On the practical side through the last three years I have coped well, managing repairs and maintenance really because we did our projects etc together which has stood me well. Emotionally I struggle so much and find I try to avoid places we went together locally and on holiday, as it hurts so much. Also everyone tells me I must have wonderful memories because we were lucky to enjoy holidays over the years. But when I think of things we did I drown in feelings of yearning and longing. Does anyone else feel like this or can offer guidance how to cope with this. I have good friends, keep busy volunteering and outwardly everyone thinks how well I am coping. But alone at home I have waves of absolute sadness. I suppose having such a long and good marriage perhaps makes this inevitable. How do I cope with this desperate yearning for my husband?
I can Identify with you, with trips and holidays, it may be lovely memories but they are hard and feel wrong visit places without them, I live in a small island and it takes me several days sometimes weeks to plan to go somewhere we loved for a walk or a cuppa in our camper. Sometimes I don’t even go if not feeling it. Its bloody hard. I’ve not I take comfort that hubby would be so proud of me doing a trip, even a couple off days of island. I have sat in the airport before and when the flight was called didn’t board as was overwhelmed and upset. It’s bloody hard. Can’t give any advice, you are doing good for both of you xx
I lost my husband on Christmas Eve and we haven’t had the funeral yet due to the holidays. I’m totally lost, part of me is in some kind of denial I think and the other part is devastated that I no longer have my life partner who has been by my side for 40 years, since we were 18. My whole life has been with him in it. Good times and bad, we shared them all. My children are grown and live far away, one lives abroad although he is staying with me until after the funeral. I’m dreading the house being just me and the dogs, who are also missing him like mad. I’m sure you will make your husband proud with your strength, if not now but in the future. I’m keeping my brave face on until my son goes home, but I know I need to step up and try to be strong, how hubby would want me to be, it’s just so damn difficult. Take care of yourself
So sorry for your loss…far too soon. My husband died suddenly, from a heart attack, suddenly with no warning, last May. We were married 45 years. Our children moved away too (3-4 hours away) Having to try to build a new life alone is so hard and lonely x
So so sorry for your loss. It helps to know you understand this part of our grief. To go anywhere we previously went together is so difficult, we both seem to be trying to cope with this, only hope it gets a little easier. Stay strong
Lesq - the longing and yearning are part of your grief - they reflect the bond you had with your husband and your reaction to his loss. I read an interesting article about the brain’s response to grief and apparently, when you’re in a pair bond with another human, the brain lays down path ways for that bond and when the partner disappears, it triggers us to search for them and not give up searching. So even though the rational part of our brain knows our loved one can’t return, this pathway prevents us from knowing it at a deeper and more profound neurological level. That is what generates the yearning. The article said that it’s useful to remind yourself that in this way, your loved one is hard wired into your neurological circuits - they are literally in our DNA. I found it incredibly comforting to think that my husband is hard wired into me. I love that. The yearning is your love and painful though it is, it is a reminder of your bond and your eternal and everlasting love for that person.
This makes perfect sense to me and explains why I’m feeding the way I am. Thank you x
This make good sense about how I feel. This is my first contribution and it has helped to know I am not the only widow struggling with this. Thank you all
Thank you for this. It does bring comfort, neurological aside psychological
Thank you for sharing this. this made me happy to read.
It’s a strange feeling, you know your partner is no longer there. But 2 months on I still feel him with me and sometimes feel like he will walk through the door.
I still cry most days, some days my heart feels like its breaking in two and I sob like I have never sobbed before. All the while putting a brave face on for eveyone else.
A year on for me. I find keeping myself busy helps distract myself a bit from going over the past but then certain things will ‘break through’ and trigger emotions… feels like Im drowning but then I know it will pass at some point and that is reassuring in a way. I’m hopeful I can make some emotional space in time for someone else I know if it happens it will be different and the happiness from that will need to sit alongside the sadness of my wife not being about. But when I have that capacity I dont know - but even contemplating is a step forward for me. Its small steps and time for me. I dont know if that helps at all!
Thanks for writing. It does help to know much of what I feel is shared by others in their grief. After being married for a long time It is a slow process tackling things we shared, but bit by bit I can recognise I have managed to cope a little better now and that brings me hope. Then I go down the slippery slope and feel awful yearning, but I do know that this will pass as well.
