I spoke to Philmore’s parents today. They are both very fragile and sickly. And Dad said that they feel so sorry for me being on my own and lonely. I lied as I always do because I do not want to make them sad. I told them that I am OK, but I have my sad moments and that I feel that my Philmore is still looking after me. I had a major meltdown after the telephone conversation and cried. The truth is that I am lonely and that I have just no energy to start something new. I am 64, and in August I will be 65. I thought we would go for a week to Norfolk and celebrate my birthday - it will not happen. It is not getting better or easier, although my Philmore left me in this nightmare over two years ago. Our house and garden are a mess, and I just cannot find any energy to do anything. I also have problems with my memory and finding the right words when I talk to other people - maybe it is the mental stress I am under? Sorry for the long message. Sending hugs to everyone.
Annaessex, I am very sorry that your husband died. It is a hard, long journey that you are on. I know. My husband died in September 2024 and I have been through everything you are experiencing. It is universal to all of us who have lost a spouse. You are normal, this is all normal and I am here to tell you that things will get better.
Sure, there are a million “things that need to be done” and it all seems so overwhelming because it is. My suggestion is as follows:
Pay the bills, feed all the mouths in the house including yourself and rest.
For the million things to be done, it is the “chip away a bit at a time” method.
Everyday, write down five things that you need to accomplish, do them and mark them off the list. Just 5. At the end of the week you will have completed 35 “to dos”, 150 in a month.
Sometimes the line items are as simple as “take a bath”, “grocery shop”, “take out trash”. or “make doctor’s appt.”.
Do five minutes of clean up in a room. Then rest. Go back again if you have the energy or do five minutes in another room.
Purge every closet, drawer, room, shed, attic, of excess. Five drawers, edit 5 bits of clothing from a closet, 5 minutes to clean the fridge, 5 minutes to vacuum, etc. We can stand on our heads for 5 minutes, so tackle each “thing to do” 5 things or 5 minutes at a time.
The written list should be in a notebook, so you can see how far you have come and how many things you have, in fact, accomplished.
This is how I survived the onslaught of chores, repairs, etc. I take each day hour by hour and step by step.
Right, I couldn’t form sentences or find words for a long time, but it seems that the purging of everything, tossing the excess and organizing everything in my home really helped with the anxiety and fear as I knew where everything was located.
Organized house = organized mind and soon sentences and words will return. Visual clutter clutters the mind. Make space there.
We are all miserable on this journey, but we make it and you will too. You have already survived 2 years.
Grief is exhausting. I know. Tired all the time, with no desire to do anything at all. This is where the list comes in. Make it easy on yourself.
It is important to get out and mingle with people, even if you can’t form sentences or find words. Person-to-person communication will stimulate what is in limbo ATM.
Your life will never be the same as it was, you are not the same person. Now, you must create a new life and learn who you are now. It is really hard, but only you can do it.
Baby steps, one day, one list at a time. You will get there. I promise.
Even if you cry, wipe your face and tackle another project for 5 minutes.
Sometimes, I “work” for 5 minutes every hour. Set a timer and when it goes off - quit and rest.
Love, this will all pass. You will learn to live with the loss. No choice really, is there?
PS: it isn’t dementia, it is grief. You haven’t gone insane, it is grief. You haven’t lost your get up and go, it will come back.
We’re so alike on this horrendous journey and I fully understand what you’re going thru. Now,after almost 5 years I very rarely get thru the day without tears and like you can’t muster up any energy or enthusiasm for anything. My house and garden are so neglected. I sometimes make a start on bits but soon find myself looking for any opportunity to down tools . When Val was here I’d be busy for hours on end but now I’m just a shadow of myself. I hope you’ll find some motivation to carry on but i know how hard it’ll be. Take care
Hello Anna,
I’m nearly 5 years down this lonely road. At times you need to cocoon and comfort yourself. At times, if people want to help, at least let them try. It’s OK for your house and garden to be in a mess, but please share your feelings with someone. Have you had any counselling, or a chat with your GP? My husband’s death was relatively sudden - during the COVID era but not due to COVID - but my GPs sent a community psychiatric nurse to help me - she sent a support worker every week who just listened and by doing that she really did help.
You sound as if you don’t know what to do next - that’s fine. The thought that really helped me was that Jim (my husband) wouldn’t want me to feel like I did. He knew I would be devastated, but at the same time he wouldn’t want me to be trapped in grief forever. We had nearly 20 wonderful years together, and the memories of that helped so much. But at the same time, I had to keep body and soul together, deal with the funeral, get his will thru’ probate.
I then had three dogs - they helped me more than anything else. Kind neighbours brought in food, they helped with the garden, some of them did the wrong thing, but at least they were thinking of me.
Time is a great healer, but sometimes you are not ready to heal. You get stuck in a circle. All I can say is, maybe it’s time to reach out and let someone in.
Words are never enough at a time like this, but words are all I have.
Please know that I am thinking of you, and hoping you will find help soon.
Two years and five years! Oh my goodness I don’t want to be feeling like this for that long. If that’s how it’s going to be then I’d better accept it right now. My immediate goal is to be able to talk about my wife without choking up and crying every time. My wife loved our garden and I’ve tried to make it look nice again this year,it keeps me busy anyway. It’s the winter I’m dreading,dark cold and stuck indoors but I’ll worry about that when it happens. Doing little jobs one room at a time sounds like a good idea but the thought of five years down the line and feeling no happier is rather depressing.
We’re all different and I suppose will cope and progress along this horrible road differently. I too am coming up to 5 years since losing the love of my life and I just get bad days and not so bad days. Probably not what you need to hear right now and I really hope you’ll feel better soon. We’ve just got to accept that our loved one has sadly gone and we’ve got to carry on without them. It’s so up n down, one minute I feel OK but then completely out the blue I’m in bits and floods of tears. We were together for 50 years ( married for 47 years) and I wish we’d met sooner,then I could have loved her for longer. Take things slowly,one step at a time, remember its ok to not be ok. Take care
Thank you so much for your replies and sound advice. I started writing down a kind of to-do list, but stopped after a few weeks because I couldn’t cope. I did not list lots of things, but still could not do it. I will try again with the list and hope this time it will have a better outcome. I just have to pull myself together. Sending you all good vibes and hugs.
Its 20mths since i lost my husband and i agree its hard but its not as raw as it was.
I have bad days for sure but irs not constant. I miss him every day but the pain is not as intense.
I can smile at memories now.
Everyone is different andy68 but i csn now talk about my husband and remember him fondly without crying
Hope this gives hope