Massive waves of grief

Hello. I lost my Mum (after her year long battle with cancer), in March this year. Whilst I thought I was mentally preparing myself, from the day she was diagnosed, I now know that it just isn’t possible to be ready for how you’re going to feel.

I’m 44 and had always lived with my Mum. I looked after her some years back, when she had terrible psoriasis, and became her protector from then on. That role reversal thing, that creeps up on you, kicked in then. We were pals too, and went out together every weekend and to various theatre trips etc.

I looked after Mum throughout her last illness. I took her for her treatments, comforted her etc. When things got worse I became her carer. I washed her, dressed her, dressed her pressure sores, gave her the medications. I was up every hour through the night checking on her. I was tired, of course, but I didn’t begrudge a single second, not even when I was being snapped at. I have no regrets, or ‘should have’s’ niggling me.

When Mum passed away, a little sooner than expected, it was devastating. I can truly say I’ve never known heartache like it (I thought my beloved dogs had been awful when they popped off, but oh my goodness!). I went round in a fuggy haze for quite a few days. My brother and I spent the initial days together doing all the usual official stuff. We even had our Grans funeral to go to, as she had passed away a couple of weeks before Mum.

Slowly the haze began to lift, and after Mum’s funeral I felt in a better place. I am still slowly sorting through Mum’s stuff, sometimes a little tearful, sometimes with happy memories. I have become more comfortable with my new found ‘me’ time.

But then…Boom! Every now and again this massive wave of sadness hits me like a bulldozer, absolutely floors me. There’s nothing specific that triggers it. I can be walking the dog, washing my hair, watching tv. No rhyme or reason. Suddenly I’m back to square one and feel like someone has kicked me in the heart. The sensible me knows this is all part of the grieving process. I know too, that because I lived with Mum and spent so much time with her, that the house and my weekends will feel odd for quite a while. But right now I can’t see the end of feeling like this. My dog is currently on palliative care too (I swear the grim reaper is having a jolly time with me), and I know her impending passing (although she’s well at the moment) is playing on my mind. I just want to feel in control of my emotions again. Does this wave of grief ever stop? Will it become a small ripple sometime soon? I think I could cope with that better.

Much love to everyone on here, it’s truly rubbish losing a loved one. x

I am so sry to read this post and I can relate to it 100%. I lost my elderly Mum just three weeks ago. I was her carer for 10 years but for the last year she had a care company going into her four times a day. I had to give it up as I myself was unwell and needed to step back a little. My darling Mum was never really happy with this arrangement and did get rather depressed. I still visited her regularly and we spoke on the phone at least 5 times a day. Mum was my friend as well as a mother and she was the sweetest most loving mum and nanny anyone could wish for. Her death was so out of the blue, she felt a little groggy on the Tuesday, I arranged a Drs visit in the Thursday as I suspected a water infection and he took bloods etc as her BP was high. On Friday lunchtime I got a call from my sister to say the paramedics were taking her in with kidney failure. I went to the hospital at teatime to be told she only had hours to live and she died the next day. She has peritinitis and a blood clot in her intestines. I am in such shock I can not believe it has happened. I feel I’m in limbo and have sn overwhelming sense of loss and despair. My days were filled with my Mum for so long and even recently she was at the forefront of each and everyday with phone calls. I feel as though part of me is missing. I’m ok for a bit and then wham it hits me full force. I collected her ashes yesterday and lost it completely once home. I’m snappy at my poor husband and I’m trying to carry on as normal as I can for my children and grandchildren but it’s like I’m running on auto pilot. I have a part time job but I know I not ready to be in that environment ( hostess in a care home) especially as Mum occupied a room there for respite after a recent hospital stay. I too just want yo know if things get better? But how can they when she is never going to be there? The phone rings and my heart almost misses s beat because I just think " it’s Mum" and a then realisation hits me that it’s not and it never will be and I’m in floods of tears again. I can not put into words how deeply I hurt it’s almost a physical heart ache.
I sincerely feel for you as your post is do similar to my situation. I just hope it eases for us both soon. Take care x

Hi Jujujojo64, So sorry for your recent loss. It’s just awful as the reality sinks in. You will start to feel better. I do, a lot, but every now and again it just hits me. I reckon it would be odd if we didn’t feel this way. When I feel rubbish I let myself have a good sob. It’s our way of sorting things out mentally. So many times I’ve seen an advert for a show, or heard something funny and thought ‘I must tell Mum’, then in a flash the realisation hits again. My friend told me that she still has the odd moment even 2 years on. You see, I know it’s all our way of processing the loss, but I still don’t want to feel like this. Talking (or writing on this forum) definitely helps. Big hugs to you. x

Hi Mokii
Thanks for your reply. I’m sure it will get easier, everyone says it will it’s just hard to believe at this moment. I hope you continue to feel better and yes these forums help a lot x

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