Mentally Physically Emotionally Exhausted

Looking to the future
21

Oh Mel,
I am so, so sorry to hear all of this! This is awful! I agree with Alan about being assertive and ask them to leave. You said your prefer to be on your own–under such circumstances, I don’t blame you. Are they with you all the time now, or just for a few days. Pushy relatives you don’t need. Clearing your mum’s belongings is a heart break action as it is, but to have this put on you. I am horrified to hear about your mum’s pets…they were also a comfort to you as well? This is unacceptable. As Alan says speak to Citizens Advice (they are impartial and will provide effective advice) would recommend that you see your GP as well, since it sounds as though you are struggling. Make an urgent appointment first thing…be brutal in your honesty tell them everything in detail, don’t hold back (how you are feeling, the anxiety, isolation and your relatives). The GP may be able to point you in the direction for additional support, social worker maybe or someone who can act as mediator and act in your best interests. Please contact your GP at your convenience. That is what they are there for! My world is in a mess and my Gp has helped me with such things…I know it may not be what you want but it will help in taking the burden and anxiety from you.

I have relatives who are similar in temperament, except they leave me well alone now. I have stood my ground on a few occasions, only to be told recently that I pushed them away…their memory seems to be rather selective about events.

I have to live with life long guilt over being angry and upset with my mother since I was overwhelmed by caring and they never even offered to help in any way…I am still upset because I was to anxious to go to the hospital with my mother by ambulance…she had to go on her own, she was probably scared silly. My brother, who lives only a mile or two away, couldn’t go to the hospital, some feeble excuse about with his grand kids while the parents went out…my sister could,t drive to the hospital (wait for this) because she is too nervous to drive to the hospital in Swansea. I have a niece who lives also a mile away, easy to walk, but never helped out in any way, she and her mother are the most critical of the lot, wouldn’t go because she was tired…I have this life long guilt of letting my mother go to hospital on her own now. And I am made to feel evil over it? Put me into a spin as a result…enough about me.

I find that listening to Radio 3 (I love all the snobby classical stuff, world roots and Jazz on this channel…though opera makes me want to scream…Wagnarian opera alone gives me the urge to invade Poland (sorry a Woody Allan line there). For me it helps with the silence, it also stimulates (but not at night) Jazz fm in the evenings is also a good chill out channel, unless it is the music your relative was playing???

I noted that in your previous messages that you work on a Saturday, is this voluntary? More to the point are you in the company of understanding and tolerant people with you?

My evening is a routine. Jazz FM on until 10PM then Radio 3 all night. I also have the tv on sometimes, with the volume off, normally on BBC 4, so I can watch it if something interesting comes on. Otherwise I read if I can concentrate…presently I am reading something very light and fluffy, “Mercenaries in the Ancient World” (I know, I know, but I am an ancient history and medieval nut)… I will be starting my MA dissertation on this subject “Mercenaries in the Seleucid Period” (Don’t ask!) in January 2017, after deferring recently…it will keep my small little brain from atrophying and it will also help me to focus on something positive for a change and a goal to aim for. Because If I think about my predicament then I will be taken off in a van while wearing one of those jackets that have sleeves that fold around the back…Shouting that they can’t do this to me since I am the Emperor Augustus…

So I am reading on a load of blood and guts stuff (Oh nice?). However, I am also reading something far more gentler, C. S. Lewis’s “A Grief observed” about his loss of his partner Joy Gresham. It is quite a beautiful, readable and perceptive little book…first sentence states that he never knew that grief could be physically painful as well as emotional. To true. He describes the emotional and physical exhaustion and pain, that we all are going through. So my thought are with you.

I am trying to get into a healthy sleeping pattern, so no caffeine after 6PM and take half of my Zipaclone sleeping table at 11PM…might make me feel drowsy. I find that if I don’t take them I am awake most of the night…I am happy with my routine…I know there will be callers or the phone will ring so I can try and relax.

Day at a time Mel, day at a time but please don’t fight this alone…at this time get all the help you can lay your hands on; especially with pushy relatives.

Oh I am so sorry Mel.

Please try and get a good nights rest. Take good care.

