Memories hurt me so much

I have been reading all the posts and feel I know you all as friends.This is my first post and reading of your losses and heartbreak has helped me so much to come to terms with my own grief. My husband Ron died nearly Two years ago of pancreatic cancer and I just can’t bear thinking of the happy memories, especially holidays because they stop me in my tracks and stop me moving forward. Everything in my life just feels incomplete. I never feel happy anymore although I can still laugh and get on with life. I have tried to make myself face things. I still turn my head when passing the pub where my husband played pool and . My stomach turns cos I can see him standing at the door waiting for me to pick him up. I can’t bear to go on holiday because of the wonderful memories. I can’t ever see myself walking in the moonlight with anyone else or having a meal under the sun. I could not even look at a photo of him until recently. It tore me apart. Is there anyone else feels like this?

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Hi. I’m nearly at the 6 week point. Although new to this I totally get how you feel. It is people like yourself who share how you feel further in time than me alowes me to realise there is no quick fix.
Welcome to this forum and keep posting as so many here are new and need people to help us learn from others

Hi Angiejo,
It’s like that for all of us here. Joy seems a far off memory, I go through the motions, go out with friends but there is little real excitement. I am now in my second year, I have decided that I must start to make a bit of a life for myself. I need some things to look forward to. I’m going to book a week away with a solo group. Not really my thing, but then being a widow isn’t either, The pain is not having anyone to share it with.

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Hi Jay Thank you for your reply
No there is no quick fix. At first it was like a nightmare. I never thought time would pass or that I would ever survive. At first I just never wanted to stay in the house. I had a calendar filled with coffee mornings and visits to friends. Now I find my home a sanctuary although sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling of something that has happened here. I could not cope with the thought of my first Christmas without Ron. As it happened my daughter had a diabetic hypo and her home caught fire. I spent that first Christmas cleaning up mess and trying to make her house secure. I cried from exhaustion and because of happier memories. The first birthday I had without my husband I kept looking at the table because he had a lways bought me a lovely card and always propped it up in front of a vase so I would see it as soon as I woke. The very last time I saw in at the funeral parlour was on my birthday too. I left him with a red rose and talked to him about the year before when we were abroad and he took me out on my birthday to a cliff top restaurant. He also had his first chemo on our wedding anniversary and I found out he had cancer on the anniversary date of my mum’s death. Slowly the rawness fades and you learn to face a new day but then the memories come back at the strangest times and hit me like a ton of bricks. It gets a little easier and you learn to live a different life but always with sadness in your heart. I was always the St ong one in our marriage and I pray that Ron is safe and happy with deceased members of his family. I would give anything to have my old life back just to hear his voice and to hug him. I never imagined grief to be so overwhelming.

Montague. I know exactly what you mean when you say we go through the motions. We are just not complete without our loved ones and even though we can still laugh there is always the feeling that something is missing. I was always so busy. I was a manager at work and now I just have no heart in anything I do. I hope that your own journey gets a little easier but grief is something that only the bereaved understand.

Dear anglej1, I’ m sorry for your loss of Ron. I know it’s hard right now — It’s that way for me too — whether it’s a song, a souvener, or a piece of her clothing. I try to forget - but something always comes to mind - I can empathize with you - I too, wish I could have at least one hour again with my wife. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better - but alas, I’m in the same boat as you. So, you’re not alone! I lost my lovely wife in November (unexpectedly), and I am now alone - I miss her terribly.
I read your post and can feel your emotions in my mined. Many of us are feeling the same losses — I wish I could say something to give you some comfort, all I can do id offer my heartfelt sympathies.
Herb

Hi Herb and thank you for your reply. You had do little time with your beloved wife and I can imagine how it feels to have lost a. Future with her. This weekend I missed Ron more than ever because it would have been our wedding anniversary on 4th July. I find that all I want to do is sleep. Luckily I have had no trouble sleeping since Ron passed. I am writing this from my bed and it is still so hard to make a move to get up. I just can’t wait until it is nighttime and I can sleep again This site has been so wonderful to read and Ihope you get the same comfort from it as I do. Take care and I am here to speak to whenever you want.

Herb I forgot to mention that I am so sorry your wife died so suddenly. I just can’t imagine what that feels like. My Ron deteriorated so quickly in a day or two when he was in hospice supposedly just to build him up. I just could not believe how quickly he died in the end. I was shell shocked. My heart goes out to you.

I would like to to thank you for your condolences! It’s been a little over 7 months - her headstone is installed, So I am trying to pick up the pieces where my heart was shattered . I can’t help but feel this way, the night she died, replays in my mind often - I wish I had seen the signs — I keep thinking to myself "if only " I had known.
She was 5 years younger than me – we were doing so well that day. The that evening she just dropped dead on the couch - I called the paramedics right away, as it didn’t look right. I went home that night alone and in a daze and numb. I don’t know how I slept - probably didn’t for a long time. To this day, I cherish my memories of her almost every day. I miss her. I’m glad you remembered my plight even after this amount of time. I read your post about Ron - and I identified with you two. We went thru this too. I have no solution for you other than to tell you how sorry I feel for you. I wish you well. Stay well! I will pray for you, as I do for many others on this site. Thank you for your concern!
Herb

