Hi, my name is Min. Just joined, never really felt comfortable sharing my inner feelings to complete strangers, however I will try anything that may help with all the different emotions that I feel.
I lost my beloved wife, Kath after 30 years of marriage 5 months ago. I cannot move on, can’t get past the sheer loneliness, emptiness, pain, sadness, anxienous all the time, every minute of the day. Everyone told me to go back to work, the distraction will help, and it felt like every half hour, i was explaining to people about my wife, which brought it all back.
Just don’t know where to turn!!
Hello Min
I am very sorry that you have lost your beloved wife. All the feelings that you describe are so common when grief first hits us…It takes time to adjust to a life that is so different from the one we had hoped for and at the beginning we are almost overwhelmed. Take things slowly…It may be that talking to a counsellor might help you and this site offers such support…don’t be pressurised into doing things you don’t feel able to and just try to focus on one day at a time. Above all, believe in yourself…you will get through this and the love you shared will never leave you.
Please keep reading and posting…there are so many others here who will reach out and help so never be afraid to ask.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day than today has been. Take care x
Hi Amelie,
Thankyou for your kind words.
One of the biggest problems is the complete loneliness, all of the time. We do have 3 amazing children, however they are all grown up now, with lives of their own. We did everything together as a couple & family, neither of us really had other friends, so the evenings, are especially lonely and quiet, where every 5 minutes that passes feels like an hour. No more snuggling on the sofa, talking about our days, or chatting over a cup of tea about tv shows or anything like that. Time just drags. Like I said it’s been 5 months, feels more like weeks, I can’t honestly see how I will ever move forward without her!!
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Hello again Min!
I so understand the way you feel right now…It is trite but grief is the price we pay for the love and joy we have shared and none of us would forego that.
You talk about “moving on”…personally, I think this expression should be banned! Society today needs to recognise that sometimes we just need to stay where we are!! It takes time to assimilate grief and learn how to live with it…Take things slowly and at a pace that is right for you…listen to your heart and know that your wife still lives on within the very fibre of your being.
Take care x
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Hello again Amalie,
Forgive me for using the term “Moving” on. It’s a saying that gets drummed into your head by everyone around you, so in the end, you just go with it.
How do you take steps forward, when everything you do, you feel guilty, because everything I do, I should be doing them with my wife, so I end up feeling so guilty. If I smile, laugh, have a simple thing like a cup of tea without her, just sends so much guilt through me x
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Dear Min,
Your comment about “moving on” being drummed into us is exactly what I meant!
I am sure that the last five months have seemed like a lifetime but it is still very early days for you so try to be kind to yourself and take each hour, each day as it comes. We don’t always know when we have taken a step “forward”…It is often only when we look back that we realise we have actually moved…even a tiny improvement in how we feel/react is a great victory!
As regards feeling guilty, please don’t torment yourself…I bet your wife loved to see you smile or hear your laughter and she would never want you to stop just because she is not physically next to you. Many of us on this forum write about how we feel a continuing relationship with our loved one so next time you find a smile on your lips tell her it is for her. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Like all of us here you have suffered life’s worst event through no fault of your own.
There are many threads on here so please scroll through…I hesitate to say this because grief per se is universal, but men and women do react differently so perhaps I see things from an alternative perspective … take a look at some of the posts fellow men have written and you will find others just like yourself.
I hope you have a peaceful evening…Take care of yourself and know you are among friends. X
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I lost my partner of 13 years in January 20days after giving birth to our 4th baby boy. I feel so empty all the time like he took the best of me with him. I have lost people before but never expected to have to let go of my Soul mate. If I didn’t have the kids I don’t know what I would have done xxxx
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Hi Claire
Firstly let me say how sorry I am for your loss. It is a very difficult time for all of us, and sorry to quote the old cliche line, but some how you have to stay strong for your children, as I am having to be.
You do bring up a very important point, I feel anyway. We had lost a fair number of friends /family over the years, however when you lose your partner, lover, best friend and soulmate, the person you expect to grow old with, the pain is something that no one can truly understand, unless sadly you have had it yourself. There is no magic cure, no magic words as I have been finding out.
My children have all grown up, so most days and nights I spend alone, so time drags on .
If you ever need to chat or vent or just someone to listen, please feel free to message me, anytime. It’s tough, but there are ppl on here to share with support
Take care xxx
Thank you Min for your kindness. I find the late afternoon the worst times, I just want the day to end.i have a better start to the day because I have to walk my dog in the park,
I think there is some value in trying to distract yourself. I am thinking of going back to work but I know its too early. even if you have small moments of calm hopefully they will come more often.
my partner used to say that we should always accept what we can’t change.
Hi again Claire
Thankyou for replying. Your partner sounds like he was a wise man with his words, sadly the downside to what he says, is that it is so very hard to appreciate the meaning when it is us who are having to somehow put what’s left of our lives back together. I always find it hard trying to find enough to do to distract me from always thinking about my wife. Work for me is hard, as we first met there, became friends and then got together there!!
Never really had close friends to turn to, as we always did everything together, and then you don’t want burden the family, as they are also suffering.
I dont know if you’ve thought about counselling?
It’s been suggested, for me personally, I’ve never been sure about telling a complete stranger who never knew my wife, about my inner most private feelings and emotions. One day I may reconcider
hello again I understand how you found yourself living your whole life as part of a couple, you and your wife.
I have tended to do the same, when you have a strong and positive relationship you want to do everything together. Obviously this makes it harder to go forward alone.
I am making efforts to connect with people now, there is no choice. There are a lot of kind people out there.
I just go for coffee for an hour with someone and then come home. it feels like moving forward a bit.
I have thought about counselling but I’m not sure whether I will go ahead. I feel that I can express my inner most feelings to a couple of people I know and this is helpful
if you like a lot of people can’t imagine talking about feelings to a stranger, I think you need to just go and find out. you may be surprised.
don’t think you are burdening people though that is just your perception I’m sure it not theirs.
people who you previously did not consider a close friend could become one.
I hope I have been helpful, that’s a lot of what I want out of this. I want to share but also would like to feel I can give some comfort and thoughts about how to move forward to others
take care Min
Thankyou for all that you’ve said, really appreciate, I do find it a comfort to share the same emotions and experiences. The problem I found is that no one can really understand exactly what you are going thru, unless you’ve been through the same horrible traumatic situation. Over the years I’ve had a fair share of family, friends and people I know pass away, and of course there is a degree of pain, sadness and empathy, however when it’s your actual partner, well theres nothing that can compare or prepare you for that!!