How do you begin to describe something that literally tares your life apart. You only need to look on here and see that every one on here shares a common theme. One minute life was ok and then a single event completely rips the carpet from beneath your feet. It throws your whole world into turmoil.
One minute you are just chugging along moaning about work or the weather. The next minute you can’t even fathom out how to tie your shoes laces. You don’t want to go to bed as sleep can’t find you. You don’t want to get up and face another day. The everyday little things you took for granted like eating and drinking or getting dressed or being somewhere you are meant to be. Or engaging in a conversation . It’s not like any of it is important it’s more like it has all become irrelevant. You try your best to put a front on and be normal. But normal walked out the door the moment you got hit by the biggest tornado you’ve ever seen.
I never once felt like ending it all when I lost my boy. But I did want to jump through a plate glass window or jump in front of a bus, or stand on the edge of a cliff and scream my lungs out. Not to kill myself but more to try numb the emotional pain if that makes sense.
One of the first things that struck me was I couldn’t comprehend why everyone else wasn’t feeling the same as me when I lost my boy. It took me quite a while to realize that only I would feel my own loss. Everyone can only experience their own loss.
Grief doesn’t come with a handbook of instructions. It’s not something you can train for. It affects us all differently. In the beginning I was waiting for the " pain" to pass. Then you get talking to people who talk about things that happened 10/20/30 years ago and then you suddenly think ohh !!!
I was surprised by two things that happened to me and I assume have happened to a lot of people on here. The first was, a life time of friends that I had collected didn’t know what to say to me . The other was, people I knew in passing… people at work or in the shops would quietly pull me to one side and say,. I know what you are going through I lost my ( insert here). Then you suddenly realize you are part of this elite club that nobody actually wants to be apart of.
There’s no set time that you are supposed to " pull yourself together". Grief takes aslong as it takes, what other people tell you about timescales is completely irrelevant. The new normal is whatever you are feeling on any given day. I was very much a blokey bloke. Now, I can literally cry at the opening of a bag of crisps. You see little triggers in innocuous situations all the time.
In the early days every time I set foot out of the house It felt like there were a 1000 pairs of eyes staring at me, like I’d accidentally stepped out of the house naked and everyone noticed. Now, time has passed it feels more like I don’t fit in anymore. I’m 6 years down the line . If I go to the pub/work/shops, go on holiday I simply just feel out of place if that makes sense.
There is one thing I don’t really understand about us humans. The mere mention of your lost loved ones name can kill a conversation and empty a room quicker than the speed of sound. I learned a long time ago to not mention my son’s name when I’m in company or 2 seconds later, I won’t be in company… anyway that’s enough for tonight. I’ll get off my soapbox. Thank you
Good evening Jim
I had to smile when you said about grief not coming with a handbook because since my son died I have been reading lots of self help books and one was called the grief guidebook . I needed all the help I could get and this one had a good write up. Unfortunately for me that one was Very disappointing . This site is FAR more helpful and informative in my opinion and if I had found this site in the beginning I would have saved my money .
You can be sure here Jim nobody will leave the room when you talk about your son and we are all more than ready to listen to you talk about him and how you are feeling.
I am glad you can let your feelings out even though you say you were a blocky bloke, more men should. My son was a lovely sensitive guy but used to chastise himself and say “ I’ve got to man up” ( I do hate that expression) which used to so frustrate me because he was just great the way he was, everyone felt comfortable talking to him as he was so empathetic.
It’s like people say to me “ be strong” !? No I don’t get that one either, be strong when your son has just died?
Strength may come in time and grief might make me a better person, at least I hope I will be able to be one of those understanding people you talk about that can take someone to one side and say I understand, which I could not have done before all this.
This strange place we are in now well it’s seems it is going to be our new normal , it’s going to take as long as it takes to get used to it I suppose.
Take care jss
I feel you have just seen in side my head. I almost want to print what you have written on to a leaflet, a leaflet that I could hand out to anyone who walks within my circle at any time ………. So when they ask how I am feeling or don’t ask ……. I can ask them to read and say ‘ that’s it in a nut shell’
Hi Jim it was a sudden death with my son. I had to do CPR and all that, ambulance took ages , all traumatic. It’s not like on the TV , but when they took him away I still convinced myself he would be ok, the doctor told me later less than 10% actually do survive CPR.
No warning , no chance to say all the things i wished I could have said . I Just have to talk to his picture now instead
Thank you for sharing your post. Grief has no time limit and no instruction manual but there will be many here that will identify with your post. We are always here to support you. Take Care.
Jim
I’m sorry you are unable to talk about your son
It’s not fair he was part of your life
You want to share what a huge part he played in your life
It’s been 3 years since my husband died out of the blue
But I know what your saying if I talk about him around my father in law he changes the subject
I know it’s his way to cope with the loss of his son
But david was the love of my life we did everything together so I want to talk about him
I want to keep him alive if only in my head !!
I though by now I would be over my grief
But I find I’m worse now the hurt is so deep
I go to work
I go out with my friends
But I always feel empty numb
I do think what is the point of life now
It’s so hard
It’s what we are all going through
Xx
Hi Jss. Thanks for your reply. That must have been awful for you. When someone is taken away from us it’s amazing how many things we suddenly realize we will never get to say or do with them. Take care
Hi Jim, I can relate to a lot which is being said here. Putting up a front, trying to be or at least to appear “normal”. People initially expressing their condolences, then not replying to your emails anymore. I wish there was some concrete advice available, or shared experiences, on how to better cope after a bereavement. What one can expect. I find these ups and downs in my mood very difficult. I am experiencing myself differently now. I used to be a morning person, happy and awake straight away. Now there are a few seconds of that, and then a feeling of anxiety and dread are setting in. I think every morning, this awful thing has really happened. But it also throws questions up about our society. One always feels the need to be happy, feeling great. No one admitting if this is not the case. I sometimes think twice of going out, even into town, as I don’t want to loose control and cry in public. I suppose one learns, which activities feel right. Our loved ones would want us to carry on living. And hopefully, another normality will evolve and eventually, a different happiness. We must accept that life will not ever be the same xxx
Hi Jim. My lad was slaughtered by an idiot driving a van. He pulled out in front of my son’s motorbike and killed Simon aged 49, AND his workmate, 38, both on different bikes. I am 3 months into this horror journey. I have so much hate for the moron who did this. I hope he suffers forever, like our family has to now. He left 2 daughters and 2 granddaughters. This is like a death sentence for me. I am a 78 year old rock musician who was still performing before this happened. Now, I can’t even look at the guitars in my collection that he played. He was also a fine guitarist and drummer. I just regret that we did not play together very much latterly. I feel guilty about that.
He had just decorated our bedroom for us. It hurts so much to be in that room now, just looking at the perfect job he did. The police said that he was in no way to blame for the crash, and that he died instantly. How the hell can they know the “instantly” bit? No such thing in my opinion. All I keep seeing in my mind is him in the hospital, lying dead, with a tube coming from his mouth. As I held his arm, I felt the last bit of warmth leave his body. What the hell did I do to deserve this horror show? I was a bit religious before this, but not any more! There is nothing up there. I feel like a great chunk of me has been cut away. Bereft and sad. Also VERY angry over how this happened. It could have been so easily avoided. Think Bike!! I urge every driver to Think Bike!! Please!!
All the best. Ashy