Hi Her. Sorry for my late reply. I am only just finding my way around this site. I know what you mean with the ifs and buts. I had no idea Ron would die so quickly. I guess he grew too weak to fight anymore. I was in a daze for months. I could not clearly recall anything. I am still feeling it is surreal even after nearly 2years. I have lots of friends but feel so alone that my heart is breaking. He once said that the only thing that worried him about dying was not having me with him anymore. I would join him tomorrow if I was a believer but I question having faith. All I can say is stay with this site and find comfort in opening up to people who understand. Take care and stay saf
I

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Hi Angiejo1, First of all, a big thank you for your understanding. Secondly, I continue doing my chores or whatever keeps me busy or occupied (even watching TV), because for me to sit with nothing to do brings back thoughts of happier times. A year ago, I was a happily married man spending my time doing chores (as usual), I enjoyed being married and doing things together with he - even going to the stores with her. Sometimes she would see in a different aisle and wave at me, that’s the kind of person she was. I can’t tell how much I miss her — I could never share this with friends or family- as they think I’ over this. Sometimes I have to shrug it off as having a bad day - truth is I feel like you (along with others on this site). Truth is I still think about her and miss her personalityI. I agree with you, with all the things she was doing, I also think she was growing tired and weak too, she was rushing around too - she wanted to help everyone - but she probably didn’t think she was overdoing it. There’s an older gent on line here that mentioned that when his wife died, a part of him died with her. I too feel like this - I’m just putting in my time. The thought of ending it foe me was something I had thought of but I won’t do it, because I don’t really know what lies beyond, and besides I believe in God enough to respect His Laws. I do ask God to help me - as I feel so lost at times that it seems all my happier days are now gone. So I guess we must try to seek happiness in a different way. Perhaps sending a message or asking for help on this site can do that for us - I don’t know but it could be worth a try. I have read postings from others who are going the the same ordeals as we are. Don’t give up is all can say now. May God guide and help you thru this. Again, thank you for your understanding.
Herb

I hope I did not sound too morbid on this message. I have good days and bad days - guess this was one of the bad days. Sorry if I upset you,
Herb

Herb you did not upset me or anyone. This site is intended for us to be honest and claw our way through the grief. None of my family understand my pain and even though I have a daughter in the same Close she hardly visits because Ron was not her dad and she never got on with him. It is heartbreaking but what can do. I think they all see me as a strong woman which I was once. Always fighting battles for someone else. Keep posting Herb because on here we all understand each other.

I too feel that when Ron died a part of me died with him
Nothing can make me feel whole anymore.

Hi Angiejo lost my darling nearly five years ago and still devastated and cry so much. We loved our holidays we saved and did without normal stuff and I am so glad we did as we had truly magical experiences. I still go on holiday as it is my escape even though I end up sobbing my heart out if I go somewhere we went even somewhere new hurts as I just think how much better it would be with him. I take some o f his ashes in a small cardboard tube and scatter them somewhere beautiful. I have also put up photo of us on holiday in a memory wall i my living room. I often cry when I look at them but I am hoping that one day I will smile. Memories are bitter sweet but we can’t put them away. I don’t have any answers but I do send you love and hope that memories will sooth you one day. I am just grateful that at least I know that I once was loved. xxx

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Dear Bell,
You brought tears to me eyes when I read your post — just doing normal stuff! You are so right - you cannot hide from or do away with the memories of one you loved so dearly. I felt the emotions , as with so many of others. We are all a special lot. We know love like no others. We have memories and thoughts about our mates. I have arranged my plot in the cemetary next to my lovely wife. As I had mentioned in a previous post - as I think about my life with Madeleine, I never stopped loving her! I hope I will see her again one day — so much I can say. But I guess I have to give it a rest. I loved her with my whole being!
Thank you for reading my post,
Herb

Just one more thought — I am an old man now - I reflect on my time with my wife at times. Hope I didn’t hurt any feelings - this is how I felt about her and how I feel even today!
Herb

Dear Angelo1,
I read your post today and you ask Does anyone else feel like this? Yes, I feel exactly the same. I lost my husband , Paul, just over a year ago . He was 57, I have no words to describe how much I miss him all the time. I find it so hard to look at photographs or to think about the many happy times we did have without such feelings of grief that like you, it stops me in my tracks. I have tried so hard to try to go on with my life, to go out with friends, and pretend I am ok. I am so lucky, I have two lovely children who have supported me throughout, but as I watch my new grandchild or help my son plan his wedding all I can think is that Paul should be here to enjoy this with me. Grief is overwhelming.

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Hi Sue 2.Thank you so much for your response to my post. I know exactly how you feel. I want to move forward but there is nothing that makes me feel complete. I just feel like nothing can ever make me feel as I did before Ron passed. I found the first year a nightmare. Having to face anniversaries and birthdays without my husband. I am almost at the Second anniversary now of Rons death and I still don’t know if I can face it. I can say the second year is a little easier because time dims pain a little and you can cope a little better. I am so sorry for your own loss and I am always here if you want to talk. It always helps to have someone who understands. Take care
Xx

Hi greencat. I thought I had replied to you again .I sometimes get lost in the page. Never be afraid to post your thoughts and feelings it helps and it is good to tell people about your lovely wife and how you felt and still feel about her. I sometimes stay off line for a while but knowing people are here is a comfort xx