I too have this yearning and searching for my beautiful Linda who passed on 8/10/24 due to catching covid in hospital while being treated with kidney issue
but i struggle going into our nearby city to get something i constantly looking for her to come out of a shop or just walk round the corner when we went in to shop we split up and id go look at what i needed and linda would go get her things them meet back up and that longing is getting worse id see her and she see me and just smile esp if id not seen her first that smile would just melt me but I’m intelligent enough to know she wont be there now but it doesn’t stop the searching the want and need to see my babe again and her amazing smile councillors say its gets easier i just sit at home and just cry in the evenings and at night the silence is deafening and find myself crying when i wake if I’ve managed to get sleep anyway i send my hope and love to anyone having to go through the grief and loss of a loved one i hope you can find peace one day and take care of you thats what everyone says but i know its dam hard hugs to all 
Martin 
I know what you mean Martin64, the yearning and the searching. My husband and I would always wave to eachother through the window when I went out and in writing this to you just now I am remembering when we used to split up’ in town to shop we both used to look behind at the other, we turned it into a game, who would be the last to look back. Thank you for reigniting this for me. I am ten weeks in’ and yes, the tears flow and I wonder how I can get through the next twenty four hours just to be met with the next twenty four. Take good care, this Forum is an anchor’ for me and so many. You are not Alone
Aww pooka 1968 yeah that is just how we were together im glad i reignited that memory for you your welcome its so difficult now even the shopping for me and Linda’s mum who I’m now caring for is difficult this yearning feeling is overwhelming to the extent i had to get back to the car and go home it just floored me the nights and evenings are the worst i think just miss those little conversations we had silly things but just now missing oh yes the tears flow alright its like grounhog day life on repeat you take care too i hope this site does help you and maybe help me too thank you for your message and message me if you ever just need a chat or a listening ear anytime so then this lonely road isn’t so lonely for just a little while take care
Martin
Hi Suzy and others
Reading your message and replies is exactly as how I feel.I lost my wife of nearly 50 years 11 weeks ago and I miss her so much every day.
I feel the word yearning describes how I feel .I long to be with her again doing the things we did together. Sue …my wife had Cancer for nearly 4 years after surviving Breast Cancer 20 years ago. During the last 4 years I have constantly being by her side ,looking after her and most days taking her somewhere to get out of the house.Getting used to being on my own is terrible.
With Sue’s illness and Covid we haven’t been able to travel abroad for 5 years. This was hard as we loved our trips abroad which we were now free to do as much as possible in retirement.We loved Cruising and City breaks and even managed a Bucket list trip to Australia.
Similar to you friends say I am lucky to have the wonderful memories to cherish.This is true but it’s also heartbreaking to think I will never have these simple pleasures again of exploring new places with my best friend.
I took can cope on a practical level with the cooking ,washing etc…although I have never tackled ironing yet!!
I also see my beautiful wife every where I go.
In town shopping we used to split up and meet for coffee.I walk past the shops and see her there with her beautiful smile to greet me .
I look in pubs and restaurants doorways and think we have been there and see her there.
My son and family took me to London for my Birthday last weekend,which was lovely,but as we travelled round I just kept thinking Sue and I have been there and there and there.My find is full of memories everywhere which is comforting and painful…
There is this strong desire to see her again and be with her…this Yearning…
It was interesting to read what someone wrote about the brain searching for a lost partner and being part of our DNA…my Sue is locked into my brain and I miss her and search for her every day.
Sorry for rambling on but it is good to express my feelings on here.
On a every day level I seem to be coping OK to people.Some ask how I am coping …most don’t.
Emotionally I feel lost.
Good luck to everyone else who is struggling.
It is early days for me …
I get what you are going through. It’s nearly two years ago that my husband died. It still doesn’t seem real.
This life is very different, I miss everything about him. Yeah I’m doing ok I have good friends that have lost their partners so they ‘get it’ - that’s so helpful.
Every damn thing is different now, no banter, no hugs, no waiting for the front door to open, I could go on but you all know how it feels. It’s so empty but I feel I am lucky to be on this planet, my husband wasn’t so lucky so I have to make this new life into something. He wanted me to do ‘stuff’
I’ve not had a holiday on my own, I keep putting it off but one day I’ll give it a go, maybe a couple of nights in a hotel, who knows.
I wish you all well x
I can relate to the visiting of past places, it’s only been four months and i’m always doing it. I’ve started just going there for short periods mostly in town and nearby places. I’m finding it mostly hard as i lost touch with so many friends in the near twenty five years we were together. I also talk to her all the time about everything happening now. The tears i let flow as i feel the release of emotion helps.
My husband passed away in May 2024 and I can absolutely understand all that you have said. The immense sadness is overwhelming and I don’t think anyone who has not lost a partner can understand this. I don’t have any tips as I am struggling but can confirm that you are not alone in how you feel x