Hi all I’ve just joined this group with the hope to find some direction. I’ll start by telling my story. I lost my vibrant, most caring, wonderful wife and very best friend on July 18th 2022 to a very aggressive form of cancer. She was diagnosed with it in March of that year and we lost her within 6 months , she was 55 ,and I have woke up every morning since like my heart has been ripped from my chest with only the hope that I get used to it … We did everything together, walking, cycling, music events , the lot , in 32 yrs of marriage we did very little on our own , that was how we liked it , it just worked, don’t get me wrong we weren’t perfect , we argued and didn’t always see eye to eye , but I miss those times as much as the goods times, what I would do to see her frown when ever I wound her up … Anyway I miss her soooo much and feel lost without her … We had a great circle of friends and socialised regularly, nights out , weekends and holidays etc ,but I find it so difficult to be in their company now , it just brings back memories , which can be nice but its these memories that tear me apart. They all tell me I’m doing great and offer support, but I can tell with some that they find it awkward being in my company, which I get totally, it can be difficult knowing what to say … I’m pushing myself to do things on my own , but find it difficult going in to places by myself, and perhaps having a meal in a pub for one , I feel like I stand out like a sore thumb… I have come to the conclusion this is how it is and I just have to get use to it , but sometimes I just wonder around my house asking myself what do I do … That will do for now , anyone with similar thoughts , feelings or advice I’m hoping may give me some direction 
Hello Barney34
I am sorry to hear about your struggle. I do not think I can be of much help, but I can understand how you feel to an extent when you say you ‘stand out like a sore thumb’, although my situation is different. I am an Asian, a foreigner here, and my elderly husband protected me a lot. Now he is gone and I have no protection from him, and instead, I have to protect our children and me by myself alone. To old frends of my husband, I am a poor Asian widow of their old friend, although they are kind to me. And I am the same age as your lovely wife. I know physical exercise is good for mental health too, and so I am going to re-start my exercise classes next week. I am trying to make a plan and do something I personally enjoy - going to the cinema or theatre, having a short trip, perhaps alone. I can always talk to my husband in mind without having to talk to someone else.
By the way, you can watch some of these videos, if you have not come across. The host talks about his own experiences. There mighe be something you can pick up, I am not sure. I found some of the video clips helpful.
http://www.youtube.com/@Griefjourney
Take care. Hugs xx
Hello @Barney34 - thank you for posting - you are sharing so much of what and how so many of us feel. Losing our partner is losing ourself, it is hard, it is painful and it is so, so lonely.
I am in over 2.5 years in now - my darling Tom died of cancer in January 2022. For a very long time, I was flattened by it, broken and bruised so much that every movement hurt. I want to share with you that it does get better. It does get easier. Our routines do get back into a rhythm that works and our hearts heal - sure with scar tissue and they aren’t the same but they heal, they beat on.
From feeling total devastation and despair, I now have hope. I see the way through. I take joy in simple pleasures and am slowly building a new life for myself - with friends old and new. Sure - it is difficult and goodness knows I know that “out of sorts” feeling when out with other people, particularly those in couples - the blissful ignorant, eh?
But, Spring '23, I felt ready for, and am now in, a whole new relationship. He is a widower so he knows the score and we share so much even though we are still in the early days of being together.
Please take heart, my friend, that you are doing well, you are doing all the right things and that it will get better. The way forward will emerge for you as it did, gradually, for me, too.
Hold tight, keep going - your friends on here are right with you. We understand and we have got you x