me but a son I loved so so much . I’m angry with the system I’m angry with myself and I’m blaming myself what if I hadn’t gone to Australia to see to our other brother I was away to long Andrew needed me and I wasn’t here so many what ifs I know this won’t bring him back but if only I could see him for one more day . I’m trying tho I really am then you get days you don’t want to see anyone just to be left alone some days are ok but when those waves hit you it’s like I can’t breathe . Thank you for taking your time to reply to me an truly sorry for your loss too
Life can be so unkind . I wish this pain would go away for us all the price we pay for loving 
is by far the highest.