Having spent the last 4.5 weeks crying since I lost my amazing husband with very little warning, I have slowly began to realise that however many tears I cry, he won’t come back. I know he would if he could - I know he wouldn’t have wanted to leave us but God knew better. (I have had my faith shaken by this but tackling that state of affairs is for another day).
Anyway, I decided that rather than crying my eyes out, I would concentrate on the good things we have shared. Thankfully, since we married, I have kept diaries and holiday folders. These holiday folders contain details of where we went and what we did, who we saw etc. and had lots of postcards and photos inside to illustrate our trips.
Today I got the first holiday folder out and I have looked at 20 years’ worth.
Do I feel better? Strangely, I think I do. I thought they would upset me, and they did in one way, but they helped me realise what a wonderful life we had, how much fun we had and how lucky we were. Reading other peoples’ stories, those who have only had a few years of marriage, made me think that, instead of feeling so desolate, I should be grateful we had 54 years of marriage and 57 years knowing each other. And for this, I feel so soothed. Looking back isn’t such a bad thing, although I see that many people on here advise against it. Looking back is ok if you do it for the right reasons, It is no good wanting those days back. We all do but it can’t happen. Looking back should be to remember those happy times, not to bring regret. In the main, we must try to look forward and try to follow the path our loved ones would want us to take and do whatever we can to be as happy as we can be. That is what my beloved husband would want for me and I am going to try to achieve that in his honour. He would be devastated if he knew how I feel right now. I adored him and I was so lucky to have him and my love for him and his for me can’t end with his passing. I am convinced of that.
Hi Ann. Your words are lovely and very true. We all have lovely memories. I was only married 2.5years and together for 11yrs but we packed loads into those few years before he died suddenly at 64. We did a lot but then we still had lots more to do. I know Bill would not have left me either, if he had the choice and I know he wouldn’t want me to be sad but I am and lonely. I like you want to look back on those memories and smile at the good times but I can’t as yet, I just feel uncontrollable sadness. It’s 5mths now and I seem to be getting worse instead of better. I will try and get to your place Ann as I hate feeling like this.
You can tell you were both devoted to each other and not many people get to see 50 odd years together. S x
Dear Shonzie
Like you, I was not really ready to look at the folders but I was feeling so lost, alone and unbearably sad and I was desperate for something - anything, to try to ease the pain. I opened the first folder, then shut it. This happened several times until I eventually made myself read the first sentence, then another and so on.
It did help me but I fully understand your feelings and your trepidation. I do feel your pain and I know you have to proceed at your own pace. I wish you strength and courage and peace while you come to terms with the loss of your husband. Love and good wishes to you. Be strong. X
Thank you and you too. Life can be so cruel. 