I was born in ‘72 so I love the 80’s music and been listening today to some great hits but along with the music comes memories I didn’t know were there.
I can’t tell anyone about how I really feel as they get defensive or annoyed or even worse it upsets them so I just pretend all is ok and I wear a mask of all is well. But inside I’m about heartbroken and the physical pain in my chest is so hard to bare.
I met my first husband at 16 and I had to walk away from the marriage after 28years because He was cruel unkind and nasty but because I got older and told him to shut up he started to get my physically abusive.
My relationship with my mom has always been strained because of how she was with me, never really showed affection but I always seemed to be in trouble and always had a walloping and she was the kind that would hit with every word spoken, at 15 we clashed even more until her death last April I still tried to be a good daughter and bite my tongue and try to make her proud but always felt a disappointment.
My dad passed away 28th February 2016 and a huge chunk of me died that day. My dad is my hero he was so loving and patient and so kind.
He was always there with advice and none judgemental just what he thought and he let me decide for myself.
I hid a lot of what went on with my ex husband because I knew he would worry and be angry with my ex and I just didn’t want things to get worse.
To say my dad was my world is such an understatement, the night he passed away I became a different person, I didn’t have my shelter anymore to run to and feel ok and i suddenly realised that I needed to leave my ex and I left with nothing at all
I now have a wonderful husband who loves and takes care of me, he is kind and patient and always puts me first
I have a son who has just brought his first home with his girlfriend and he is the light of my life, however he has some traits of his father which triggers me into reliving past abusive situations
I love them I know I do, but I don’t feel anything at all. I feel empty and numb
And as I’m sat here crying writing this I know with every bit of me that if I knew I could see my dad and spend eternity with him I would leave right now
I know it sounds selfish I know I sound ungrateful and hurtful and maybe stupid
But my son has his girlfriend and all his dads family
My husband has the dogs and his family
I wouldn’t be missed at all and I just can’t say how knowing I haven’t got dad here makes me feel
I’m so sorry for wittering on
But it just feels like I finally need to say how I really feel
.