Ok, so this time last year, Tom was in the hospice. He had been there 3 days and already, people around us, in the rooms opposite, had died. We were surrounded by death, waiting for it to creep ever closer to us, down the corridor, and in under the door of his room. He was becoming more muddled and confused, uncertain. Today, I looked back at some of the messages I sent to family members in those days, at that time, about what was happening, about how he was. And I found reassurance in those messages that I had done my best, that I was with him all the time, that he looked for me to be there with him and was upset if I was not immediately to hand. And I was there. You see, I have felt guilty for such a long time, for not being able to save or rescue him. Fear that I let him down. So these messages, read today, a year later, are road signs or stars for me to use to navigate this part of grief. These messages tell me that I did all I could, that we walked through the darkness together united until the moment when death finally came for him, quietly, like the thief it is. I thank that year-ago-me, for the reassurance I have now. And I thank Tom always and every day, for the unconditional and absolute love he had for me - a love that endures and a love that death cannot steal from us. Sundays in grief are always a bit of a downer, aren’t they? This comes with love to all of us on this road, fellow travellers in grief, winding our way ever onward towards those we love so much.
A lovely post x
Hello, I had a similar experience when I went through old text messages, at that point I was at the early stages of having lost him & was being traumatised with feelings of did I do enough etc… it didn’t matter what people said to me I couldn’t shake these awful thoughts, I now realise a lot of these thoughts come from shock and grief, anyway I came across a message where we were having a conversation about two of his friends visiting and I felt I should give them space & I wouldn’t visit that day, my husbands reply was “ok but sometimes I get upset when I don’t see you” this was like a lightbulb moment for me, I must have done a good job as he wanted me with him, he needed me, it was a gift to me to find that message.
What an amazing post. Thank you for sharing it.
I couldn’t be with my husband as he died since I didn’t know where he was - en route to a hospital was all I knew. I was waiting to hear when he got there so I could go and wait in A&E with him. He never made it there alive and I only knew when a police officer came to tell me.
I do know though that I WOULD have been there if I could have so that was the best I could do.
You gave your husband your time, your dedication, your reassuring presence. What more could you have done? xxx