Miss him so much

We lost my dad at the end of September after baring years Alzheimer’s and dementia, I would go and seem three times a week and I just miss that time with him!! How do I fill that void that has been left? Christmas was so much of a struggle and saying goodbye 2019 felt like I was leaving him there and I so don’t want to let him go

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Hi Linda I do not think we ever fill the void completely but we eventually learn to fill the void with happy memories. It’s very early days and Christmas and New Year make everything so much more worse. You will never let your Dad go in your heart. I lost my Dad Suddenly in my thirties xx I hope this helps a little.

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Thank you for your kind words! I know he’s by my side and in my heart every minute of every day xx

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Hi Linda. I am sure we all feel for you. As the posts you have already had show. This is the place to share thoughts and emotions without judgement or criticism or any of the many platitudes you get from well meaning people who don’t know the pain. As Sarrah says, we do learn to cope, as hard as it may seem to you at this moment.
You are among friends here. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself as well as others. John.

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I have learnt to take one day at a time with baby steps until I feel able to take bigger ones! Then there are times when I think I’m ready and something just pulls me back! I know with the support of family and friends I will get there just impatient with myself

Hi Linda,
That feeling of thinking you are ready and then being yanked back is exactly how it feels sometimes. I had the severely to start with. Odd moments of clarity and normality and being my old self before being whisked back to the truth and the feelings of loss.
I lost my mum suddenly at the end of August while she was on holiday with my family. A great memorable holiday with a horrible ending, extreme happiness and extreme sadness all so close together. I’m still trying to come to terms with it all but feeling a bit more settled than I was. We all need to give it time and not rush our emotions but embrace them. That should do us good in the long term.
It is a heck of a void to fill but as Sarrah says, eventually happy memories I’m hoping will fill that space. I hated looking at photos featuring mum to start with but recently I’ve started to look through them again and although very sad, I’m finding myself wanting to relive those memories. It’s all I have now after all and I don’t want to lose those too.
You are in a good place here with people who understand so welcome to the community. Thoughts are with you at this horrible time.
Shaun x

Thank you for your kind words! I feel for you as my mum died while we were on holiday in 1981 in a way it was a relief because we could retreat back to our home full of amazing memories and not have them tainted by so much sadness! Dad died a week after me and my husband came back from ours it was like he knew and waited for me to come back! My sister sat with him all day while I was at work, and I arrived an hour after she left and within 15 minutes watched him take his last breathe. I wish I knew why he choose me?

Oh no, not your mum like that. Yes amazing memories and it could be so much worse. I remember my mum’s last breaths but not in a good way, those are visions I try to shut out of my mind now. I woke and discovered her sat up in bed with breathing difficulties, her heart was failing to pump blood properly so that basically is how her life ended. I get flash backs like I did just then and it’s horrible. I don’t think there is a good way to go, except in the movies, but if I had the choice then while on holiday is one way I’d like it to be. Mum could have died alone in her house even though she was only 12 doors away and that doesn’t bear thinking about. We are going back to where it all happened in April, it’s a lovely place, in our favourite self catered cottage, Isles of Scilly, and it would be terrible to never return. Highly emotional yes but we have to go back.
You were there at the end for your dad so that should be some small comfort, for him at the time and for you now. Somebody once told me that the difference between life and death is about a second. I really understand what that simple statement means now.
My dad is in a care home about 2 hours away and I’m worried about what the future brings again. That’s another story entirely as I’ve only known him for just over a year. Life is complicated isn’t it?!

Life is way to complicated at times but it makes who we are and gives us the strength to meet the next that is put in front of us! I’m glad you are going back I haven’t been back to where we lost mum but it’s funny this year I feel maybe I need that closure! I feel privileged that for whatever his reason he choose me to be there! It was a release for him really as the dementia /Alzheimer’s had robbed him of everything! I’m just having a bad few days, sometimes I think a couple of days off work isn’t the best thing to do but I also can’t keep relying on work to keep me going

Yes, life would be boring if it was simple! Maybe you should go back, especially if it was a nice place with good memories. I imagine you’ll find things have changed. Dementia is horrible and one of those things I hope to be able to avoid in later life, my dad hasn’t avoided it though. He’s ok at the moment and we keep in regular daily contact but I’m aware that time is finite, even more so these days and I’m preparing to be robbed again. Good days and bad days is pretty much the way this goes. I really struggled to go back to work after about 3-4 weeks. To start with I didn’t find work a good distraction because I mostly work at home in front of a computer and when I do that, my mind can wander a lot. Now I’m much more productive although I can still easily be distracted and end up looking at photos! I do like to get out for a walk when I can and I’m making the effort to get out for a good walk each day, I found that helped me a lot. My diet was pretty bad since September and I ended up putting on weight, I think I was allowed that, but now it’s going back down again. We gotta do what we gotta do to get through this.

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I still struggle with sleep but OK once I’m asleep just got to get there! Work has always been my sanity we had to battle to get dad everything he needed so work was a distraction from all that! Guess I use it for the same now sometimes easier than facing the struggle

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Hi guys, I’m so sorry for your losses of your mum’s and dad’s. I lost my dad and then my mum last year, I managed to get through Christmas but new year was awful, it felt like I was leaving them behind. I’ve started bereavement therapy but not sure if it’s helping. Life’s do difficult, I wish everyone the courage they need to keep moving forward day by day. Stella

Hi stella
You’re right.life is so so difficult.
I lost my dad 20 years ago, then my mum suddenly in june. I’m a lost soul without parents even though I used to look after my mums finances and drive her places, deal with utilities etc.
I’m changed forever x

Stella
We are all changed- but will gain strength from within- and will remember all they taught us
You are NOT alone
Bless you
Joady

Thank you Joady x

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How special you are
You parents are watching and are proud
Stay strong Stella
XJ

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