Making small steps

My husband died suddenly while waiting for an operation this September, eight weeks ago. All the doctors said he’d have the op and be home in five days, very common operation, no problem. Unfortunately it appears that on the cardiac ward they didn’t notice he was having heart attacks!
Like for so many of you the world has broken, my son and I are still in shock and tears every day. The desire to just sit and cry and stare at the wall is enormous.
I know that my husband doesn’t want me to have that for the rest of my life. Before he died he told me two things, that I have a voice and that I am to use it, we met at music school, and over the years I have more or less stopped singing. Secondly he told me that I am made of tungsten, that I am strong and have to use that strength. A few years ago I had a breakdown following bullying at work and have relied a lot on my husband since then because my confidence was shattered.
He didn’t know he was going to die, the doctors said they didn’t expect it, I certainly didn’t.
But he still said those things to me.
The Monday after he died I joined a folk club and I sang.
Every day I try to make a few steps forward, paperwork, sorting things in the house, seeing a friend. To begin with these were impossible tasks but I pushed myself and got them done somehow, midst tears and bouts of staring at the wall.
Dying is hard but living is harder and my love told me I had to live so I do it for him until I can be with him again. I have my son and my cat, they both need me, I have to be here for them because they don’t have anyone else to look after them, I know my husband is willing me to keep going, to find small pleasures in achieving the little goals. It’s as hard as hell but I want to see my son married, I want to see his children, I want to help him tell them about their grandfather to make him as alive for them as he still is for our son and I.
A small step every day.


Dear Mol

I am sorry to about the loss of your husband and welcome to the online community.

Thank you for sharing your post which will be of inspiration to others. One small step every day will make the difference. Slowly but surely. Take care. xx


Hi Mol
So sorry that you lost your husband so suddenly. Nothing prepares you for that does it. I share your pain.
My husband died almost three weeks ago. Although he had lung cancer his death was also very sudden and unexpected. No time for hospitals or hospice. His heart stopped. Just like that. My days are a mixed bag of deep anguish and pain and times of, almost like another person looking in from a distance. As if part of me isn’t really here and like I’m living as a different person. It’s very hard to explain. Maybe for me this is how I’m coping (or not?).
Your post did give me some hope that things will get easier with time. I don’t have a son to take care of and keep me going but I have my daughter, her husband and two absolutely wonderful grandchildren to care about and to keep me going. They live a long way away so I can’t see them regularly but we phone or what’s app every day and for that I’m grateful else I think I’d go mad.
Thanks for your post. Take care.

Hi Joules,
I can understand your shock and feel for you.
I take comfort in knowing that when he died my husband wasn’t expecting it, he was a living one second and then dead. I hope he didn’t realise and felt no fear. As I said it’s living that’s hard, living after they have gone. A couple of days ago I went into complete melt down over something, while annoying, was probably quite easy to fix. But it was something he would have fixed. He would have known exactly what to do while my son and I had no idea and we both panicked. It opened the flood gates for me and so much of what I had been controlling to save my son the reality of what I am going through burst out. I am trying so hard to be positive, grieve gently but then one stupid thing happens and wham I hit a wall. I frightened the hell out of my son but I think he understands, he has been frightened that I will kill myself but now I hope he knows that I won’t, because I have to be here for him. I might go into melt down, I might scream and shout, I might even throw things at the wall, haven’t yet! But I will be here for him for as long as I can. I think that is the key for me at least, I have found what I MUST live for and if I MUST live it has to be a LIFE.
When my father died my mother refused to live a life she settled into a circle of depression and anxiety and anger, taking it out on those around her, principally me. I’ve learnt from that that I must protect my son, help him through his grief, show him that it’s Ok to continue living and trying to enjoy yourself. When we had the funeral I asked, no told, everyone to wear what they would wear to a party, no black, no grey, happy clothes. My husband loved a party especially a party at home so we had his final party at home. All his friends together. I asked a few from different times of his life to say two minutes about the person they had known at the time they had known him, many hadn’t seen him for years, as long as 40years in some instance. The overwhelming message that came out was about a person who was a generous soul, who treated others gently and fairly and was loved and liked by those who knew him.
So I will continue to live, try to continue to party and try to be as gentle and loving as he was, for him and for my son. It isn’t easy, I will hit the wall many more times and I’ll try not to beat myself up when I do. X

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