Hey guys I am making such a hash of things, I am literally self sabotaging me…making bad decisions, people pleasing, false jollity, keeping myself busy pretending to do meaningful things , self validating that I am doing well. Keeping my chin up. Stopping loved ones fretting, because I cannot be open and say two years on, I still feeling it hard-core.
I am not coping anywhere near as good as the outside. I feeling like the guy out of the film “green mile” all that poison inside fomenting away.
I am tired on every level, alarmingly disorientated at times. Highly functioning on the outer shell whilst inwardly imploding…
I have almost a throw away lack of regard for myself . On every level I am a contradiction
Like I have two personalities… .
Does anyone else have a tapdance going on inside whilst looking calm on the outside.x
Like a duck - Calm on the surface but paddling like hell below. I think many of us will relate to your post @Elvispresley69. Your tapdance expression describes it very well.
I have been wondering a similar thing about how busy I keep myself. It’s 8 months for me and sometimes I feel ok as I don’t give myself time to think.
I think maybe you could keep talking on here and let us know how you feel more often then you will continue to admit to yourself as well that you are NOT ok. Don’t know if that will help but this community none of us wanted to join will at least understand. You put it so eloquently and I’m sure others will relate to what you say. I was warned by a nutritionist and reiki practitioner that 11 months is likely to be a bad time for me.
As you can see, I am not sleeping tonight and have had a busy day with another to follow tomorrow which I have no choice about doing. You are NOT alone, if that helps. xxx