Hello. I lost my Mum (after her year long battle with cancer), in March this year. Whilst I thought I was mentally preparing myself, from the day she was diagnosed, I now know that it just isn’t possible to be ready for how you’re going to feel.
I’m 44 and had always lived with my Mum. I looked after her some years back, when she had terrible psoriasis, and became her protector from then on. That role reversal thing, that creeps up on you, kicked in then. We were pals too, and went out together every weekend and to various theatre trips etc.
I looked after Mum throughout her last illness. I took her for her treatments, comforted her etc. When things got worse I became her carer. I washed her, dressed her, dressed her pressure sores, gave her the medications. I was up every hour through the night checking on her. I was tired, of course, but I didn’t begrudge a single second, not even when I was being snapped at. I have no regrets, or ‘should have’s’ niggling me.
When Mum passed away, a little sooner than expected, it was devastating. I can truly say I’ve never known heartache like it (I thought my beloved dogs had been awful when they popped off, but oh my goodness!). I went round in a fuggy haze for quite a few days. My brother and I spent the initial days together doing all the usual official stuff. We even had our Grans funeral to go to, as she had passed away a couple of weeks before Mum.
Slowly the haze began to lift, and after Mum’s funeral I felt in a better place. I am still slowly sorting through Mum’s stuff, sometimes a little tearful, sometimes with happy memories. I have become more comfortable with my new found ‘me’ time.
But then…Boom! Every now and again this massive wave of sadness hits me like a bulldozer, absolutely floors me. There’s nothing specific that triggers it. I can be walking the dog, washing my hair, watching tv. No rhyme or reason. Suddenly I’m back to square one and feel like someone has kicked me in the heart. The sensible me knows this is all part of the grieving process. I know too, that because I lived with Mum and spent so much time with her, that the house and my weekends will feel odd for quite a while. But right now I can’t see the end of feeling like this. My dog is currently on palliative care too (I swear the grim reaper is having a jolly time with me), and I know her impending passing (although she’s well at the moment) is playing on my mind. I just want to feel in control of my emotions again. Does this wave of grief ever stop? Will it become a small ripple sometime soon? I think I could cope with that better.
Much love to everyone on here, it’s truly rubbish losing a loved one. x