I lost my wife 10 months ago. I started seeing an unpaid bereavement officer from a local charity for the last 5 months. She is leaving her role. The problem is I fell in love with her at first sight. I didn’t tell her, I carried on but
My love grew. She was great and felt like I have turned my life around. I wanted to put all this in a thank you letter when I see her for the last time. Should I do this, as we will nonger be in a working relationship? I have left the letter open at the end for her to contact me as I will not be able to contact her. This has made me nervous and unsettled, but I do believe I’m getting stronger day by say. What should I do?
Does she even know how you feel. You may be confused in your feelings due to your loss. was she treating you professionally. Go carefully and consider what you say. Maybe say how much she has helped you and leave a contact number so that in time she can contact you If she wishes. Take care xx
2 Likes
Thank you. No she doesn’t know, I should have told her along the way. I know there are professional boundaries. I know it’s only been 10 months since my wife died. I guess it’s because I love this therapist so much, I don’t want to hurt her. Age difference 20+ years,does bother me. I did look at mixed emotions, I looked at all excuses and it is true love. However, today on my run went to my wife’s grave to ask her. I think I got the answer. It will still be a letter but the I love bits taken out. At the end of the day, she was very good at her job. My letter would consist of how amazing, dedicated, professional she is. I feel I’ve got to let her go, as I can’t risk upsetting. Yesterday my vicar said send the letter, you will be wondering for next 20 years. But I’m not one to be bold. I would be devestated if I upset her. Life certainly is crap.
2 Likes
She was employed by a charity to see bereavement people. I think the contract up soon. She is qualified.
1 Like
I agree with nel -
I’d start with friendship, getting to know each other away from the counselling sessions.
G. X
1 Like
Thank you for that, especially a womans point of view. Even though I’m 60 yrs old, I’m super fit! However it’s hard to see how you can have a relationship with someone 20+ years younger. I know it’s possible. I’ve never even thought about the sexual side, I just wanted to care for her. My dumb down version of letter just asks at the end, if it’s possible to go for coffee and chat as normal people, get to know the real her.I have seen her at my monthly bereavement meeting once. So it maybe she would just say, see you at church. This would seem less pressure on her and gets my mind back on what it should be dealing with. I’m a bit out of practice with all this of course. I think I need to show her I’m normal and not complex, so she has no pressures?
2 Likes
Hi Keiand
I am so sorry for your loss,
Please forgive me but I saw your post and had to jump on quickly,
Personally I think this is a bad idea,
Do you know anything about this lovely lady who gave you counseling.
Does she have a family partner/Husband/Children etc,
You have to consider this,I know she is 20 years younger than you,but please don’t carry on with this, You will get hurt again she was there on a professional basis to help people like yourself nothing more,
Do not write a letter expressing how you feel,But a letter of Thank You
Yes by all means leave your contact number because her contact is up.
If she is interested in you,then I’m sure she would contact you,
Please tread carefully I can see all this going wrong and you again will have heartache.
It’s just my opinion nothing more
Blessings to you
Martin
5 Likes
Thank you, I’ve been thinking about this all day. No children no husband, I think she is single. I have 2 letters, but the main one seems mostly about me.,that she was never aware of. The second one is a thank you but does show how I have improved and how she helped. I have at the end left the idea for a coffee and chat. It’s a hard decision but I feel that she will nolonger want to contact me.
So my approach will be a thank you letter and flowers.
I’m in two minds about cancelling the last meeting.
1 Like
Thank You for your reply Keiand
I understand where you are coming from, and she has told you about herself, which is lovely
But here comes the but,I would go with the second letter, After all she has helped you with your grief and it’s been positive for you,
Yes you have left in your letter reference a coffee and a chat, Leave it there please No flowers, flowers were for your Beutifull wife, giving flowers to your councillor will show interest in her,a simple letter of Thank you is good enough,
Please don’t cancel your last meeting, another sign
I hope this opinion helps you my friend
Blessings
Martin
4 Likes
Hello @Keiand
Your counsellor has to abide the ethical rules not to develope dual relationships with clients, but as her contract is up then a thank you letter and invitation for coffee might well happen for you.
Good luck, as we know life’s too short.
Amy x
1 Like
Thank you for that, but I tried to get advice from others and everything went wrong,so it’s all ended.ni regard for my mental health. It’s something I could have done without at this time. The anger has done me alot of good tbh. Got my wedding anniversary next week, it will be 33 yrs. I hope to reconnect with that and find comfort. Sometimes very hard to cope when most vulnerable.
I’m sorry for your loss, but the best advice I can give is to not make any major emotional decisions for at least 2 years after a loss!
I would also strongly recommend against crossing professional boundaries.
If she is leaving a contracted position, I would suggest you provide her with details so she can contact you. If she feels the same as you do, she will contact you. But try not to hook your future happiness on the kindness she showed you. That was part of her job. Xxx
Sorry to be a realist, and I am certainly not against large age gaps. My exhusband was 13 yrs older and my recent soul mate was 40+ years older than me, which is why I’m on this site. It’s hard to know I have another life I can live. I will never forget him.
I hope you can find a healthy and happy path forward.
Be kind to yourself. Xx
3 Likes
Thank you. Its over and I have decided not to contact her. I felt it was wrong. I had my wedding anniversary yesterday and a lot of reflection. It is hard, but not the worse feeling this year.
2 Likes