Dave

22

Hi Mel,
me again…Sorry it was Kim who suggested the CAB, a good idea. Alan’s message about asserting your needs are an excellent idea.
Please don’t be offended by my recommendation that you see your GP, but they can be a good way of signposting to other support…
Take care and sleep well
Dave

23

Hi All

Feel slightly better for a very long bath with soothing bath oil in. Got asked where I was going in a suspicious tone of voice. Only place with the door locked I am guaranteed some peace.

Very difficult situation as bossyboots is joint executor of Mum’s estate. Hence turning up and searching for anything of value. I have a couple of friends I have confided in who are supportive as far as they can be. All I can do practically is sit tight and once all is settled and the house is sold take my share, move away then sever all contact.

Am coming down with a cold to add to everything. Will have a valid excuse to escape to the Doctor maybe very soon.

Dave, I enjoy JazzFM immensely. Bossy was playing some ghastly techno rubbish on their i-pad and I did ask them to turn it down or use headphones if they must listen to it. I use the latter for my music and radio at night so no different for them surely. How brilliant you can look forward and are planning to do your MA. Your Mum would be very proud I feel of you.

Thank you everyone for letting me rant.
Goodnight and good luck.

Mel
Xx

24

Hi Mel

Helen, my wife, had a very similar problem when her father died and she was joint executor with her sister. Helen too could really only stay as polite as possible, play it as straight as possible and have no further contact afterwards. It helped that they lived some 300 miles apart but they still had to speak on the phone. It is all upsetting and I feel for you. Glad you have a couple of friends you can confide in.

Take good care of yourself.

Alan

25

Hi Alan

Exactly the same dynamic for me. Would that there was the distance of a few hundred miles between BB and me. I keep biting my tongue and waiting for all to be sorted out so we can go our seperate ways.

I am so sick of the constant verbal putdowns, being told I am stupid, told not to speak to people on the phone in the evenings, tantrum thrown because a friend took me to a concert recently and didn’t invite them. All always said when there is no one else here to overhear.

Feeling full of cold today so have not gone to work. Hoping a day at home resting will help and will feel stronger and more ready to cope with everything.

Suggested this morning they might like to go home to their own home and have a break from each other. Replied they want to stay and ‘look after me’. Said am quite capable of caring for myself and making a mug of lemon and honey plus taking some paracetamol.

A quiet afternoon reading Sebastian Faulks Human Traces in store. One of his more depressing books which may not be exactly cheering reading.

Mel

26

Hi Mel

Just a quick line as I’ve just got in from my first counselling session, found it exhausting and I am feeling rather exposed. I’m not being unkind but I think your relative needs some serious professional help but for the life of me I can’t see how you could suggest it to her. Hope you had a relaxing afternoon, I’ve never read Sebastian Faulks (P.G Woodhouse is more in my line) but I would have done one thing different - put some whiskey in the lemon and honey ! Best wishes and take care, Alan.

27

Hi Alan

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me when you must be drained after your counselling session. I hope after the initial rawness of it goes it will have been beneficial.

You are not the first to say my relative needs help. To be honest not sure how I could achieve this for them.

Out of whiskey sadly, drowned my sorrows over the space of a few days couple of months ago! May take to the gin instead.

Mel

28

I feel the same. I’m totally exhausted and my husband of 53 years died June 2017. I’m totally out of control, no routine, just do essentials…then I’m shattered. Does anybody else feel like this. I told the bereavement counsellor who though it was anxiety. Well, I’ve been anxious all my life, but this is a different type of exhaustion. She doesn’t understand. I think grief does exhaust you. Does anybody else?

29

I feel the same too. Today has been really hard - going through all the different emotions has left me totally exhausted. Like you I have no routine and just do the essentials. I must do some cleaning tomorrow - the house is looking a mess but it’s hard to get motivated. I agree with you that grief is exhausting.

Yvonne

30

Disbelief is absolutely the number one thing?!!! My sister died nearly 5 months ago and I just cannot begin to begin to believe it has happened. Feels so physically painful like your insides have been ripped out. I am sure I am not replying in the right conversation here - just came across your ‘disbelief’ comment. It is so incredibly gut wrenchingly hard isn’t it